Heya Granny

Hey Granny, we are having lunch in a small town called Tarbert on our way to the ferry to Isle of Arran. You know how you and Granda used to order a BELT sandwich to share at that cafe on Bay Street? Well this little cafe overlooking the harbour had a BELTCH sandwich!
Bacon, egg, lettuce, tomato and cheese. It was very yum and reminded me of you.

You would've loved to see Scotland Granny. It has such wild hills covered in beautiful red moss and purple flowers. The roads are quite terrifying to drive though, but I think you can still get pretty far by train. The scenery is truly breathtaking.

I haven't written as many blogs this time while I'm away. Mainly because I enjoy spending time with James so much that there's no time to write. Also because I feel a bit older now and less surprised by the world. But I mainly wrote blogs to keep you updated on my travels. You always had to be kept up to date with where I was and how I was doing. You would threaten to nail my foot to the floor so in future I could only travel in circles. But you never did follow through on your threat...And I'm pretty sure you loved following my adventures. 'Don't worry about sleep,' you told me, 'you can sleep when you're dead-Just have fun.'

We stayed in a guesthouse in Brodick, and the woman who ran it was from Northern Ireland. I asked her where she was from became she sounded like you - like home. I told her my
granny was from Belfast, from Ligoniel. She was from a town just out of Belfast. She remembered my name the next day and said next time we should catch up in Belfast when she's there in the winter. She reminded me of Great Aunt Marina - she was a bit more polite than you! But talking to her made me miss you more.

Remember when I was little and asked you if we have any castle ruins in our name in Ireland or maybe Scotland? You laughed and said when you were young in Belfast you slept 4 kids in one bed, top to toe, so of course we didn't have any family castle. If we did it would just be a pile of bricks anyway. I remember the kids in primary school at lunch would say their family had heirlooms and a castle and a clan history. After visiting some castles in Scotland, I'm glad we don't have any of that blue-blood connection in our family. The castles are very big and grand and mainly furnished off money made from slavery. I've never felt such pride in being from poorer stock than visiting here. Me and James visited the Thane of Cawdor's castle, owned (and still lived in!) by the Campbell clan family. The current head of the Cambells is such a rich boy - his favourite sport is Elephant Polo of all things. They had photos of themselves in the castle opened to the public, amongst all the ancient oil portraits from the 16th century, and all the huge tapestries and ugly modern painting collection. Can you imagine.

I did buy a tartan lambswool scarf, but chose the Clan McDuff tartan, in keeping with the Shakespeare theme after visiting the castle made famous by Macbeth. It's very warm and cosy wosy.

Many of the little Scottish cottages and two-up-two-down houses in the towns back right up to the road. They don't have any nature strip or even footpath, you have to drive your car carefully past their thick stone fences. As we passed one town I saw a man standing at his front gate, waiting for someone to come by and chat. I gave him a wave but I probably confused the poor man. That's the sort of culture you missed after moving to Australia hey. People love to chat here, and they are so very friendly.

Guess what granny. James proposed to me at the foot of the Fortingall Yew tree - a tree in a church yard that's said to be 5000 years old. There's an old fence around it because so many people were taking cuttings from the tree, and back in history they used to even hold funerals in the middle of the tree, burning a fire in its trunk that used to be 17m wide! His proposal was so romantic - James said he wanted to choose a place that wasn't marred by colonialism and had seen the ages of humans come and go.
Remember when I broke up with Dave you said that I deserve better than him? I remember that conversation so well, because you loved Dave (a little too much!), and even though I rarely ever saw you angry, you had such anger in your words that day. Thank you for being there when I was heartbroken, and for all the relationship advice. My favourite advice was 'the best way to get over an old love is to get under a new one'. Making me laugh when I was young and heartbroken was always the best way to help me lighten up. You loved me very very much. And you loved James very much too - he's the best I could've ever asked for. I wish you could see our wedding.

One thing that hurts the most, and that makes me the most scared, is the thought of having babies without you around. Remember when I took you to Cabrini for your specialist because your leg hurt? I think that day the doctor told you you have a cancer in your leg, but when you came out of the specialist and I drove you home you said nothing to me about it at all. Just that everything is fine. Remember that day I asked lots of questions about babies - what's the best way to put them to sleep, and how do you introduce solids and all the rest. I find the internet gets really overwhelming, but your advice was so clear and easy. Then remember as we were going back to the carpark there was a new mum with her tiny baby. You couldn't help yourself! You got right up to the baby and said 'ach what are they doing to you!'. I remember how tired and overwhelmed the new mum looked. She didn't seem bothered by you coming up to them and their tiny baby. It was a sweet little thing. I remember thinking how lucky I'll be to have you around, so hopefully I'll never be that tired and overwhelmed when I have a baby. But to be fair, if you were around there's a good chance I'd never see the baby - much like when I was born you never put me down! Me and the cousins had Irish accents before we had Aussie. I feel so sorry to not have you around for whatever might come in my future with James. Please look down and help when you can though.

Although we both believe in ghosts, ghosts scare you but don't (often) scare me. I doubt you'll ever visit me. I would love it if you did. The thing I love about Scotland is how old it is - our people have lived on these lands for centuries and centuries. Maybe not as long as the Fortingall Yew tree, but nearly. We drove past farm fields and saw standing stones from the Picts and from the Pagans. On our first day driving we visited this spot called 'Dunino Den' which is where the Druids used to do human sacrifice and carved faces and Celtic symbols into the rock for their ancient ceremonies. The place felt so spiritual. Me and James climbed up some slippery ancient steps and when we got to the top of this rock the wind picked up like the forest fairies were giving us some warning. Then when we went back down it started really raining but the canopy kept us perfectly dry. I was certain the fairies or ghosts had cursed us, but everything on this trip has been perfect. Although I think I have lost some pairs of knickers and socks - maybe the fairies have been stealing them.

One thing I didn't realise until after you died was how much I'd feel like I'd lost a part of my culture. Scottish culture is actually quite different from Northern Irish. And even then, our family doesn't speak any Gaelic or anything, so I suppose there's a lot of Irish culture we miss out on too. But being in Scotland has made me feel a bit like I'm skirting around the edge of a culture that is slipping through my fingers. Me and James went to a pub in Oban that was hosting a Scottish Ceilidh dance. We sat outside and listened to the bagpipe music and watched the adults and young kids dance and jig. Scottish music is quite different from Irish. But you know they played 'I'll Tell Me Ma', and that song of course reminded me of you, and has been stuck in my head ever since. I wonder if they also change the lyrics from 'Bell from Belfast City' to 'Bell from Oban City', depending on what town they are in.

After you died, me and Allie went through some of the old photo you had been sorting out. We found the most beautiful photos of younger you in a lovely dress, sitting on a hill in Ireland. I thought how free and happy you looked - I wonder if you were ever that happy and at home in Australia - Ireland really was your home. I hope you are back there now.

Maybe that's why I miss you so much at the moment. Maybe you're a bit closer to me while I'm here, just across the sea.

We go home in a couple of days and I'm going to give Granda the biggest hug. He misses you so. We all do.

Love you granny. Miss you.Lue lisää