One More Sleep

Tomorrow I begin the long flight to Tanzania. My first time on the continent of Africa, which, to be honest, has never been high on my bucket list- not sure why.
I am a mass of tangled feelings right now, not the least of which is excitement. But that tangled mass is not insignificantly composed of fear. Fear has always been my arch nemesis. For many years I allowed it to paralyze me. To not take risks. To stay too long in bad situations or to escape good situations too quickly because they became difficult and I was afraid I couldn’t do it.
I once had a young client who came to me because of her anxiety. I sent her home with the assignment to write down everything that she was afraid of. The next week she brought me a list; both sides of an 8 1/2x11 sheet of notebook paper filled with all of her fears. I actually had to ask what several of them even were ,(“What is Sarin gas?”). She mentioned that the assignment had been helpful. So I thought I would do that here and hopefully put some structure around my fears to keep the overwhelm away. Here goes:
Plane crash- not the dying part but the terror leading up to the dying.
Getting COVID- I’m not afraid of getting COVID but wouldn’t it just be my luck to get it at the start of the trip.

As I was writing this my sister Ceil pinged me with a text to see how I was feeling about the trip. I told her I had a case of the “what ifs” and she asked me to name the biggest ones. Here is how that conversation went: (Many typos cuz I’m copying and pasting. Cuz I’m lazy.)

Me:
I am just journaling and naming the things I’m afraid of. And the more I think about it my fears have more to do with my discomfort than anything else. Like being cold. I hate being cold.
But some stuff is like- “it would be just my luck to get covid at the start of this”. Or what if I end up getting acute mountain sickness? How much would that suck having to climb when you’re nauseous and throwing up? And then - what if I end up with HACE or HAPE. My doctor told me that his colleagues wife died after summiting Kili. And then I read an article written by a group of doctors and nurses that said how many people they witnessed with symptoms of HAPE being encouraged to climb higher and how even though the guides carry oxygen many of them don’t even know how or when to use it. So now I’m reviewing my EMT procedures in how to crack an oxygen canister! Oh- and then one guy on my FB groups passed out and couldn’t summit and when he got back he was diagnosed with cholera.
So- ya know- stuff like that!

Ceil:
🤣🤕😊I love you! Ok- first, your list above reminds me of how you would go they all the things that could go wrong when u were on the pilgrimage- it makes sense for them to go thru ur head, and be prepared, but after a point, you got to ride. I think Ughs if at any point u are feeling I’ll, u will know u need to stop- and I don’t think YOU are so “I must summit” that tgat mindset would override your gut. Always go with ur gut instinct- regardless of what that might mean for others. That said, you’ve done everything you could to be prepared for this- and you are so much stronger than you know, let that surprise you. ❤️

Me:
Oh- I know all that intellectually. And none of it will stop me- but like- what if I lose the hearing in my other ear?
😂😁🙄

Ceil:
What if you get your period?🤣 🤣😂

Me:
Oh no! I hadn’t considered that! What if nuclear war breaks out?

Also-No Diet Coke on Kili! 😮😰

Ceil:
Ok- NOW I’m worried for u!!!

I feel so seen!Läs mer