Study Abroad

It was four years ago today that I arrived in Germany. Although I looked OK on the outside- inside I felt scared, hurt, and a bit excited. I was also full of regret and an incomprehensible amount of sorrow. Just two days prior I had been speaking to my son's father about life goals and our dreams. He had been trying to convince me to go on vacation with him. He promised he would be the one to help fulfill my dream of traveling internationally. And then there I stood two days later on foreign soil in a country whose language I didn't speak after an absurd plane ride. I had no knowledge of how to deal with customs or how to ask where the bathroom was. The only things I knew was that I had to find the USO and that they were going to bring me to the man I had spent most of my life to that point loving to watch him die. And above all else, I knew that although I wanted to cry and throw myself on the floor I had to hold it together. The pressure squeezing my hand coming from my hazel eyed five year old was a constant reminder. I had to be calm and I had to show things were OK. He was watching my every move and there would be time later to fall apart. The days following changed my life forever. They changed me forever.

I couldn't think of a better way to remember the dead or show I'm alive than starting another adventure here. Today, four years later I find myself back in Germany this time filled with happiness and determination. I wanted to start here so I could give myself another chance to see this beautiful country in better times under better circumstances. I'm here to remember the past, to appreciate that last promise that came true, even if it didn't come the way I wanted. I'm also here to move into the future, so today I am starting a new adventure. Every time I see a rainbow I feel him looking down on me but I also remember you can't have the rainbows without the rain. It may rain often and hard but it only serves to let one appreciate the sun more than ever.Lue lisää