Fontgiève

(I just realised that I put this on the wrong trip oops do not read if you have already read it)

Hello from the mountains, people from the cities and plains!

I strongly debated writing this blog because, as perhaps you may know, I can never commit to anything, and I hate writing the blog every night, and I only wrote the one yesterday because mum missed out some crucial details.

But you know, while I also can’t commit, I am never one to admit defeat either (it makes for a complicated life I must admit).

And I could never abandon my people of the cities and plains!

And so, here I am once more. So! Today I woke up at 10:10 and I really hoped once again that the parents wouldn’t wake us up but we had less luck than last time because our door was brutally opened no later than 10:20!

But I once again enjoyed a delicious mug-breakfast of hot-chocolate-cornflakes! And then Mum and Allegra realised that they were both wearing pink t-shirts! And I had a pink t-shirt, and Tate had a purple-pink one!

And then dad said he had no pink. And everyone was a little annoyed, because we could have been team pink today, but dad instead put on a salmon t-shirt. I don’t think he realises that salmon is pink. We all wondered why he said he had no pink for a second.

And then the moment passed, and we strolled put the door with vigour, ready for our walk! We had to drive to the starting point of course, and as we drive, the parents flicked through the radio stations playing on this fine sunday morning. Thankfully, they heeded our shouts of “SKIP” when a song was terrible, at first.

Less thankfully, when they came upon a radio stations playing french accordeon and trumpet instrumental live music, and apparently, this was the *perfect* music for our drive.

And so we drove along jauntily, feeling like something out of a rubbish comedy or a french movie. So also a rubbish comedy.

And thennn they finally switched after three “songs” and APT by Rosé and Bruno Mars came on! And if you know the Simpson family, you know that there are few things we love more than driving and hearing APT coming on the radio, and then singing along like some carpool karaoke.

And sing along we did!

And then we arrived, and set off on our walk.

It was rather uneventful at first, dad (who had, earlier on, complained about “being given jip about his appreciation of waterfalls”) began to talk in length about how much he just *loved* forests. And really, would he prefer a waterfall or a forest? A waterfall in a forest would be ideal.

So on and so forth.

I walked ahead to join my young sisters, who bullied me about how much cooler they were (as per usual) and then they joked about some reference I didn’t have, and then finally they accepted that I was walking with them. At some point, allegra pointed at a volcano (dormant, of course) and said “it’s nothing like Norway, that is a feeble attempt at a hill”, naming today’s blog. Everyone say thank you, Allegra!

Speaking of whom, she was complaining about not being mentioned in the blog yesterday, so please be glad at your mention, Allegra 🙄.

We entered a forest, a peculiar one (remarked upon very much by dad, who is still going on about how cool nature is), since on one side of the path there was a ghostly, messy, twisted forest of beech trees.

INTERLUDE: Allegra would also like it to be noted (bossy bastard that she is, I mean twice in one blog?) that when dad said (of course it was dad, trees and all that,) “these are beech trees”, Allegra wittily replied, “no they’re not, this is a forest, dad”. And then, no word of a lie, Dad laughed (something highly sought after by the average Simpson daughter), and not only did he laugh, but he pointed at Allegra, like he was going, ‘good one, Leg’, and *then*, he said he was going to use that joke!! And later that same day, he did!! So needless to say, Allegra has a god complex.

Interlude over! And on the other side of the path, there were some neatly planted, tall, orderly pine trees on a mossy blanket. It was a very beautiful sight, something out of a fairytale, ethereal, otherworldly, deep greens on one side, pale greys on the other.

So we decided to do a pano and like, run behind the camera, and be in it twice. That did it justice for sure.

But it was a decidedly cool pano.

Anyway, we continued up our path, veered off to begin the steep, hilly part of our walk. Pretty much immediately, me and mum fell behind, and of course, this is not because we are slow. Or because we hate walking up hills. Or because we dislike putting in effort.

It’s because we’re anaemic! Valid excuse! For any and everything! I use it on the daily! (No seriously we have dangerously low iron and in fact if anyone ever asks me about it I will explain in length and detail about when they did the blood test and it was a disaster and I even fainted, because I am entirely narcissistic and I like talking about interesting things that have happened to me, yes I am aware that it is not really interesting. Do I care? No. Hey, maybe that’s why I write these blogs!!) Anyway, me and mum loudly whined at our much further ahead family, “we’re anaeeeeeeemic, anaemiiiiiic” which I found hilarious. Because mum was whining with me for once.

