Ein Kafka Freitag

As Tom Banks awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.

I didn't really. But, as I went to bed on Thursday night, I fully expected to wake up on Friday with a nightmarish, kafkaesque day ahead of me. I had taken the day of work especially so that I could go and jump through the necessary German bureaucracy hoops. I was not expecting it to be easy.

The first thing I had to do was go to there nearest Einwohnermeldeamt and register myself as residing at such an address. There are a number of these Einwohnermeldeamt offices scattered all across the city, each one relevant only to the residents of a particular neighbourhood. I searched google for the closet one to me, and scribed an X on my map (yes, I have finally found myself a Düsseldorf city map).

I set off in to the 30 degree heat, searching for this buro, dreading the bureaucracy that lay ahead. It was a ten minute walk to the street the buro is on, and when I got to there, it wasn't obvious which building it was in. I had to do a bit of searching. But, eventually, I saw the government signage and paraphernalia, and knew I had arrived at the the correct building. I was a little surprised, then, to walk in and find myself in the middle of a buffet for Turkish woman. Out of about 25-30 people in the room, I was the only man, I was the only one not wearing a headscarf. Already something had gone wrong.

'You are in the wrong room,' one of the women said to me, 'you must go upstairs to floor three.'

I most definitely was in the wrong room, that's for sure. I took her advice and headed up to floor three. There, I had to sit in a room that reminded me of a doctors surgery; I had to press some buttons on a touch screen computer, which then in turn printed off a little piece of paper with a number on, and I then had to go and sit on a chair and wait for that number to be called out.

My number was 430, and I watched the screen as it counted up to me, 425, 426, 427, 428, 429, me!

Off I went, into the unknown, into the bureaucrats office. I heard the words, 'Guten tag,' for the first time since arriving in Germany, and I was instructed to sit down. I did so and handed over my passport. The woman then went about typing random stuff into her computer; typing in that really quick, loud, important way that that only secretaries know how to.

And then we were done. Quick, easy and painless. She printed off a sheet with my address number thingy on and then started reaching about for something under her desk. 'Welcome to Düsseldorf,' she said whilst handing me what I thought was a pizza. Alas, it was just a box containing really useful information . But I was feeling hungry and needed some breakfast. I said 'auf wiedersehen,' for the first time since arriving here, and headed back out in to the heat. Next stop a bakery.

After my Croissant, I had to walk for about 20 minutes to another civil service building (they are everywhere!), this one called a Finanzamt. There, I had to get myself a tax number. I got there and it was the same thing, same process. I sat down, waited my turn, got invited in to an office given a number and then that was that.

Now what? Now I had to go and get another number from another civil service office - yes, another number from another civil service office! The number is called a Sozialversicherungsausweis, which, just for fun, you can try and pronounce. If you are good at it, why not try and pronounce 'Donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitänsmütze'? Donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitänsmütze means captains hat and Sozialversicherungsausweis basically means national insurance number. So yeah, after about 15 minutes of form filling I got my Sozialversicherungsausweis.

Last thing last, I had to open a bank account at the Sparkasse. Surely, given that everything so far had go to plan, this would prove difficult and madly bureaucratic? But it didn't. It, too, proved easy and quick. And now it is half one, and I've achieved everything I need to achieve. Thank god for that.

I'm going for a meal at 8pm in the Altstadt, but between then and now I have nothing to do. So why not wander around Düsseldorf for a bit and explore some of the neighbourhoods I'm unfamiliar with?Read more