Good Luck with the Bad Stuff

It is customary, when I travel, to keep a travel blog. My old blog travelpod.com has been shut down, so I'm trying out this new one. As with all things digital, this one seems more suited for short captions and pictures rather than full essays like I intend to write. We will see how it goes.

I'm about an hour away from boarding my first of two flights today to Moscow via Singapore. I'm travelling on my own, but I will be part of a deligation of around 35 Aussies, all taking part in a conference hosted by the Democratic Youth and World Federation of Youth and Students. There will apparently be around 20,000 participants at the festival, this year held in Sochi, Russia. These conferences have been run annually since around the end of WWII to keep good relations between the young people of the world, and to promote, as the festival tag line says; "peace, solidarity and social justice, we struggle against imperialism. Honouring our past, we build the future!"
Many of the topics for discussion seem to be on the Great October Revolution and the state of Trade Unions, so there is definitely a left-wing agenda which I can get behind. Though I'm mainly looking forward to hearing what people from other countries think about these topics, and the fact that this is held in Russia.

I got my hair cut last week, and was chatting to the hairdresser about my upcoming trip. I was lamenting to him that although I think this will be the 28th country I've visited, I am extremely nervous. Russia is so exotic. He said 'yeh, all I know about it is the bad stuff!'. Despite the workshops and discussion panels, the biggest thing I think I'll learn on this trip is how much our opinions of Russia are shaped by American imperialism and Hollywood flicks where the baddie has a heavy Slavic accent. The cold war never really concluded with peace, and Russia seems just as proud as America. It will be interesting to see the other side of the story.

Im not the first person in my family to travel to Russia, but I am the first to travel since the fall of the soviet union. I'm sure the stories my family tell me about their delegations visiting the capitals of European socialism will be very different to my experience of Moscow, St Petersburg and Sochi. I'm also the same age as the first generation of Russians to have never experienced socialism. Around 10,000 Russian locals will be attending this festival so I should have ample time to hear their thoughts on the benefits of socialism and of capitalism.

I have visited some Eastern European, ex soviet countries in my time backpacking across Europe. They were quite miserable places. Very run down and the older people barely smiled. The grey wintery weather made the stoic buildings blend in with the grey demeanour of the people. My favourite memory was in Sofia, where I walked through an old socialist park, complete with soviet statues of proletariat workers, working for the good of the people. The statues were a bit tired looking, but the concrete parks were now left to the mercy of skater kids, using the steps and statues as jumps. There was something quite sad and beautiful in this. These countries seemed to become very poor under socialism, or maybe it was the 25 years of capitalism that had made them so. Either way, my view of soviet times changed a little after visiting Bulgaria, Czech Republic, Budapest and even Berlin. I'm not expecting Moscow to be as run down as Sofia,but I am expecting it to aid in my opinions of this communist time before I was born.

Today has been a better day, mood wise. My first trip overseas was to Borneo when I was 17, where I trekked with my school friends though the jungle for 5 days, and attempted to climb a mountain. I've lived in Japan for a year when I barely spoke the language. I've backpacked Europe for over 4 months. But for all of those trips I didn't have as crippling anxiety as I do now. It's funny how with age and unfortunate experiences comes a drop in confidence. My messed up brain can't distinguish between travel nerves and excitement with a fight-or-flight, life-or-death panic attack. This weekend leading up to today has been horrible. And what makes it worse is the knowledge that I am a fine traveller - I revel on this. I've done worse than this before, and been less organised, and stood out more. With anxiety and unsubstantiated panic comes the nagging thoughts that maybe I have a severe manic disorder. What would that feel like, and how would I know? October last year was the worst panic attack I've ever had, I thought I was dying or turning insane. Nothing seemed to set it off. This month is also my late boyfriend Dave's birthday month. I'll be two days from flying home from sochi on what would've been his 27th birthday. Instead of thinking of the next two weeks I have lined up in Russia, I get flung back into the past, and with it comes heart palpitations, nausea and feelings of self doubt.

I will find my old sassy self in Russia I hope. The 'bad stuff' comment from my hairdresser, the 'good luck' message from my airline check in clerk, and the lack of any travel information to russia makes me want to experience it all the more. What is so daunting about this mammoth, successful country that makes everyone so scared? The other thing these unfounded panic attacks tell me is that I need to get away. Nothing gives you perspective like travelling, it's like finding yourself again, and sometimes for the first time.Read more