And finally, we made it to the top of the hill! There was a rather basic view, and we took some pictures, and then we walked along, and took some pictures, and then we stopped for lunch. I did some posing with my sandwich, because earlier that morning we had to convince dad to make the sandwiches again, because he makes the best ones, and he said “why me”, and I said “because of RooPaul’s Gourmet Bakery” (an old name for when I partook in the sandwich making many a year ago) and he said “there’s not much Roo in it now”, and I said “I do the marketing”. So! Like I said, best sandwiches ever! Boom. Job done.

And after that we then walked over some more hills, and downs some stairs, and up some stairs, and through some woods. We saw some viewpoints, it was the same view.

And then mum and dad had a collective midlife crisis slash I don’t even know what and started naming trees? And like, inventing a story about some deadly battle between pines, because there were many who had fallen over? So there was the “transpine” who really wanted to be a beech tree, and the “octotree”? Of course, the entire fallen “infantree” was present as well. And there was no escape for me because up ahead my sisters were like shout-rapping some Kendrick Lamar song.

The moment of crazy passed, and then mum began to mention Lily, again, and how it wasn’t the same without her, and that we should have a minute of silence for the fallen comrade.

So we stopped in a circle, but between me blowing my nose loudly, Tate jabbering on, and Allegra laughing, the minute was hard to start.

But then it did? And three seconds later we all hear mum start loudly humming the, like, fallen comrade tune thing? And dad just looked purely affronted, and we couldn’t hold in our laughter, and mum was trying to explain that “it’s what happens when you remember a fallen soldier!” and we laughed and laughed and kept walking, and then we hear the actual trumpet sound ringing through the silence, and mum has pulled it up on Spotify, and we’re all laughing again, and I say “we need to film this!” And they all stand in a line, hand on the heart, music sombrely playing, desperately holding in our laughter- anyway.

Maybe the moment of crazy hadn’t quite passed.

And we made it up another hill, and took some photos, and admired the view. Mum insisted that we had just walked through the crater of a volcano, and I said it didn’t look like it, and so dad said that he had looked on a map, and that if it was a volcano, it was “impuyseptible”. It is worth noting that a puy is like a hill in french, and that considering we were doing the “three puys walk”, dad was cramming in as many “puy” puns as he could. Anyway, after that one, I told him to “puys off”, which amused mum to no end, dad even said it was a good one and pointed (god complex for me too, I have joined Allegra’s ranks), and mum clapped, and then pulled out the slow, impressed clap, before deciding that it even warranted a patented “Tim Clap” which had been mastered by Tate, who obliged.

Anyway, after that moment, it was, as dad said, “all downhill from here!” And he and the twins sped ahead, but me and mum were really slow on the downhill (because we’re anaemic, duh) and had some interesting conversations about Narnia, Harry Potter, and eventually JK Rowling and transphobia. And then we were scandalised to see dad and the twins taking a tree selfie without us, and then he even dared joke and say “it’s just the tree of us”!

Anyway, we soon made it back to the car, and drove home, relieved as we compared once more our step asymmetry, step count, etc.

And as we neared our humble abode, you will never guess what played on the radio in a true full circle moment!

French accordion, of course!

No, kidding, it was APT and so we all, once more, pulled out our best karaoke talents and sang our way into the driveway.

Upon entrance into our aforementioned humble abode, we just went straight into the hot tub and chilled, relaxing our muscles. But I, the unloved eldest child, was forced out to make a round of hot chocolate.

Which I did and it was delicious and then we compared photos, and watched some Derry Girls (hilarious) and mum stressed a little because Lily hasn’t been answering and while my usual hilarious reply is “maybe she’s dead”, I figured mum was not in the mood (and she really hates it when I say that).

And then we had some dinner: Monday Night Pasta on a Sunday! So either we are upholding our reputation as rapscallions, or we are simply fools who have no concept of day nor date.

We then watched some more Derry Girls as I finally motivated myself to put metaphorical pen to metaphorical paper and typed up this blog!! And it took me like six episodes to write so I feel bad for anyone who has actually made it this far. Seriously I apologise but hey, you did this to yourself.

And so I must leave you, see you chaps tomorrow maybe!

A moment of silence for our Fallen Comrade, may she work at McDonalds in peace.

Peace out chaps!Read more