Paula Frühauf

Trigger alarm, lots of rambling😂🙈

Happy New Year everyone!

Finally the day has come, I'm gonna leave Raglan tomorrow. Not that it hasn't been nice, I've just been telling myself that I'm gonna leave in a week since the first week I got here. So much about changing my habits...

My drawer and table are actually finished and I'm so happy about them, all the work was definitely worth it. I'm gonna send some pictures of that later.
The only thing that's really missing now are the curtains. Planning how to install them has been focking tricky because I don't have a Van with metal on the sides, hence I can't just drill some screws in it. Or maybe I could but I don't really want to😂. Anyways I'm pretty sure I've got a good idea now, gonna try that tomorrow before I leave.
Next long term destination: Wellington.

The last couple of weeks have been quite emotional for me. First of all my dog got put down a few days before Christmas which hit me hard. Don't know how many people will understand that but she was like my annoying little sister that I just loved on end! It's kind of weird how most dogs don't even remind me of her because I know every little detail of how she walked, growled, played around, barked. Everything is still so present and in my mind she's still playing around at home even if I know she's dead. Death's crazy, such a bitch.

Chrsitmas Eve I had an amazing late night swim in warm water full of sea lights and a sky full of stars and a fun call with my parents on Christmas morning. Then, just a bit later, the next drama began, as I went outside and saw this little baby sparrow on the ground. It fell out of the nest that stupidly sat in the side of a hole directly through the roof. Only a few neighbors were home so I ran around like crazy trying to find a ladder to put it back up. Put the container with paper underneath it just in case and well, that wasn't the worst idea. After spending the rest of the day with Sue's family and Boxing Day with Wade and Shannon at Wade's family (who were so fucking chill and lovely btw) I found all two of the chicks, that seemed to have been in the nest, sat in that box crying for their parents.
Sooo I took them in for the night and started worrying like a mother hen because there is sooooo much you can do wrong. Feeding but not too much and the right thing, the right temperature, cleaning them up and so on. Fucking stressed me out. But in the end it distracted me in my mourning for my dog so it was kinda good.
Next morning I got up at 6 a clock (imagine that!), they were still well but it got clear that I shouldn't and couldn't keep them so I put them back up in a bird house and lead the mother back to their chicks with sparrows sounds from my phone. Worked wonderfully and I actually thought that was that.

It reminded me of my long time wish to work with birds and to learn how to care for them. That's why I applied for volunteer work in bird rehabilitation centers all over North Island and got into the one in Wellington. It's the south end of North Island and I've always wanted to go there, heard a lot about the music scene down there. Am pretty exited to go there. Don't know where im gonna live but I'll see, Craig, the guy from the bird rehabilition trust offered to help me with finding somewhere I can work for accommodation and food for I'll probably won't be paid for working at the trust.

A day before New Years Wado's been in a heavy car crash. I think that guy has had more bad luck and good luck only concerning car crashs than other people have in their whole lifes. He isn't insured siriously, just a bit bruised with a massive shock and a whiplash, luckily only that😥.

New Years was also different then I expected, not only did I want to party but the club was full already, also the bird drama continued. After watching the fireworks from the harbour with Shannon and Wade I went home again, and what happend? Fucking Luna (the cat) jumping in the House WITH MY FUCKING BIRDS IN HER FANGS!!! One was only choking a few more times and died, the other hopped to the sofa while I was trying to drag that beast out of the house (I know it's nature, of course I do, but it was still so unnecessary!). By the time I finally threw her out, the other bird had vanished and I looked in every corner, under every sofa in every room it could have gone and even outside for nearly two hours but it seemed pretty hopeless. And no kidding, I thought I'd look under the main couch one more time before I give up and there it was. Sitting in the furthest corner. And there I was with the bird again.
Next morning it wouldnt feed though and so I spend an hour to make the place where the bird house stood cat proof. But OF COURSE as I went to get the bird out of my car it hopped out of the box and I think under one of the cabins that are near and that was pretty much it. Tried for a few more hours to get it out or think of anything I could do but as wade told me over and over again there's only so much I could do and so I left it to die. Fuck I have huge problems letting go. Don't know why though, I know it's nature and I know there are probably hundreds of them dying everyday but still...

That's one of those things that has been going through my head over the last few weeks. These concepts of rational and emotional. It's so weird how you can think about things, realize something but it will probably still be to no use to you. As long as you don't 'realize' it emotionally. Like I know it doesn't make a difference but it still feels wrong to leave the bird. Or how I know my dog is dead, I know that! But it doesn't fully reach me on an emotional level, it doesn't FEEL like it. And that's how it is with a lot of things you can realize through thinking or at least its like that for me. I realize consequences, probabilities and what's likely to happen in the future. But in the end things have to really HAPPEN in order for your findings to become real on the only level that can really matter to yourself, the emotional one. Although we try to seek for the laws in and around us, try to rationalize what we see and even what we feel in order to gain some control of what is happening, the way more important part for ourself, our beeing, will always be our feelings.
We can be in love even though we are sure it's not mutual, because the rational realization can't overpower the feelings as long as there is only a bit of hope.
We humans KNOW that we are (at least according to scince) only some kind of bio chemical machines and still we cant fully process that because it FEELS different. In this case the 'sense of I', which I would actullay kind of label as one of the main emotions/ THE main emotion, naturally defines our feeling of ourself way more than a thought, a finding, a truth could ever be able to.
Also we know how big our world is let alone the universe and still it doesn't feel like it, does it. Living in your own bubble your own town, maybe traveling a bit you still can't get a feeling of how big this is that surrounds us. We would maybe have to see the world from a spaceship and still wouldn't be able to comprehend it. Because knowing and feeling are two, very seperate things. All of this rambling just for this little statement. But yeah sometimes I just need to get all that stuff out of my head to get it clearer and realize myself what exactly it is I'm thinking. So yeah, if you stuck with me till here, thanks😅😂.

Oh yeah i just remembered I also tried to save a lost kitten somewhere in a forest but it ran away and I just don't seem to have any luck in helping animals. That has a lot of history actually🙄😢.

I'm getting a bit cold now, just got out of the water and I'm sitting in my car in the car park near the beach, and I guess all of this is enough for a few weeks anyways😂 Felt good to get that out though.

I'm exited to finally go travel in my car, feel the freedom a bit.

So long...Read more