Cardiff

If Jason had his way, we would have left London at the crack of dawn. Somehow I managed to convince him that a 9:20 train to Cardiff was a much more civilised time to leave. Even so, Jason had me rushing to get out the door by 8am. We had to navigate ourselves to Paddington from Blackfriars station, and with Jason’s forward planning, we got there with plenty of time to spare.

The almost 2-hour train trip from London Paddington to Cardiff Central was interrupted at Newport when the train driver announced that there was a medical emergency in the rear carriage. We were told that we needed to wait for the paramedics to arrive. An update came across the loud speaker advising that the train would be delayed by an hour an a half. Surely it's not going to take that long for the paramedics to arrive. Otherwise it won’t be a paramedic that's needed but more like an undertaker. The only paramedics that we saw in Cardiff were on push bikes with side-saddle medic kits. Surely they didn't need to ride from Cardiff Central. By this stage, everyone got off the train and transferred to another train going to our final destination.

Almost as soon as we entered Wales, we felt like we needed to buy a vowel. I'm not being funny but does the Welsh language actually have any vowels? It seems they only know about consonants in Wales. As we were walking along the streets, Jason says “are you listening to this? I’ve never heard a language like it. It doesn't sound Slavic, nor does it sound Eastern European”. No, it’s a Celtic language devoid of vowels, at least to the ears of two Aussies. A series of hoots and clicks according to Jason.

It only took getting to the hotel before the next episode of Jason’s Lost World was on replay. This time he's thought he'd left his leather jacket in London or forgot to pack it in his packing and repacking episode. The entire contents of his backpack were strewn across the room. Nope. He was convinced that it was gone. Now he’s going to freeze in the cold Arctic-like temperatures of Wales. That was until he unzipped another section of his bag to reveal said leather jacket. This was followed by a lost mobile phone episode of Jason’s Lost World.

After ascertaining that nothing had been lost, we made our way to the city centre. Cardiff is condensed into a small area and can be easily traversed in an hour or so. As we walked through the mall, we caught sight of a woman in a very tight micro-mini hitched to her navel and her arse cheeks hanging out the back. We chuckled to ourselves as she tried to hitch it back down. But not before another Welsh couple walking towards us also saw and started to laugh.

After exploring the city centre, we turned our attentions to seeking out the Torchwood and Dr Who film locations. We headed to Cardiff Bay, a 25-minute walk from Cardiff city centre. Somehow we went a little off course and ended up in a housing estate. We stumbled upon three seventeen year old Welsh kids: Jennifer, Mulan and Will. Jennifer was born in Yemen but migrated with her family when she was a child. None of them had ever met an Aussie before, so Jason became very ocker, channelling all of the cringe-worthy Aussie icons. They got such a kick out of it, and eventually after some banter helped us to navigate to our desired destination.

We finally arrived at Cardiff Bay, where we wandered around and sat with the locals eating ice cream. I'm fairly certain I murdered the Welsh language when I ordered the Welsh-named dessert. But the woman was polite enough to say I was doing a good job ... of murdering her mother tongue.

We spent the evening searching for food to replenish the calories we’d expended to get to Cardiff Bay. We ended up at a Welsh pub listening to a guy murdering the guitar. Exit stage left.

Despite the cold, most of the youth were wearing next to nothing. A few straps and pins holding the material together. At one stage, Jason whispers to me: “do you feel like corned brisket?” I turned to see a girl wearing string material wrapped around her body with flesh bulging through the openings. She must have been freezing or so numb she couldn't feel a thing.

The following day was a bank holiday so most things were closed. What better way to spend our last day in Cardiff than to spend it searching for “treasure” at Poundland (Aussies, think Crazy Clark’s or Bargain City). Now I have my Finnish-inspired outfit for the Eurovision final: lime green crop top and black leggings!

Next stop: Liverpool.Read more