Deep thoughts, and heavy decisions

For a large part of this trail I have been accompanied by loneliness. On top of this comes the pain at night in my arthritic hip and knee. Sometimes these two are unbearable and all the incredible nature I am walking through is not able to compensate this.

These last days I have been listening to an audio book "the untethered spirit" by Alan Singer about that voice in our heads that is incessantly commenting our environment, our actions and our thoughts while giving advice on everything!
It's our ego!
This incessant stream of comments blocks our real feelings and intuition.
The book suggests first of all becoming aware of this voice, and then trying to silence it, to hear our real inner voice.

For weeks I have been very lonely on this trail. My real inner voice has been wanting a holiday. Not just a break, but a return to Europe, a deep longing to touch and be touched, to see my loved ones, my bed, healthy food.

Today, I lay down on the path for hours to feel inside me.
And I made a decision.
I am going to end my hike, here and now, descend to the next town, see if I can visit my friend Lorna in Connecticut and then return to Germany.
I will return another time to hike this incredible trail that has given me so much.

It is that non-stop chattering voice that has been preventing me from hearing this inner feeling for days now.
Comments like:
- "You announced this huge undertaking with fanfares and drums, you can't stop now, what will they think!",
- "You will never be able to look yourself in the mirror again if you stop!"
- "Get yourself together and stop letting your feelings interfere with this experience of a lifetime"
Etc, etc, etc!
Its that tough, demanding, performance oriented Michael talking.
Its time for the gentle Michael.

This trail has been the hike of my life and beats anything I have ever done.
I have learned sooo much about hiking and about myself.
I hiked 1.200 km through mountainous terrain under incredible heat and water conditions, living in my tent and carrying my food. At the same time I climbed a total of 30.526 m altitude in 50 days.
This "old Toppie" (afrikaans for old man) is tired.

But far more important I learnt to take myself as I am, no longer with the energy and recovery of a 30year old, listening to my body when to stop, being kind to myself, and in particular learning that I do not need to continue just because my inner commentator says I must.
Not being the hero who "completed the whole PCT" has let me understand that I do not need to compare myself to others and the expectations of others, also not with the expectation in myself!
"HIKE YOUR OWN HIKE" they say,

Thank you Pacific Crest Trail, we will see each other again.Read more