Thailand

Day 1: In Leonardo DiCaprio’s famous words from Wolf of Wall Street, “I’m not fuckin leaving!” This place is paradise in more ways than just what you see on Instagram. It’s literally Day 1 of 30 and I’m already thinking this place shits on Hawaii. The water is perfectly calm and emerald greenish blue, and I’m not even to the pretty part of the trip yet. Why don’t we go to Thailand all the fucking time?? Oh ya, it’s 20+ hours away. It’s also moist 24 hours a day. Yeah, I said it, MOIST. I’m writing this as I’m watching an apocalyptic amount of water pour from the sky when just this morning I was planning on renting a jet ski since the ocean water is literally glass. In about an hour it’ll be perfect weather again as I make my way 30 minutes south to eat at the Blue Elephant, where I am an honorary guest of the owner’s (we’ll get to that).

So, day 1. Food tour. Phuket Old Town Food Tour booked on TripAdvisor. Starts at 10am in front of the Central Market. I rent a motorbike (125cc scooter that rips, beep beep) for $9/day from some sketchy looking dude with tats that gives me a 2 minute demo and hands me the keys. Not my first rodeo so I zip down to Old Town in about 30min (it really does rip) and get there at 9:59am… no one’s waiting for me. I hit up the tour guide’s (Pema) number and she answers like when I answer a phone call hungover. Pema panics and races over 30min late because she had too much cannabis tea the night before.

Pema is of Baba decent, which is a mix of Malaysian and Chinese. She’s 48 years old and looks not a day older than 35. She’s about 5 feet tall and is a pure ball of joy. She immediately gives me a hug and the groping begins, she’s very friendly. If you guys are as naive as I am, you think everyone here is Thai, which is far from the case. Phuket specifically has a mix of Thai, Asian, Indian, and Middle Eastern people, among others. If you also think of “Thai food” as Pad Thai, Pad See Ew, etc then you are equally right and wrong. I would just classify this food as “Asian” food but that would probably make everyone here upset. Our food tour did not have any “traditional Thai” dishes as the Western world may know it. Every dish was completely knew to me for the most part. “Nick, stfu and tell us what you ate.” - anyone reading this.

Stop 1: a series of appetizers at a small restaurant across from the market with tiny little chairs and tables (everyone is small, I’m an ogre and people aren’t afraid to look at me like one). Pema has to give me two chairs although I’ve got a small ass. That’s how small this place is. Here’s what we ate:
- Giamgoey: Baba Chinese rice pudding with dried shrimp and red chili sauce
- PaoLang: Baba grilled sticky rice in banana leaf wrapped with sweet coconut & shrimp filling
- Ming Kham: variety of herbs in sweet betel leaf wrap
- Nan Bread: Myanmar bread NOT Indian (whoops)
- Vegan Samosa
- Chickpea Paste
- Lamb Curry (again, not Indian, more oily. I prefer Indian, but it was still fire)
- Tea Leaf Salad
- Myanmar Milk Tea (tastes like Thai ice tea. Pema wasn’t thrilled with that response)

Stop 2: dessert (already? I know. Pema’s a little cray but there’s a method to her madness) at a small stand run by a family that seemed to keep coming and coming from inside their shop. Snip snip my dude.
- Bualoy Nam Khing: small sticky rice balls in coconut milk and with sweetened poached egg and a 2nd dish with big sticky rice balls with black sesame filling in sweet ginger soup. This was FIRE. Think of boba and giant stuffed boba in sweet coconut ginger soup.

Just had to take a break from blogging to explode the mosquito feasting on my ankle. I got him, but he got me first. The itch from these fuckers is next level. Anyways…

Stop 3: Blue Elephant. THE restaurant in town run by a Belgian dude and home for the rich and famous that stop by. They also run a prestigious cooking school so guess what I’m doing tomorrow… I don’t know who’s more stoked, me, or them after finding out I’m a culinary wizard hailing from San Diego with several Michelin restaurants and a TV show. I’m also eating there tonight :)
- Butterfly pea tea (the color is a vibrant blue made from the butterfly pea flower. We use them in the states as an edible flower for presentation) and Bael Fruit Tea (apparently it’s an anti-boner fruit. No comment): both fire and refreshing. We didn’t eat here because “it’s royal thai cuisine” and Pema likes to support the less wealthy local family businesses.

Stop 4: another local family owned restaurant that’s been around for decades. The owner is grumpy af because he thinks everyone’s out to steal his secret recipes. He’s not wrong.
- Dried egg noodle with homemade wonton, grilled pork, fish sausage, fish “meatball” and all the sauces and fixings. This is the stuff I’m more familiar with. Yum.
- Flattened noodles with red been curd and vinegar sauce, fried prawn, and squid. Here’s where shit gets weird. It also had congealed pig’s blood. Now I’m a trooper but this was tough. The dish was tasty don’t get me wrong but it’s a total mind fuck.

Stop 5: the place had multiple food stands run by different families and each their own speciality.
- fresh hokkian spring roll (made by a dude that was 6’4” 250lbs and looked like he ate his tiny family. Pema informed me he was training for a body building competition and took “some help.” I asked where he got some to make sure we stay clear of it obviously). These are not your traditional spring rolls we know back home, they have a crepe type of paper vs. rice paper and the fillings are all unique (dried shrimp and fried pork skin)
- pork satay with massaman curry sauce: FIRE FIRE FIRE. I made my mans right down the recipe and promised I wouldn’t sell it. I lied.

Stop 6: another dessert from a street stand belonging to Pema’s college friend and her brother. I thought they were husband and wife, whoops again. She also was not very happy thinking we were out to steal her secret recipe. “There’s a giant white man, stfu don’t say a word about what’s in it.” - everyone.
- Baba banana jelly icing: think of shaved ice with fruit jell-o and finger bananas (yes tiny little cute nanners the size of my fingers…I have big hands I swear)

Stop 7: small Arabic restaurant that’s also pretty popular and famous. Famous for their beef soup.
- Muslim Beef soup: I thought this was Pho, but it’s better, way better. I asked how they made it and I’m sure you can guess what the response was.
- Pandan crispi roti: dessert nachos with condensed milk frosting
- “iced coffee” from a man that loves flexing on people with his “bartending” skills when he mixes the coffee. Don’t bring your gf here, she won’t be yours when he’s done.

Pema was great. She LOVES to talk but in the best way, educating you every step of the way not only about food but about literally everything we walked by. She knows everyone and everyone (mostly everyone) was happy to see us. I realized at the end of the tour that we must have said hi to about an additional 20 people we didn’t get food from and then realized later that Pema was just using me as arm candy to show off to her friends. Her words not mine.Read more