Days 11, 12 & 13 ; Los Angeles

So, we mis-judged the drive to Los Angeles. We'd Googled it before leaving, because we're not idiots, but being not-geniuses either we failed to fully factor-in the impact of our ignorance of Google's suggested & therefore quickest route in favour of taking a prettier, technically more direct but oh so much longer route along the Californian coast-line.

After bagels for breakfast we set-off, briefly getting lost in the vacinity of Sea World, which is likely an intentional road layout to trick people into inadvertently entering the formerly-awesome but now horribly-depressing aqua attraction. As we skirted along the cliffs and beachfronts of the South-West US the view was admitedly excellent, albeit overall progress was hampered somewhat by an abundance of traffic-signals, speed restrictions and an accidental wrong-turn into a US Marine base.

As such, it was rather late in the afternoon when we reached Los Angeles and our first stop, Venice beach; the beach that tobacco built and marajuana now supports (Kinda True: the resort was originally built by tobacco entrepreneurs and now, visitors to the beach can stop at a booth for a $40 'marajuana check-up' or something or somesuch where a doctor will issue you with a marajuana prescription to enable you to legally purchase and consume weed locally. We didn't do this...but then would I honestly admit to it here if we did? There are parents reading this...)

Mark went for a wade in the sea which he informs me was 'brisk'; he has established it to be his life's ambition to enter every ocean/sea/puddle in the world and his tally is now up to four. Five if you count Sale Water Park, but why would you. Woody then drove us up to Oxnard, a bit up and a notch to the side from LA, where we'd booked the Vagabond Inn for the night, conveniently next to a Denny's. We ate and slept and whilst there was likely more to Oxnard we didn't see it so I can't reliably report on it.

Morning of Day 12 we headed back into LA and up into the hills to the specific hill atop which stands the famous observatory, which was closed. But we hadn't driven there to observe stars, rather to observe what the stars see when they look out their windows: the Hollywood sign. We saw it; every letter and in the correct order. We read it a few times and took pictures of it and with it. There's really not much more that can be done with it. It's a sign. It says 'Hollywood' and is in Hollywood; at the very least, and indeed also at most, it's accuracy is not in question.

We went for a saunter into the hills up a series of paths that Woody and I recognised as looking identical to the area where Carol and Beverley go jogging in the hit Showtime series 'Episodes' starring Matt Leblanc and other less famous people (which is kinda the show's entire premise). I tried later to research and confirm this but it is notoriously difficult to Google the show given its non-descript title.

We next Googled then drove to, on the suggested route this time, the TCL Chinese Theatre and walked around the Walk of Fame; walking being resolutely the most appropriate way to experience it.

If somebody has headlined a film in the last circa fifty years you can bet they've got a star here. Mind, we're talking proper films; not top-shelf works or 'free with this week's Daily Express' tat. Except Ryan Renolds, disappointing Luke. There were also the iconic hand/foot-prints outside the Chinese Theatre itself where we discovered that despite being a badass Sith Lord and leader of the Empire's near-eradication of the Jedi Order, Darth Vader had surprisingly small feet.

We went for lunch at Hooters; a lovely sports-bar with a cute owl logo that serves excellent food and delivers top-notch customer service. The waitress/waiter (I can't remember which, the uniforms being of a conservative/androgynous/almost-Amish-esque design) brought us some fantastically spicy meat dishes which we enjoyed thoroughly and at no point considered either her/him or indeed us were being exploited via any undue focus on base characteristics. We left a tip and then left ourselves.

Despite my having considered our numerous geological excursions to have concluded, Mark had one more natural historological site he was keen to visit. Since we're sharing a car, the rest of us went too. The La Brea Tar Pits are the black, sticky graves of many, many, many animals that died in their black stickiness over a period of c. 36k years. That's way before the start of this blog post, and then some. Most of them apparently got stuck after trying to eat the ones that got stuck in there before them, which serves them right. As a punitive system for deterring the attempted consumption of animal flesh, the tar pit stands as the most convincing motivator yet for a vegan diet and is, unless I am sorely mistaken/talking nonsense, sponsored by the North-American chapter of PETA.

