Aseman Kawan

Desa Potato 🥔 Head Beach 🏖 Club: Wow! What an absolutely beautiful setting… But it is hard not to feel completely out of place unless you are wearing string bikinis or designer speedos! I felt like Eliza Doolittle walking into ‘Henry Higgins’ mansion! 😱
I feel so outta place; probably due to, mostly, my own insecurities (…how I wish I had woke confidence!) but more so from the way it has all been set up: you are too frightened to sit anywhere in case you’re in the wrong “zone”. I was (politely) told about minimum spends for certain areas… such as the day beds or cabanas. (…clearly the most social media worthy positions 📸) This fee would have been covered when I bought my first cocktail 🍹 An aptly named ‘Bali Zombie 🧟‍♀️’ The bartender could probably sense my trepidation and hesitation on arriving in this Eurotrash Wankers’ paradise 😉so he suggested the strongest cocktail on the list… At that point it seemed like the best idea! This is one place where you need to leave your inhibitions at the front door… 🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼

Thankfully, after one ‘Bali 🧟‍♀️’ and a ‘Bali Colada’ (new take on an old favourite!) I was feeling more confident and my alcohol-induced imagination 💭 made me as sexy as the guy wearing tightly fitting blue speedos with that particular (…and peculiar) special Instagram pout! 😜

I nabbed a retro couch combo seat arrangement and watched the beach (bottle) blond gyrating in the pool while her Uber cool 😎 BF recorded her next Tik Tok Extravaganza; a special treat for her 53 million followers!
…Proudly influencing the masses since 2016! 🫣😵

It is such a trip & experience to witness all of the specific and coordinated photography shoots happening in the pool, around the pool and throughout the whole venue itself! I wonder if many of these influencers will be discovered today and make their fortunes 🔮 or, and more likely, continue to score free vouchers from KFC for popcorn chicken and free entry into the dirty Dorset Hotel!? …Yes! I know! I’ll be nicer! 😜 God love ‘em!

I was busting to hit the toilet… Apparently a hot spot at the club! 😜🫣…but I was aware that I could not move anywhere for fear of losing the most precious Real Estate position at potato 🥔 head! I summoned the birthday girl, Monica, and was able to freely move from the spot for a moment without losing it! Thanks 🙏 Mon! You saved the day again! It was so fantastic when Mon arrived and we could have a good chat! It is so much better to share this type of pretentious experience with someone else who is able to sit back with you and just laugh together! That is the sign of a good friendship! 🥰

You will see that the dips and chips were a cut above the ordinary and not too badly priced! (…surprisingly). They were actually very delicious. I felt like I was eating healthily. Not that I give a shit on holidays, but why not pretend that you care about that aspect more than anything else; like the beautiful 😍 instagramming pretty people surrounding me! 😍😇😘

By the way, there is an entire “waste lab” in the centre entry component of the potato 🥔 head establishment… Now! Let’s be honest here, wider Bali could not give a rats 🐀 arse about anything to do with the environment or recycling (…I did my bit by snorkelling 🤿 in it yesterday…rubbish, that is) but…in the middle of Eurotrash Woke Central it all seems to tick the right boxes for the cocktail 🍹 sipping hip & happening folk among us mere mortals 😜😇🕺🏼

As I exited the second most pretentious place on earth 🌍 (…I only say second, because there HAS to be at least one that’s more pretentious…I just haven’t found it yet so I’m leaving that title free!) in my target singlet & big W shorts I passed the beautiful 🤩 people lining up to make their own debuts somewhere on the Instagram circuit soon! 🫣🤭

Strike a Pose! 🕺🏼💅💁🏼‍♂️

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Mr. Potato Head… never fear! You’ll always be my Number One! 😜😘xRead more