Ha Long Bay from home

After working fairly hard so far this holiday, we decided to go on holiday.

For our mini-break we went for a 24-hour cruise into then back out of Ha Long Bay. We had to wake early to get to the travel office by 7:45 ; not even enough time for the hotel to tell me they don't have the ingredients for what I would usually order, so we each had quick untoasted 'toast' instead.

(Disclaimer : our hotel in Hanoi was and is fantastic, digs are affectionate and my TripAdvisor review confirms this stance)

Our journey from Hanoi to Ha Long harbour felt swifter than it was, on a reasonably comfortable bus with interesting scenery and a brief bathroom-break stop at a shop selling imported goods at imported prices, presumably mainly to tourists making the same journey we were.

The harbour was organised chaos, with much an abundance of the latter diluting any hint of the former. Finally reaching the waterside we were vaguely shepherded toward a small boat labelled 'Treasure Junk', the name of the boat we'd booked. After putting on our lifejackets, taking a seat on hard wooden benches and wondering where we were supposed to plug in our essential smart-appliances, also sleep, it became clear that this was a smaller shuttle boat to take us to the main boat.

(Disclaimer : this was clear way before this moment, but portrayed as it happened would be less narratively satisfying)

The main boat, the actual Treasure Junk, looked slightly worn from the exterior, but was stunning on the inside. Like a floating 4-ish star hotel, we knew instantly that this would be the most luxurious accommodation we'd be experiencing during our trip.

The rooms were immaculate, with beautifully kept furnishings, waterfall shower facilities, stunning sea views (which, fair enough, not too admirable an accomplishment for a room on a boat) and, having strategically outplayed my compatriots in a heated match of rock-paper-scissors, I had won the added benefit of a room all to myself. It was almost a shame that our itinerary was so jam-packed, we'd be spending little-to-no time in them.

First they fed us. We were seated to a table with menus listing seven listed meals we naturally assumed would either be options on a buffet or from which we could select our preferences. Instead we were each brought all seven courses of perfectly cooked and flavoured seafood in succession. The dessert course included a mysterious fruit, white with black spots that when tasted conveyed neither texture nor taste, rendering it both unique and utterly un-noteworthy. On reflection, I'm not entirely sure there was any fruit, perhaps my limited perception of it was a hallucination caused by some poorly-cooked seafood, my assessment of it as being perfectly cooked itself a symptom, or maybe some sort of magic-eye placemat. Woody said it was dragon-fruit, which is appropriate as dragons don't exist either.

Next we went kayaking. Each kayak held two people and, following a team rock-paper-scissors performance to rival our lunchtime doubles kickabout days, Woody and I were paired. Weight distribution is important in a kayak and, my natural height and strict regime of unhealthy food and minimal exercise paying-off, my bulk had to be seated at the back and Woody at the front. To use completely accurate kayaking terminology used by the crew, I was the King and Woody my Queen. Just like in that dream I once had.

We kayaked to a nearby beach, taking in the gorgeous scenery as we went. We quickly achieved a good rowing rythmn, our years at the gym together rotating through every apparatus aside from the rowing machine reaping reward. Upon reaching the beach, Mark was overjoyed to find the first cave of the holiday, which was like this concave chamber in the cliffside that you could walk into and everything. More, way way more, on the caves front to come.

In the evening we attended a spring roll rolling demonstration, then got to roll ones for ourselves. They were the same dish we'd tried constructing at Woody's birthday/housewarming party last month but had found difficult to wrap due to the stickiness of the rice paper. Turns out the trick is to make the rice paper less sticky.

We had some beer on deck as the sun set then went for our predictably-by-now fancy dinner. We then tried our hand at squid fishing. This involved them turning on some bright lamps over the water, theoretically to attract squid, and having us hold poles supporting un-baited hooks over the side of the boat. That there appeared to be no plan in place as to what we'd do if we caught a squid suggests they didn't expect us to, and these expectations were met. We stood there for quite a while and, though we couldn't find the hidden cameras, I'm convinced the activity was being filmed for idiot-tourists-look-what-we-made-them-do.com

We had an early start on the second day, assembling on the deck for a Tai Chi lesson before a light breakfast then sailing to the floating village. This was, and still is presuming no typhoon has struck in the past day, a community living in floating shacks in Hanoi bay, their economy centred around the cultivation of pearls. We were first taken on a boat tour of the village, rowed through by a slight Vietnamese woman with incredible shoulder strength, culminating at workshop where we were taught how pearls were made before they tried to sell us the pearls they, or more accurately the oysters, made. The jewellery was very nice, laid out for tourists and for sale at tourist prices, but I was totally about to drop a few grand on a necklace before realising my girlfriend is vegan so mightn't appreciate it.

(Disclaimer: I wasn't, but actually now wouldn't. Creating and harvesting pearls is sadistically clever but needlessly brutal and nobody should buy them or wear them for any reason, ever)

After this we went for a 9:45am lunch then sailed back toward the harbour for a bus back to Hanoi to walk to collect our bags from the ever-helpful Phillip at the highly-recommended Hanoi Brother Inn & Travel hotel (tell 'em Nick sent ya and you'll get the same deal as everybody else) then walk to the station to catch a sleeper train to Phong Nha-Kẻ Bàng National Park, our next destination, where Mark promises there'll be caves. Which I'm really really looking forward to...

(Disclaimer: the rule-of-three dictates that this is one-to-many disclaimers)Read more