After the tar pit we headed to the motel, the 'Super 8' in Pasadena; two better than a Motel 6 and immeasurably more super. We went for dinner at the Pasadena Cheesecake Factory in geeky reverence of the Big Bang Theory TV show, something Woody was particularly excited about. We had to wait half an hour for a table but Luke entertained himself by burglarising the local Scientology centre of an 'Introduction to Dianetics' DVD.

We went in with the intention of having something quick and savoury followed by some cheesecake. We hadn't, however, banked on the Cheesecake Factory being a full-fledged restaurant with a fantastic menu, since whenever Leonard and Sheldon go there and get served by Penny and Sheldon makes a funny by not understanding social conventions and Leonard expresses his exasperation with Sheldon and Sheldon explains himself and Penny humorously doesn't understand and likens him to a robot, the place always seemed to be more like a diner.

In actuality the place is quite fancy, with delicious and massive portions of American cuisine. We each ate way too much and then chose some cheesecake from their expansive selection. I had a coffee liquor one, Luke had the 'chocolate tuxedo', Woody had the limited edition 'salted caramel' and Mark had the '30th Anniversary' slice which, as we are approaching his 30th anniversary of being alive we arranged to be served with a candle and to have the staff sing him 'Happy Birthday'. Though it wasn't technically his birthday, it was an overall happy day for Mark, us and the beneficial owners of the Cheesecake Factory franchise conglomerate.

Day 13 was a day I'd been personally especially looking forward to. We'd pre-booked tickets to visit Universal Studios Hollywood, so it would have been downright silly not to have gone. We got up super mega early like excited kids and excitedly drove, like kids that had stolen a car, across LA to Universal Studios. We were amongst the first in the park and so were able to get on most of the rides early-on without having to queue.

We rode the Simpsons ride first, which was excellent in every way except for it having replaced the Back-to-the-Future ride, which was as if not slightly more excellent. Next was The Mummy rollercoaster which was great followed by the Transformers ride which was less great but in the context of not having had to queue for it was absolutely fine.

Next though was the best ride and one which had been worryingly 'temporarily closed' upon arrival. The Jurassic Park River Adventure ride isn't only a near-perfect translation of the feeling and narrative of a near-perfect movie into an amusement park attraction but, present as we were with one of the biggest Jurassic Park fans alive today (Mark), our overall appreciation for the effort and attention-to-detail applied to it was massively heightened. Though now I think about it, it's basically a log flume.

Next we undertook the hour-long Studio Back-lot Tour, through the actual working studios of Universal Hollywood. We got to see numerous sets and studios, including the Bates Motel and Wisteria Lane(!), as well as enjoy a few scripted experiences like Jaws/King Kong/Fast & Furious. It was brilliant.

We went for an over-priced but novelty lunch at the 'Springfield' Krusty Burger where me and Woody also had a pint/whatever-measure-they-use-here of Duff beer. It tasted like cheap lager, which by sheer definition it wasn't. We watched the 'Special Effects' show where they set a guy on fire (on purpose, to be clear) and then decided we'd somehow earnt a snack so went to the 'Lard Lad Donut' shop. We were struck by the immense size of the donuts on offer, but instead of just taking a picture of one or buying one for us all to share, we decided to buy one each.

Feeling not for the first, second or even third time this holiday uncomfortably full, we next headed for what Luke and I were sure would be the highpoint of the day and that Mark and Woody had accepted they would at some point have to endure. The Wizarding World of Harry Potter was a perfect as-you'd-imagine-it recreation of Hogsmeade village, albeit with minor niggling imconsistencies (such as the presence of an Ollivanders) which initially niggled Luke but that he would later embrace.

The ride was nothing special, though the queue for the ride twisted through a miniature recreation of Hogwarts which was, as with the rest, spectacularly realised. As Woody and Mark tired of the magical fare and went off to re-ride other things, Luke and I visited Ollivanders and bought 'our' wands, indulged in some Butterbeer at the Hogs Head and generally enjoyed the immersion of the Potter area until it was almost time to leave. We did the Jurassic Park and Mummy rides once more, then did so.

Full from too-much-donut, Woody and I skipped dinner. Luke and Mark went out for some, but I'm not sure where.Read more