dos meses en México

This is a short excerpt of my mental diary. It’s kinda personal but I feel like today is the day to share some thoughts and “hugs”: I don’t know if you have noticed how beautiful life is but I honestly JUST experienced it. I came home after a really nice day, we went to a thrift shop after hiking but that’s more of an amazing side note, but anyways. It was raining, it was cold, all my things are at the laundry place so I don’t have anything to wear and then I got a new, freshly washed towel, the electricity was off but the hot shower runs with gas from 8am to 8pm and it was one of the happiest moments of my life to stand under that shower have hot water pouring on me, putting on shampoo, drying up in a hot steamed room with a soft fresh towel and then putting on lotion and new clothes. There’s so less in life that you need. There’s really so less. Every second thought I have is that I don’t want to come back to Germany. It’s not even: “I don’t wanna come home.” I don’t feel like that’s my home. Not sure if I have ever felt that way. Home is where your heart is and my heart has always been with the people around me. I felt homesick few times in my life, really few times, maybe once or twice. But never for a place but only for my family and the family I chose. I feel like I am on a long journey to find home. Home in like a place. And this journey just started, it’s gonna go on for quite some time.
I’m not gonna miss my flight to Frankfurt even though I think about it all the time but I’m also gonna book another one leaving Germany again. To somewhere. To search further. At some point.
Somebody told me today that traveling is the thing that makes life worthwhile but coming back to a place where you’re staying is the real thing and I sat there listening: I just don’t feel it, I have empathy I can see the honesty in your eyes but I just don’t feel it.
I don’t feel like I belong somewhere where I cannot be the way I feel I am. I found out things about myself but also about the world in these past two months which I didn’t expect. Mexico has changed me - maybe not as much as you could see or sense it right away but I feel like I’m more as I have been before. There’s so much room in me that I haven’t realized I had before, there’s so many thoughts I didn’t think before. People keep being surprised about my age and honestly I feel so old and so young at the same time. I wish I would be something around 30 years older to know a lot more than I do but I also keep wishing to be 8 years old just indulging in life and not worrying. Sometimes I even wanna go back to around puberty, that age could have been the most amazing time in a good environment. I am really happy to have had this chance, to have made amazing and life changing experiences, to have met people that got me thinking, people I loved to talk to, to party with, to have gotten over myself and my fears and to have started being totally and a hundred percent honest to myself. 9 days left. Soooooo not looking forward.
I don’t know what to do.Les mer