Airlie Beach, Proserpine & Bowen, QLD

Airlie Beach: beautiful, manicured, fantastic noodle bar - but far too busy. The go to holiday location if you like jet skis and have 18 children - plus paid parking. The horror. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Proserpine: little regional town that is only on the map as it's the turn off to Airlie. They've even sold their showgrounds to a private owner and closed the gates to the public. Rubbish. Nice golf course that Dick enjoyed having a poop on 💩 😎 that's what we think of you, Prossie!

Bowen: very pretty, coastal, full of crocs. (The reptile, not the ugly shoe) Terrible caravan park. Great Sunday markets, got some cute silver turtle earrings. Risked being eaten by crocs and did some snorkelling at Horseshoe Bay, but despite the beautiful blue water, the visibility was shocking. Something to do with 800 fishermen chucking guts into the water around me as I snorkelled, I suspect. Rude.

Took a quick trip to A&E courtesy of a suspected migraine and some bad salami that tricked the paramedics into thinking I was having a stroke. We had a jolly 10min blue light ambo ride, gaily singing nursery rhymes with the paramedics, waving my arms above my head and having to grin insanely every 2 minutes to prove this was not the case. And a glorious rendition of 'Over The Rainbow' it was too, harmonies and all. CT scan was clear, bloods must have been clear as they didn't call - had a massive spew within the hour and immediately felt better. I shall never be able to look salami in the eye again, without dry heaving.

I did have an eye test recently, I'm far sighted so I struggle to focus when I look up from a screen or a book. They suggested a minor prescription and I'd waved it off, thinking I'd be fine. Rang them today and parted with $680. I can't see me wearing them much, but I don't want another migraine, I thought I was dying!

This getting old malarkey is rubbish!Läs mer