Day 4 - Help me - I'm melting...

09:30
I’m frustratingly awake a little after 06:00. I was asleep before 23:00, so it’s not like I’ve not had a decent amount. It’s more that my darling wife fell asleep well before me, and has continued to sleep for two hours after I wake up. It’s just not fair. I’ve spent a happy enough couple of hours working out our plans for today. We’re going to do our very best to do more than a glorified bar crawl. So - that’s slightly fewer bars, slightly more random pictures of weird shit. Hold tight for feedback…
16:30
We have repaired to our hotel room to recover before our tuk-tuk food tour later. The temperature is crushing. We head out for some breakfast around 11:00, and then jump on the courtesy tuk-tuk from our hotel down to the Grand Palace at 12:00. The sun is sweltering. We quickly clock a poster informing us that we are not appropriately dressed. Long trousers for men, and I suspect they’d cast aspersions on Vicki’s leggings as well. Fair fucks - we should have checked ahead of time. We plan to head on to Wat Pho - famous for the giant, gold reclining buddha. It’s a 15 minute walk, but we feel like we’ve walked double that distance. I stop to douse myself in factor 50 sunscreen. As we near the entrance, I spot the same poster. We’re not having much luck today, and are starting to melt. We quickly decide to head for the river, and hope we find a bar we can shelter in for a while. Walking past both the Grand Palace and Wat Pho, they look very pretty, but there’s no way I’m wearing long trousers in heat like this.

Approaching the riverside, we find a cool (literally and figuratively) little bar/restaurant and dive in. The Chang they bring me is perhaps the sweetest nectar I’ve ever tasted. Vicki is sat in front of a giant fan. As we finish our beers, we decide we’re not yet ready to brave the heat again, so order a couple of gin and tonics. We could put roots down quite happily… The views over the river are great. Across the river is Wat Arun, another stunning example of Buddhist temple architecture (which we won’t be allowed into due to dress code etc etc). I have a squiz in my Lonely Planet, and yes - they do advise that you check the dress code requirements for these monuments. C’est la vie.

We decide to head further to the east of Bangkok, towards Chinatown. The best option is to jump on one of the regular boat buses that meander chaotically up and down the Chao Phraya river. It’s a short, 5 min walk to the ferry pier, and we’re both steaming by the time we arrive. We buy our tickets (all of 20p each), and sit in the waiting room for our ferry. There’s a digital display showing that two boats are going to arrive soon that are heading the wrong way (for us) up the river, but there are no scheduled boats going the way we need. Suddenly, the tannoy system kicks into life. We blindly follow people in making for the boarding point. Hopefully there’s a) going to be a boat, and b) it’ll be the right one. There is and it is. We (very) quickly board the Orange boat heading East. We’ve got 4 stops to go. Cruising down the river is amazing. The views of life on the shore are fascinating - a mixture of family homes on stilts over water, food and drink places, and the occasional hotel. A few longtail boats speed past us - serving as private water taxis. The boat’s pretty busy. For the folks of Bangkok, it’s much like taking the bus.

We disembark at Marine Department, and head for a restaurant I’ve heard great things about, which is only a couple of minutes walk up the road. We arrive, and the only seating options are outside in the sun. We decline. We walk further to find another well reviewed place, which is closed. Today is a public holiday, and quite a few places have shut.

I find one last place to try, and we set off. I can just about bare the heat, which is suffocating. I can see Vicks is starting to struggle. We’re about halfway to this alleged hostelry when we pass a 7/11. We dive in to cool down in the stunningly cold A/C. I suggest we grab some cold water, and Vicki approves. She looks a bit peaky, and I suggest she has a little rest before we continue. Bless - she’s been properly taken down by the heat, and has a little sit down next to one of the chilled food sections. We decide that continuing to march around this heat isn’t going to do anyone any favours. We grab a cab to take us back towards Banglamphu. We seek refuge in Tani, where we had lunch yesterday. We know the room is cool, the food is great, and the wine may or may not be available. We have a fabulous lunch, a really pretty good bottle of Prosecco to share, after some more confusion on the part of the service team to find what we’ve ordered. We’re just grateful when they turn up with cold things.

