Vain Vain Go Away Pt. 1

Having spent 4 weeks in Brazil in Feb/March this year, June marked the return - but this time for a holiday, and Rose’s first trip of doom to South America.

Something I had already observed in my earlier 4 week stint is how easy everything is to navigate these days. I guess I’m pretty experienced (aka old) at travelling now, but I do remember my first backpacking stint round Cuba 13 years ago?!! where I think I was able to send one email in the seven weeks I was away. Also, on that trip where I was not really knowing what I was getting in to, my travel companion basically said travelling was like a fun computer game where you just have to navigate yourself from A to B and there are all these obstacles and people and challenges on the way which make it part of the fun.

The same does still apply but technology and the world we live in now is certainly different. So yes, going back to my earlier trip, the one HUGE benefit of Brazil is Uber. Sooooo cheap in relation to the UK where an hours ride would cost you about £8. Everything else does happen to be about the same price but being able to press a button and have you delivered door to door, bypassing all the dodgy areas and 4 bus connections (or being dicked on the meter by some twat) is certainly very handy and a great means of seeing the cities when you are short of time. Technology also comes with its shortfalls though and more on that later...

So we arrived into Rio, bought probably the worst (Ebola flavour) crisps I’ve ever eaten in my life, bypassing the previous Ruffles Foot Cheese flavour and went to bed, only to be woken up with Rose full of beans wanting to go for a run?!! along Ipanema beach first thing then smashing out El Christo which we were lucky to see (amongst the hordes of selfie obsessives) in clear weather just before the clouds came in and the weather basically turned to shit for the next few days.

We visited Lapa steps but basically got flooded out of that so had to retreat to a cafe which messed up Roses plans to eat nice food, then walked through Lapa which felt a bit dodgy as everyone except the homeless had also decided to retreat indoors so we stuck out like a sore donkey.

Googled best things to do indoors and went to some amazing old art deco coffee hall place and mega library place of doom which was cool as something not seen before. Rose's food plans were then scuppered again with shite pasta before going back to the hotel to try and check in for our pre booked flights to Salvador in a couple of days time, only to find that the airline Avianca had gone completely bankrupt and our flight no longer existed - great stuff.

The following morning was spent getting a cab back to the main airport to speak to someone at a ticket desk, only to be told there was no Avianca staff there and we needed to then go over to the other airport to sort the flights out. Unhelpful twat there then just said we needed to turn up on the morning of the flight and they would try and find us a replacement and they couldn’t book us anything that day cause that would obviously be too efficient.

Good wasted morning there then, but it was still absolutely chucking it down as we then visited accidental Instagram hotspot Park Lage where we hadn’t anticipated the sheer amount of vain girls that would be there, all gathered in the same cafe we were waiting for the weather to clear so they could strip down to their swimsuits and get a picture in front of a pool you weren’t allowed to swim in. Good one.

Anyway, wondered round there for a bit attempted Sugarloaf mountain for sunset but completely failed as we needed to pay the AirBnB host and I forgot how much of an arse Brazilian ATM machines are. Finally had some decent food as Rose booked some Michelin star gaff.

Day 3 and airport guy was actually surprisingly good at sorting us a replacement flight (probably because we had got up early) which got us in only half an hour later than our originally intended one.

Once arrived, it was noticeably warmer as again Ubered from the airport to our hotel (probably the nicest place I’ve ever stayed in - forgiving the masses of water that poured through the wall after death storm) which was a renovated mid century 5 star hotel with Rooftop swimming pool where we took a dip, had some drinks at sunset and relaxed a bit. All very normal holiday things...

In between we visited the old town which has all the colourful buildings which is largely safe to walk round now with such a large police presence, but it was noticeably a bit more dodgy so did have to keep a bit of an eye out and not walk down any small side streets. We went for some lunch at a Afro Brazilian cooking school where all the women wore the traditional dress, but got the sense that they were not treated very well there as they were visibly shaking and nervous and a bit over attentive as if they had to be showing that they were doing something which kind of left a strange feeling when we left.

Death storm then hit... We were able to make some indoor plans that day including epic mega gold church but that whole area and the beaches around it is best enjoyed outdoors and that seemingly would no longer be possible any more.

Not sure if Rose’s mood was greatly pleased with this. Mine was not pleased because at the market some guy roped me in to a Capoiera lesson then charged me a fucking fortune for basically making me spin in a circle 400 times. In my extremely sweaty and deluded state I even bought a DVD when I don’t have a DVD player, and some toy instrument at about 20 times the going rate. Massive fail.

After that we moved over to the Barra district of Salvador where walked along a windy beach in a storm and tried to not get smacked in the face by palm trees. Maybe time to change the holiday itinerary...

So yeh, as the north was due to be crap I did look at flights back down towards Rio but everything was too late and expensive so we went with our original plan of going inland for a bit to see the national park. I was really hoping this location would pay off as it was a 7 hour each way trip to get there and subsequently things were not turning into the relaxing break Rose had hoped for (Sorry I’m just not very good at it!)

Anyway after another morning around Barra where the two of us got fed enough breakfast for ten from our super friendly Italian pousada hosts, we risked the promenade again where the rain did subside for a bit and there were some blue skies for about 3 seconds in amongst the 70mph winds.

Then over to the bus station where was able to claw back some brownie points by getting Brazilian SIM cards so could try and plan more things on the move rather than be locked up in our hotel rooms or faff around when we reached the destination.

