Turtles and Cowboys

This is the good version.

For years, I have thought about experiencing life on a cowboy ranch.... Why? Because it's different, rugged, physical, no-nonsense living.... And country music, of course. In planning this trip, I discovered dude ranches, where tourists go to experience the cowboy life. Fantastic! But expensive. So, I wrote to two in Tennessee asking if I could work for them, for free, for 3 weeks, in exchange for food and accommodation. I told them I was not experienced with horses, but could do general labour, gofer, housekeeping, guest services etc.i didn't mention being terrified of horses. No need.

I literally jumped and screamed for joy when Shawn, the owner of French Broad Outpost Ranch said yes. He seemed too busy for communication, so I didn't push it with questions, like what will I do, hours of work etc.

Upon arrival, the owners and husband & wife team, Shawn and Joanne were running the show - guests, hotel, bar, games room, 3 meals a day in the dining hall, activities including cattle drives, trail rides, riding lessons, and night rides into the mountains. The ranch is fronted by a stables, a livery, fields, pastures and a corral....and backdropped by hills and mountains. The setting is peaceful and beautiful. The day I arrived, I was excited and nervous on equal measure. Without a car, which I didn't have, there is no way on or off the property. Not is there phone or data signal. At our living quarters, we had WiFi... Thank God

57 horses from 4 months to 34 years of age, some fit and healthy, a lot on the thin side and some very skin and bones. I was told those were old/sick but as Shawn doesn't believe in euthanasia, they stay.

I was thrown into kitchen hand, waitress, cleaner and housekeeping, bar staff....Other than Shawn and Joanne, there were only 2 other staff, wranglers, whose job it is to look after the grounds, and the horses, and ensure safety in the activities and wait on the guests at dining. Working hours are 7 am to 10pm, assuming there are no problems. (There are always problems!)

There were a teenage brother & sister who helped out daily to avoid going to school. They were obedient and helpful and were good with the horses. To be fair, with the high turnover of staff, Shawn relied a lot on these guys and I am pretty sure he was paying them but calling them volunteers as they are too young to work.

I was living on the other side of the ranch, in a barn converted into staff quarters which could house 20 staff in a communal facility. With lots of staff overworked and quitting, this place hasn't been taken care of and the communal area is disgusting. I give it a miss. We had a lot of pigeons, stink bugs, gnats and crickets to keep us company. It was basic but absolutely fine. I slept above 2 blind horses, who spend their days and nights walking around, bumping into the walls. Behind the barn, were another 2 horses, a skinny one needing feeding up and a feisty stallion. A few minutes away, we had fields of another 15 horses and 10 cows. This was my patch and I liked the tranquility.

The walk to the ranch was over 1/2 a mile of rocky road through woodland and I would often bump into the 8 or so white tail deer that lived there. Also, saw a black snake, a green snake, a skunk and a family of turkeys.

Shawn was friendly to me in general, but was a poor people manager. The two wranglers quit on my second day of work, leaving 0 staff, just myself and the 2 teenagers. They left with the guests, as there only means of transport off the remote property.

In addition to all the housekeeping required to prepare for incoming guests (l am the only one doing it), I am asked to feed the horses 3 times a day on my patch. Up to this point, I have just given some horses a few carrots. It's an easy job which I love, just adds to the hours of work be and physicality. I have to drive a truck which has a smashed up rear end, broken fuel inlet, low tire pressure, non-working gauge, poor lights and no reverse lights ~ only on the private property but the terrain wasn't easy on the truck. We never knew when we would run out of gas..... And the property itself didn't have gas from one day to the next because it required Bob, Shawn's 91 year old Dad to drive and get it. Bob was kept active most days with feed, fuel or other runs to the nearest town.

Mainly, everything was in a shambles as there were not enough staff.... Which mainly is due to people quitting because Shawn and Joanne treat their staff with disdain, at best.

Food is provided, it is plentiful and tastes ok/good. It's fairly processed or home cooked with lots and lots of butter. Joanne's mantra is that everything is improved by butter. The irony is that she hardly eats anything herself! This diet worsened a Crohn's flare that had started rumbling in recent weeks due to me not taking my injections (I knew I couldn't I keep them cold while traveling). I struggled with this till after I left the ranch.

Then Brandy comes, a new cook from Texas. We hit it off. Sadly, she didn't with Shawn and Joanne. Brandy lasted 9 days, with daily arguments, discussions and hostility.

We had some oldies come in for a bucket list trip. It was paid for by a TV show, 'Make a Wish'. That night, we had some live country folk music....I genuinely couldn't understand these two old men, their accents were so gnarled, mumbling and twangy, I wasn't sure if they were inbred hillbillies. I did a Dolly Parton kareoke song to get the party started and luckily, there are no videos.

I enjoyed mucking out and grooming the blind horses and had a special connection with Dakota, a large male bay who loved the attention. The first time I mucked them out I was scared as had been warned they spook easily because they are blind and could cause significant damage in their confined stable. It took me ages to get my wheelbarrow past them to the poo pile....I went outside and around climbing over and electric fence, back and forth.... Not realising it was electric let alone live!!!! How I didn't get zapped, I don't know. Brandy got zapped on her first day!

