Konrad der Kaktus

My first weekend in Germany! I can't believe it hasn't even been a week yet. This time last week, I was in Rotterdam. How much longer ago it actually feels.

I was out late last night (the Altstadt is amazing), so slept in till about ten. When I finally rose, I was forced in to doing my laundry. What, with being completely out of socks, there was nothing else I could do. So that took about an hour, and I'm pretty sure I've shrank everything. I daren't yet find out, though.

There are lots of other important things I need I to sort out; a bank account, for example. I must also register my address, get a national insurance number, et cetera. The list is quite long. But today I went out in search of a cactus. Priorities, you see.

So where exactly does a man find a cactus in Düsseldorf? I had a quick search on google, and found a few garden centres scattered about the city. The nearest one to me was a mile or two south from Bilk. I committed the route to memory and set off.

I shouldn't have done that. I really need to get myself a map or something Because Düsseldorf isn't like other cities. It is incredibly easy to get lost here. Overshoot a street, or undershoot it, and you are done for. Take a wrong turn, forget it. Once lost, you are lost.

So I was wandering round trying to find this garden centre, but getting no where. Eventually I had to admit it, I was lost. I came across this pub with a few people sat outside. And because I was lost, because walking in the heat was making me a bit sticky, I headed inside for a beer and to inquire about directions.

The woman behind the bar was busy carving up a pie of some sort. But, upon seeing me enter, she stopped what she was doing and asked what I wanted.

'Ein Bier, bitte,' I said, 'und wo kann ich eine Kaktus kaufen?'

I came across a bit strange, I'm sure.

'Ein Kaktus?'

'Ja.'

'Ein Kaktus?'

'Ja, ein Kaktus.'

She had a think for a little while and then was all like, 'Links, rechts, links, rechts.' Left, right, left, right, she was saying, like a German Hokey Cokey. I was never going to remember it all, but at least I knew which vague direction to head in. I drank the beer (the beer here in Dusseldorf -- Altbier -- is a dark brown, with a huge head. Quite nice). I cooled down a bit, and headed back out in to the heat.

After another 20 minutes of wandering, I found the garden centre. It was heaving. I made my way through the crowd at the marigolds and located the Cacti. Immediately, a big one jumped out at me, but at 89 Euros he had another thing coming if he thought I was going to pay that much for him. There was a little, unassuming one in front of this big show-off. And he was on sale for 1.50. I'll have him, I thought. I found him a friend and took them both over to the till. I was three Euros lighter, but I now had two cacti.

Konrad, I'm going to call him. Konrad der Kaktus. His friend is a little weird looking, so I'm calling him Weird Willy. Willy as in Willy Brandt - although he does happen to be a bit willy shaped too.

Konrad was parched, the poor thing. I gave him and Weird Willy a bit of water, then set them down on their shelf. Welcome to your new home boys. Should anyone so much as lay a finger on you, they will first feel a sharp prick and then have my wrath to deal with. A big responsibility, but I promise to water you both one or perhaps twice a year. You're in safe hands.Читать далее