Epilogue

After spending a couple of days in Barcelona I flew back home yesterday. Barcelona is a lovely city, but to be honest, everything after Santiago was anticlimactic.

On the morning of October 3, my departure day, I woke up with a knot in my gut. It was the first time my body recognized the anxiety that had been hovering around my brain -(just behind the excitement)-in anticipation of my trip. The night before I had read a post on my Camino FB group that it had not been a good experience for the writer-in fact had been traumatizing. And then in the comment section all these people related their own negative experiences. So then the dreaded “what ifs” began.

I - not for the first time- reminded myself to let go of any expectations and instead to just look at what was immediately in front of me at any given moment. I happen to be a person that typically welcomes surprises and interruptions. Adaptability has always been number 1 or 2 on my Strengthsfinders assessments, so given that, I am probably somewhat wired to walk into the unknown. And anyhow, I reasoned, it’s not like I am going to be without a lot of resources.

Along the way, whenever walking and talking with someone I would ask them , “Why do you walk?”, The answers varied. “Because I’m 73 and I still can”. “I needed to do something just for me- not my family or friends or work”. “I love the camaraderie of the Camino family”. “It makes me feel like a real man to do this”. “I just needed to get quiet”.
When someone asked me the same question the answer was something like, “I needed to challenge myself and this seems like such an adventure and it feels empowering”, or some version of that.

And that was true. But as I began to get into the rhythm of each day, my original reasons began to give way to “Because I am noticing so much more about what surrounds me”, and “Because it’s an opportunity for me to gain perspective and to see the interconnectedness of different areas of my life”, and “Because it is teaching me to be open to people that can make my world bigger” and “Because I have become acutely aware that my joy is not dependent on circumstances”. All hoped for but unexpected benefits.

And now I am not the same. Is anyone after an experience like this? I’m not gonna turn my life upside down or join a convent or anything, (mostly because I’m not Catholic), but something has changed inside me and it’s impossible for me to put what it is into words.

It’s kinda cheesy, but it makes me think of that line from the song “For Good” in Wicked. “Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better. All I know is I’ve been changed for good”.

The journey’s not over.Read more