Post-vasectomy trauma

Anyone who tells you a vasectomy is a quick and pain free operation is a goddarn liar... or forgetful. It's three days on and my testicles are still retracted due to the rapidly defrosting peas encasing them. I still feel like my nuts are held in a vice-like grip, and someone is saying: "now tell me the code or else! This here pressure: this is only 20%".

Today I dared to look at "my precious" for the first time and there was an enormous purple patch. Mind you, not at the end where it is supposed to be purple, but near the base extending half-way up my disheveled shaft. Is this frostbite from having ice-blocks held on my groin perhaps? 

12pm I hit the sack. But there's a certain decorum that needs to be followed through with. First I brush my teeth. Then I take a supposed antiinflammatory suppository and stick it up my fourth eye using my left hand up till the knuckle. At first I was more tentative in my insertion, but it kept backing out. You know when you're on the edge of a precipice and someone is firmly pushing you... perhaps that's how the suppository feels. It definitely drags back- in a very visceral and feltsense, traumatic memories of mum callously shoving suppositories twice the girth of this one up my nought when I was less than half the height I am today. Maybe that's the only reason I'm not gay? Thanks, Mum, you ruined my chances at being cool and creative with an awesome dress-sense!

3:30am. I've woken up. The pain is pretty intense. A 5 or 6 I would say. I fear my balls have swollen to the size of Porkie's in the pen next door. I peek. They look normal to me. Shereen thinks they look bigger than normal. I barely make it to the bog and vacate my bowels, feeling better for the strain. I embark on a bold plan. To instaneously wean myself off ice-packs. I'm talking warm-turkey, man! Shereen thinks I should follow the instructions on the pamphlet with which we were provided. I'm torn and feel to follow through with my plan of action- allowing the warmer temperature to heal the injury quicker. I consult with the Oracle; Gemini. "Typically, ice packs are used for the first 24 to 48 hours after a vasectomy to help reduce swelling and discomfort. After that, you can stop using ice packs, as the initial swelling usually begins to subside within this timeframe." That's definitely at odds to the pamphlet that says:" ice-packs 24/7 for 7 days". Isn't the 7 days implicit in the 24/7?

Thursday 6.50am. My breathing I notice is in short, crisp bursts. Altitude? Or dealing with pain that yet haunts me. Given that my scrotum is now nearly double the size after only a few hours off ice, I'm going with the latter. 

10.30am Shereen is exasperated. She wants me to follow the instructions, but knows that is difficult for me to do. So as a compromise I've got a bag-o-corn pressed up against the outside of my underwear. Pain staying a constant 4. I've also discovered a bloody pool on my scrotular sac.

I've made an appointment with the clinic for tomorrow... will I survive?Read more