A new wrangler came, 18 year old Addison. Her family had a dairy farm and she is creative, practical, strong and knows horses. She is also immature, naive, silly, rude and adorable all at the same time. We hit it off.

However, Addison is doing a job that the two boys quit because it was too much for 2 people. So, I helped Addison where I could. We would work so hard and fast that often we were running, all through the day, from one job to another, with intermittent crises (sick/dying horse, horse stuck on a rocky ledge) or time wasters (escaping donkeys, cattle break outs, complaining guests). Addison is also fixing fences - this was not my strong point.

In addition to the normal jobs, I got on the roof to clean upstairs outside windows and the guttering. Another day, I was fixing broken toilets, cleaning out the barn, fixing broken buckets, checking the electric fence for obstructions, moving hay bales, cleaning windows.

We had an outdoors BBQ lunch for the guests each week which was a nice escape from the kitchen, the guests enjoyed and we would have the river views and camp fire smoke for authenticity.

Addison got sick on her 4th day and was taken to hospital. I had to start moving the horses instead of Addison at feeding time. I didn't know all their names....it was a steep learning curve for me and I was grateful for Brandy helping me

Addison quit but with literally nowhere to go and no money, Brandy and I convinced her to grovel for her job back, and make a plan to leave safely, rather than walk down the railway track and find someone from Snapchat to house her.

This worked but caused Brandy and Joanne to have an unprofessional and distressing screaming match. The next day was Brandy's birthday. She went off site, I bought us all a MacDonalds and cupcakes, and we sang her happy birthday. She quit 2 hours later and I was glad she left, for her mental health and for tense atmosphere of conflict to change.

Two horses rescued by Joanne from the glue factory bring in a virus, which travels to all the horses, via the staff. Some are more sick than others, and the medicine is expensive but Shawn treats all the sick horses. This is time consuming and also means some horses can't be used by the guests, and the guests themselves, are questioning why all the horses are sick, coughing, skinny etc

Did I mention Addison is great with the horses....I admire this little lady so much, she is calm in an emergency and doesn't let fear overcome her.

One horse, Tasbah, died. I found her, after the previous 24 hours nursing her, walking her, staying up all night in the field with her, willing her to make it. She rallied but then she had enough. She had other health issues and was too skinny. I was pleased she was not suffering any more. Under the stars, near Tasbah's body, Addison and I sobbed and had a heart to heart - a gift from Tasbah. Addison finally trusted me to tell me her story which had been the cruellest and unfairest of lives. At 18, she has no-one looking out for her, no-one to support her and no-one who would notice if she disappeared. In that moment, she got me.

Of course, the guests loved me being helpful with my English accent. They were interested about my life and travels. One group talked and decided I was in a Witness Protection Program :-) They all saw and commented how hard we worked. Customer service wasn't Shawn's strong point as he was quite inflexible. He believes in conspiracy theories and shares these with the guests whether they like it or not.

Joanne arranged it so I could get on a horse one day, join a class and try Shawn's technique. They said it was good for a first attempt by my horse Toga was broken, and didn't move according to my instructions. And when she did trot, I made her stop after 3 seconds, because it was all too much for me. I don't think horse riding features greatly in my future but it was great to get the opportunity and I did enjoy it.

The 10 cows used for the castle drives are smarter than they look. They worked out the electric fence was grounded and escaped their field, into the barn, into the horse feed... knocking over anything in their way and crapping over everything else. Due to the rucus one morning, at 5am in my pajamas, with only a torch, I was shouting and chasing the cows away from the barn. This will be humerous for my walking friends who have seen me terrified of herds.

Trevor came, a new chef. He took a few days to realise that it was a challenging environment..... He was determined to stay till the first pay day.

Just as a large group of guests come, I leave a hose running for 3 hours. This is the end of a dry summer and our natural spring water source is not abundant. Cue several days of the extra duties of having to fill and ferry water bottles from one side of the ranch to be another, not just to water the horses, but also for all the toilets and showers of the guest, and the greedy kitchen dishwasher. I felt quite guilty.

I didn't meet any cowboys or cowgirls, from the owners, to the staff, to the guests. I think they are more in the West :-) Another time, maybe 🤔

Time came for me to leave, Shawn asked me to stay. I had had enough. My body ached, I was exhausted, stressed and had no time to enjoy the space. I stayed over 3 weeks so I could help them though a busy period and I was worried about Addison coping. She like the 2 previous wranglers, was saying her mental health was suffering.....

My last day, I said I wasn't going to work. So I fed the horses, groomed and mucked out the blind horses, filled all the water troughs up..... Addison said she was going to try and stay through the winter. After all, she had nowhere else to go, no money and no transport. But at least Joanne was being nice, buying her some clothes for the upcoming winter.

Cleaned up my living quarters and said my goodbyes to Addison. I asked Trevor to look out for her, being a grown ass man. Joanne gave me a goodbye gift and said some nice, warm things to me. Bob drove me to the city and that was the end of that.Read more