Goodbye Australia and hello AU

Today I got to thinking, what would this great land of ours look like if we were no longer Australia but we became the AU (Australian Union) as in the dot bit at the end of com.

I hear the collective jaws dropping from here. How very dare you imply this great nation of ours should be divided into small self run countries, how Unaustralian of you!!! My grandfather fought in the war for Australia.... but we just won all those medals in the green and gold ... but I have a holiday booked to Port Douglas do I now need a visa? That is simply unthinkable. But is it really?

It has been 18 months since COVID flew onto our shores. The threat was real and as Australians we did what our armed forces have done for generations, we signed up from our lounge rooms to protect our country. We watched concerts online, learned how to click and collect, washed our hands for 20 seconds to the tune of happy birthday to me, had virtual catch ups, wore masks and socially distanced ourselves under the “we’re all in this together” flag.

It was not long though before the silk started to fray in the flag. While some of us were still fighting the war, others were raising a toast to its end, signalling that perhaps we may have witnessed the battles but only from our own backyard and not that of our neighbours. Those of us still on the frontline were given hope by our northern neighbours as their social media pages lit up with photos of beers overlooking the ocean #freedom. But hope doesn’t last long before it turns to despair. We asked our Premier when can we get on the beers? Not yet. That wasn’t to come for quite some time.

What didn’t take long to appear, was politics. State Premiers rose to prominence like new celebrities, while federal ones disappeared. We tuned in every day to see what they had to tell us. What are the numbers today, what are other states saying about us and where can we, and more often that not, where can’t we go. Borders didn’t just softly close, they slammed shut. We were locked out of our own country and the interstate political scene became one of the most watched dramas of year. It continues to be very popular to this day. If there was ever any uncertainty around how independent our states are, by now we should be convinced.

So considering this, I would like to take a curious look at what we may look like, if Australia was the continent and the states were countries, like it is In Europe. Ladies, gentlemen and others, let me introduce to you the AU.

Bonjour from Victorious. A mighty state whose President Dan Macron was down but not out, following a catastrophic fall in Sorrento over the summer. A country rising like a Phoenix from the ashes, Victorious is proud to once again offer our AU neighbours some of the best restaurants, bars, distilleries, art, sport and culture in our capital city of Melbonne.

Hola from Queenslandenola. The AU’s favourite country to warm up and play in the sun. For those looking for a bit of chic head to Brisbalona where you can ride a high speed boat up and down the river while still magically maintaining a full face of make up and immaculate hair style. Or for those with 2 years of pent up energy and a birth date after the 2000’s, your answer lies in the Ibiza of the Southern Hemisphere, the Costa Golden. Just remember no vaccine no party.

Hallo from Neu Sud Vales. After trusting it’s citizens to do the right thing a bit too much, President Gladys Merkel has resigned herself to the fact that no amount of trying to keep business running was going to stop a pesky little virus. At the time of writing the rest of the AU was busy trying to work out how to solve a problem like this. It’s the economic powerhouse of the AU and they have long taken the lions share of the overseas enemy but what now? Current travel advice for Neu Sud Vales, cancel your trip to Byron.

The People’s Republic of Western Australia does not welcome you, unless of course you are there already or own a mine. President Mark Jinping says there is “nothing to see here” and the rest of the AU agrees.

Love and Peace from Tastopia. We grow yummy apples, spuds and have lots of nice national parks. We welcome everyone whenever you can get here. Sometimes the rest of the AU forgets about us but that’s ok, we know everyone still loves Tastopia. President Joseph Chromy welcomes you all to our beautiful piece of paradise. Pack a parker, even in summer.

Come visit Frontierland, the natural Disney country where we encourage “go big or go home”. With almost no population and a giant land mass, you can drive literally all day and not see another human. Unless of course it’s July. Then you can’t move for international tourists from other AU countries. With big barra, giant crocs and the world’s biggest rock, head to Frontierland and get your fix of bigness.

Tally Ho from Adelho. The only AU country to claim that they were not built on the back of convicts. For a little country Adelho packs a mighty punch, particularly in its COVID responses. Marshalling his country Stevo from Adelho works on the theory that if you make it tough then only the good ones get in. It’s natural selection. I mean there simply isn’t enough Verdehello in Adelho to go round. Carry on chaps. We’re all ok.

And finally, why not visit the former capital of Australia. Candorra. A man made land locked country to the west of Neu Sud Vales. With more ex politicians per head than any other country Candoora is trying to negotiate to move its borders a bit further south but in a twist of bad karma, now that we no longer have to listen to anyone from Candoora, that is precisely where the negotiations have landed.

Aside from the fact that we have learned a lot about politics, epidemiology, rules and vaccines, the future is still bright and with the NZ bubble just waiting to really kick off, maybe the ANZAC spirit isn’t gone forever. Perhaps like most things, it is now starting to look a bit different.

I can’t wait for the day when we can all go about our lives as we want to again, and I think we can all agree that the true #freedom is when we can once again forget that borders exist and we are again Australian.Read more