The 7 hour ride was a lot smoother than I imagined as we reached the national park base town of Lencois which we couldn’t really see in the dark but it had a much more laid back and tranquil vibe about it (probably cause I had also done no research on Salvador and didn’t realise how stupidly huge it was). Everything in the park apparently needed a guide so we booked on a day trip the following day and then would think about how long to stay there after that.

Most of the next day was me naturally thinking I really don’t need a guide for this. We had some guy called Gustav who spoke reeeeeeaaaalllllyyyyy slooooooowly like he was constantly stoned and we couldn’t tell if he was bored showing us round or if that was just his nature but yeh the walk took us in the baking sun (can’t complain about that now after) through some red coloured water pools that looked pretty cool to an amazing viewpoint overlooking a canyon a 420 meter waterfall.

Now thinking that the rain had been non stop for a few days I presumed the waterfall would be mega however Gustav informed me that it hadn’t rained there for a week so in essence the water was a piddle but the views were still incredible.

There was a overhanging rock you could then slide to the end of and peer off to a sheer drop which even creeping close to the end made me shit myself as there were literally no rocks underneath to break a fall and aside from chucking myself out of a plane it was the scariest thing I had ever done. Not entirely sure how much safety regulations there are in that place!

We hung around for a couple of hours going to different view points, going in the red pools and having some food (thanks for the slappy sandwich Gustav) before having to take the same trail back to the car... a bit of a shame as a loop would have been much more interesting and I kinda wanted to go to the bottom of the waterfall but was told that was another days walk... I’d have just done it without the sodding guide.

Anyway, It was quite a tiring walk by the end of it which wasn’t endearing me to the relaxing holiday Rose had hoped about. We went and swam under another waterfall where I was hoping I could get just a quick single picture by the waterfall but then realised I can’t compete with Brazilians in terms of vanity or even technology! There were two guys that no joke must have taken about 200 pictures in the same position (even when I was sat deliberately in the background they still didn’t divert from the cause), and then they were joined by a large group of people doing the same and a drone for good measure. Trying hard to not be grumpy....

After the ride back to town went out into Lencois which was actually really nice and they had done it out all in flags for a upcoming festival. We still hadn’t really made a plan for the upcoming days so booked the flights back to Rio which would give us a couple more days to explore the national park, without going on some of the much longer treks.

The next day was another tour but this time more one where you visit a lot of the highlights of the park in one day and spend more time driving than hiking. Fortunately we had a much more outgoing guide for this trip and we were also joined by a French girl - Lolita and a Brazilian guy - who I’m not really sure what I was called but I did overhear Scott?!

We saw loads of cool things which I’ll probably upload a load of photos of when I get a remote second of spare time in London, but the main focus of the tour/rant I shall focus on Scott.

Let me first just start with saying yes I have taken thousands of photos in my life as I want it as a memory of being there, yes I’ve taken quite a lot of me in front of things, and yes I’ve bemoaned the fact that most people are shite at taking a decent photo but it seems Instagram has royally fucked everything right open and old Scotty boy here is the epitome of everything that is bad about it.

So in a small group of people on quite a tight schedule, you would expect any photo stops to be quite brief but Scott would stop about every ten metres, take a picture of it, take at LEAST ten selfies and then ask the guide to take another ten, look at them, walk back over, get him to take some more and then just throw in a few extra selfies for good measure, and that’s not even exaggerating. At the first mornings swimming pool and waterfall site he must’ve taken about 500 photos and completely disregarded anything that the guide actually had to say about where we were. I mean, the guy was pretty chubby and just your average Scott really but that didn’t stop the relentless model shoots at each mirador.

Therein lies the big problem - that people are so obsessed with having this perfect photograph that they lose consciousness of the surroundings around them... and this is beyond the being in the moment argument which I can be guilty of, but actually it’s just being rude and ignorant of the other people around you (Waiting around half an hour so he could finish his shots in each place). Essentially with this social media obsession, not only have people lost the ability to socialise but people have actually lost their manners and I don’t even care if I sound like an old man!

Take for example the guys reluctance to learn anything about where he was, couple it with the fact he wouldn’t get in the water at any of the places we went - just took pictures of him at it, and add this to a new found thing that pisses me off of people BARGING each other to get a shot or shoving a phone right in front of you rather than just waiting a couple of extra moments rather than being a twat.

Aaaaaanyway, we went to some canyons, swimming holes and unlit caves (great idea taking selfies in there you bellend) we stopped off for some lunch at a place where in amidst looking at his mornings work, I noticed his screen wallpaper was just a zoomed in picture of his face, and then his background wallpaper was another enlarged zoomed picture of his face (oh yeh, he doesn’t smile either), and then on his WhatsApp chats every background imagine is another zoomed in imagine oh his massive conk - Jesus Christ!

The worst thing is I think there is actually a nice person somewhere in Scott but it is my worst first hand experience about technology ruining the modern world (in amongst many other things of course).

Not quite finished yet.... the end of the tour we went up to the top of a mountain for sunset where I patiently waited in line for my photographs but had to wait whilst a group of girls stripped off down to bikinis, combed there hair back and posed like they’d just just had something abruptly prodded in their arse... for about 20 minutes. We asked the tour guide actually what he thought about how tourism has changed and now all anyone wants is a picture and he just laughed it off and said it is what it is. Which unfortunately yes, I think it is!Read more