Camino Frances 2024

I’ve put off writing my last entry because I was still processing the end of this incredible journey. I am sitting on a 10 hour flight from London to Seattle so I figured this is a perfect time to gather my thoughts around it all.
The first day set the tone of what the next 31 days would hold, no doubt about that. Reconnecting with Louise, 6 years after meeting her around the same table, in the same chairs, at the same albergue, with no plan to do so, was mind blowing all on its own. But the message she received from God to pass along to me is something that I was left to ponder for the rest of my Camino.
In case you missed my first entry, what she told me the next morning shook me to the core. After waking up 4 times during the night, and asking Him what she was to do with this meeting between us, she said that God told her to “Just tell her that I love her.” She didn’t know if I was a believer. She didn’t know how I’d react. She had fears of telling me this message, but, thankfully she did. We cried together that morning and when my feet hit the ground for my first steps on this Camino that morning I felt so much confidence, believing I was truly loved. I was so happy. I gave myself permission to be kind to myself and love myself, because if God could love me, then I should definitely be able to love me, right? I’ll post a photo Holly took of us around the table and Louise is holding up her phone with the photo she had taken 6 years ago with both of us in it. God is such a good planner, isn’t He? The feeling of pure love I was left with is hard to put words to, but if you have children, that’s the closest I can get to compare it to. That kind of love. Deep, sweet, full, overwhelming and totally unconditional.
I felt unconditionally loved by my Father. Not an earthly father who is naturally flawed, but one who I’d never lose to death. A never ending love. A living love. Do you know how good that feels? I know, I know, this must be completely difficult to understand. I’m trying to articulate it. We all know Jesus loves us, it’s probably the first Sunday School song most of us learned to sing if we went to church. But, believing it is a whole different thing. Here I am, 53 years old, and I have never put this all together. I’ve depended on earthly love and many times, that has left me empty and heartbroken. I put faith in men and friends who are human and imperfect. Not even the best of us on this earth are capable of never hurting someone, whether intentionally or not. Yes, I have an amazingly loving husband, but it’s a lot of pressure to expect perfection from him, or anyone in my life for that matter. It’s unrealistic. It’s unfair. Everyone deserves more grace.
I’m getting a little off track so I will come back around to my point, if there is one. I feel this journey has shown me, like that old country song..I was lookin’ for love in all the wrong places. I’m grateful for the love I have here on earth, I am so blessed actually, but THIS love is unwavering. It’s a constant that will never stop and never disappoint. Why didn’t I see this? I know it has always been there. I’ve always loved my Father and His Son. I am a Christian. I have worshipped, prayed, praised, and asked for forgiveness time and time again. Yet, oddly, I didn’t realize how much He loved me. Did I not feel deserving? That’s what it was. I haven’t been perfect and neither have you or anyone, but we are loved by God no matter what. Yes, no matter what. I’ve fallen , I’ve risen, I’ve fallen again, and risen again. I always rise again. Stronger, and more educated, but damn that’s hard to do.
It’s life.
The phrase ‘live and learn’ is thrown around loosely, but there’s a lot of truth to it. You don’t know what you don’t know. I think the cyclical shit can be broken though. It must. I’ve come to realize that I am truly loved by God. I don’t need to hide from Him because of my missteps, He knows, and knew of this ‘Camino’ of life before I even did. Maybe it was all part of His plan to bring me closer to Him. You think?
This trip hit me so much deeper than any other. It has been a journey of the heart and soul that I’ve had to patiently let unfold. I’m not patient. Anyone who knows me knows this!Honestly, there were moments and even days on this pilgrimage where I questioned why I was doing it, AGAIN. Felt no progress, felt no unfolding happening, felt I needed more alone time, felt I was here on a vacation rather than a spiritual journey. I had anxiety about it, I was disappointed at times and irritated by it. Towards the end Holly and I had a meaningful conversation that left us both feeling so cleansed. As she said, ‘It was like a menthol feeling in your chest, a purge.’ It was something we both needed. The details aren’t important to anyone but us, but what I can say is that it was clearly another message from God, showing me, once again, how much he loves me. He took it all. Sucked it right out of me and left me cleansed. It has changed me, and that’s really exciting and inspiring. It can now change the lives of those around me as well. How cool is that? I did a Facebook reel at the end of the Camino the other day and my caption said ‘So Blessed, so grateful, and so Done.’ I meant that. It wasn’t a flippant statement. I AM so blessed. I AM so grateful and I am SO done with so many things that keep me from reaching my full potential (and I’m done with Camino’s, for reals this time!!). I got what I truly needed. There’s nothing greater than the love of God. How could I possibly go back for more? I’ve got it. I freaking got it. I got the clarity. I’m a slow learner, I guess.
This Camino was, once again, full of amazing people from all over the world, exchanges of smiles and ‘Buen Caminos’ all along the 500 miles of trail. I shared snippets of my life, listened to others, enjoyed many communal meals and uncorked more beautiful wines than I’ll ever admit to. But, that’s the icing stuff. While appreciated, enjoyed, and welcomed, which got me through some really challenging days, it wasn’t the meat for me. In life off the trail I am not driven by acceptance or being liked. I am very comfortable being alone, with my little family, or with my small circle of friends. I don’t need to be included in everything. And honestly, there have been times I’m relieved when I am not. I do want people to feel like I care about them though. Because, I truly do. If I talk to you, it means you have something I admire or something I want to manifest in my life. In other words, you have good vibes, a good heart, and I trust you. I want substance and I want to share substance. I’m terrible at small talk, so I’m sure I’m often misunderstood when I appear to have nothing to add to these conversations. I don’t talk just to talk and fill silence. I love silence. Silence is where so much is revealed, and so much is healed. It’s ok with me. In fact, everything is really ok with me and I can’t wait to share the love I feel with my family and friends who add so much love, color, and comfort to my life ❤️🙏🏻🥳Read more