Back in our room, the A/C is cranked up to the max, and we’re trying to summon the energy to head back out around 18:00…

23:30
Well that was FUN. We jump in a cab around 17:45 to take us over towards Chinatown. The car is a Mitsubishi Xpander. True story. As the sun starts to set, it feels like the very worst of the heat is beginning to pass. We arrive at the mall near which we’ll meet our guide and fellow tourists. Both of us are feeling a touch sideways. Difficult to put finger on, but just a sense of being out of sorts. Vicks uses the word discombobulated. I retort with dazed and confused. Neither of us is wrong. It feels like we have a light touch of heat stroke - a little dizziness, light nausea, and I’ve had a banging headache all day. In the mall, we find a grocery store and buy cold water and a couple of chocolate bars. They help us feel a little better.

Meeting time for the tour is 19:00, and we’re quickly bundled into our tuk-tuk for the evening’s entertainment. Our first stop is at a Michelin recommended noodle shop. We have a quick look at their ‘kitchen’ which is 4 oil drums being used as charcoal burners in what can best be described as a back-alley. The heat is staggering, but the skill on show breathtaking. Their stir-fried chicken noodles are sublime. Amazing marinade on the chicken, hand pulled rice noodles with an other worldly texture, eggs scrambled in at the end of cooking, then finished with some moderately spicy pickled chillies, and some sweet and sour sriracha. Banging. The price for these noodles of all noodles? £1.20 for a decent bowlful.

Our second stop is slightly more esoteric. It’s run by an Uighur Muslim, who emigrated to Northern Thailand (Chiang Mai) about 15 years ago, and then on to Bangkok around 8 years ago. She brought the flavours of the Chinese Muslim traditions with her, but cooks with local ingredients that would be out of place in China. Galangal aplenty, fresh white pepper, egg noodles, and coconut milk. We’re served another healthy portion of chicken, stewed in a spiced coconut broth, with egg noodles, and deep dried wonton wrappers. Our guide, Bill, directs us to top the bowl with a squeeze of lime, some raw red onion and some pickled cabbage. It’s delicious, and whilst I might have thought the onion and cabbage overkill, they both really add to the taste of the dish.

By stop 3, we’re flagging a little. Happily, it’s a more family style affair, with sharing plates laid across a large table. Some grilled pork neck is just brilliant, a pork soup like a hug in a bowl, a salad of pickled bamboo shoots not quite what I expected, and a Som Tum (green papaya salad) actually a bit bland. Vicks and I both love this salad, but particularly when it’s got bang and punch in equal amounts. This is delicate, subtly fragrant, and as a result, just a touch underwhelming.

We’re rolling towards the finish line, with a stop at a snack stall for sweet treats. I couldn’t really tell you what they are. Honestly - all three that we try are a little strange. One is deep fried egg yolk noodles with stewed persimmon, one is a little doughy coconut cake, and the last is a sort of rubbery disc of ‘something’ with some crunchy banana in it.

We’ve christened our driver ‘Jeff’ mainly so we have something to shout to him to cajole him to drive faster. There are 8 people on our tour, in 4 tuk-tuks. Whilst the race isn’t official, there’s quite a lot of scheming and skullduggery at play. On one single corner, we somehow conspire to go from 1st to 4th. We are disappointed. Jeff doesn’t seem to care.

Our penultimate stop is at the flower market, a huge engine of enterprise that is open 24/7. We learn a little about how to fold lotus flowers properly, see huge mountains of marigolds being prepared for forthcoming religious celebrations, and are shown some weird and wonderful vegetables by Bill.

It’s pushing 22:00, and Vicks and I are both ready for a beer. Happily, our last stop is at a riverside bar, very near where we pit-stopped earlier today. The view across to Wat Arun is incredible. The temple is lit up, and contrasts so vividly against the backdrop of the city. A drink is included in our tour price, so we both grab a Cuba Libre, and kick-back. We’re on a 5th floor rooftop terrace, and the breeze is taking the edge off the heat.

At 22:15, Jeff takes us back to our hotel, which we ignore and head to a bar we found last night that serves half decent wine at more than half decent prices. I love going back to a bar that we’ve only visited once, only to be greeted like long-lost friends returning from adventures. Couple of wines later, and we’re ready for rest. We’ve made some decisions about our plans tomorrow that should avoid us having to do too much walking in the insane heat. As it’s not a public holiday, we should also find it easier to locate cool oases along the way to simmer down.

SHOULD.

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