Chiang Mai Temples Tour - Monks

So I am pretty much the only 25-35 year old tourist in Chiang Mai currently, seriously. I keep booking tours or guides and they keep cancelling or TripAdvisor is telling me there’s a 2 person minimum. I’m a problem solver so I call a highly rated tour and say “hey do you want to make some money?” Next thing I know I have a private tour off the books (apparently not so kosher here) for $60 to show me all the temples (the good ones, there are hundreds) and walk me through Buddhism. Coincidentally, my guide used to be a monk. Pohn is the man, and funny story, Pohn is actually spelled like Porn, but was getting giggles so often by tourists that he went to the government office to get his name spelling changed to Pohn. He had no idea why white tourists were laughing at him for years. Poor guy.

Porn, sorry, POHN was very detailed at every stop because I told him I was fascinated by monks and wanted to understand their ways (I’m currently reading “Think like a Monk”). Thai people have 5 main rules to live by, similar to our 10 commandments. Monks have over 200. Their purpose: create a minimalist society toward a path to enlightenment, or become walking angels if you will (it’s funny because they can’t drive or ride bikes). No temptations of any kind, no mirrors so they can check themselves out, and a daily routine that never changes. But why?? Don’t you want to make the sex? Eat pizza?? I know…of all the great things about life, I chose those. Clearly you’ve been eating shitty pizza. Their answer to “why” is very simple: everyone is fucking unhappy, and what’s the point of living if you know you will be unhappy. Every human needs to practice gratitude, peace, and kindness.

There are city monks and forest monks. City monks wear a yellow/orange robe and interact with the community whereas forest monks wear a reddish robe and are all about meditation and the land. The temples are stunning. What I liked about them is that the detail is insane and there is meaning behind every color, jewel, carving, and statue. It’s not “just pretty” because people will think so, it’s all purposeful. We visited 5 temples in the old city, new city, and ancient city. The Silver Temple (new temple, almost finished) was probably the most interesting since I met the ladies that were actually carving the detail from the silver plating that was going to be put on the temple. They have been silver handlers for generations with nothing but a small hammer and a pick, and the detail is so intricate (see pic). Naturally, I asked if they had stuff to sell the white man. “Come with me to my secret room,” she said. It wasn’t a real secret room, I’m just playing up the drama. I bought a piece of artwork and would have purchased 10 more if I could fit them in my bags.

Let’s talk about Buddha for a sec. I have to admit I knew nothing about Buddhism or Buddha. For those that don’t know, I am not a fan of being “religious.” We won’t go there. What I do like about Buddhism is that Buddha was a normal mortal man (just like Jesus Christ. Oh, whoops). His name wasn’t even Buddha before he became Buddha. He was born into a royal family which shielded him from anything bad in the world, he was constantly supervised and censored. When he ran off one day and was introduced to the pain and suffering of average people, he felt cheated. He was so upset that he decided to devote the rest of his life to a path of enlightenment and became the first monk (and was given the name Buddha). Also, this is just how Pohn tells it and this is purely from my memory (no I didn’t take notes you nerd) so if any of this is off then go kill someone else’s vibe. And just like what man has done since the beginning of time, any areas of unclarity were filled in by made up stories built on ego, power, and fear. Tada! Buddhism.

Another funny story: Big Buddha. Big Buddha was a very handsome monk (striking resemblance to Buddha) who achieved enlightenment. He was followed by villagers constantly giving him food and donations for his looks. He was upset because he wanted them to love him for what’s on the inside, so he used his magic powers to get fat, testing the true love of the villagers. Let me tell that again but in simple speak: he felt like a petty IG model getting collab and promo requests so he ate all the food given to him by his followers until he got fat to see who his real friends were. Tada! Big Buddha.

We stopped for lunch at Khao Soi Punawan (no English menus and only locals eat here), famous for the famous Northern Thai dish, Khao Soi. It’s delicious. Think coconut curry meats ramen, add chicken, pickled greens, shallots, egg noodles, crispy egg noodles, and a hint of lime. I had two bowls. They’re $2 a bowl. If I didn’t have Muay Thai training at 4pm, I would have had a third. I also may or may not have had dessert. Ok I had dessert. A coconut milk slushee with handmade gummy worms at the bottom. 7-eleven slushees go fuck yourself (it’s funny because they LOVE 7-eleven here), sour gummy worms can stay but these gummies were better.

This is important: I was Pohn’s first tourist interaction in over 2 years. He said him and his wife jumped for joy when I called. They have a child. He also used to have an elephant that passed away. Crying yet? I asked how they made ends meet, and he said they started to grow their own farm and bought a couple chickens and were able to survive. If I learned anything today from the monks or Pohn, it’s gratitude. If you want to get deeper, pull up for a cry sesh when I’m back home.Read more