Untangling

It's been a funny little time. I feel as though I've been here for months, but it's barely been 3 weeks. Strange having this limited timeline, even if that is 2 whole years, it somehow seems so short in my mind.

I've been making the most of this studio apartment! Enjoying the space to practice lots of yoga, learn French, cook up huge meals to meal prep.
An all-too-familiar rollercoaster took place over the last week in regards to work.

I was contacted by a place I'd applied to, and came in to to meet the owner. She was very eager to have me on board, and gave me the date for training, and my first shift, which would be a day she'd be absent for. All around it felt very rushed and I could feel the desperation in her, as she'd apparently not stopped working for three months straight since opening the business.

It's been a fascinating process, watching the subtleties of each little moment unfold. I noticed straight away that while she was a lovely person, with a cool story, she was very very stressed, and uncomfortable. She spoke over me, and the way she spoke to her receptionist I observed as being quite domineering.

In any case, I'd been so excited to receive her call, but that little knowing appeared in my gut, that this wasn't it. I wouldn't be able to be real with her, or feel truly relaxed and in my element around her and within her business. I worked my first shift, in which I also realised that she wasn't interested in setting up and promoting Thai Massage properly, and it then became even clearer to me that this isn't what I am looking for.

In so many instances with work, I find it difficult to turn something down because I haven't been hard-lined enough about what it is that I'm looking for. I still have this 'take what I can get' mentality, that's probably been with me as I used to pick up hospitality and agriculture jobs, but didn't have a qualification under my belt or something in particular that I was looking for.

So for that reason, it was a very important step for me to turn this offer down after the first shift that I decided would be a trial. I communicated with her, and I felt this deep sense of relief.

I've got my heart set on working at this other place that I've had some contact with. I have to let it go, and allow whatever little magical forces need to work to work, whether it turns out to be that place or not. The situation also brought up the question of my relationship to work, and how it affects my sense of identity. It does, in a big way, as I feel that I am someone for whom work is a huge part of what I define myself by.

I want to work somewhere with an authentic and warm, evolving professional but personal environment. My mantra leading into this Canadian escapade has been 'I am open to transformation.'

So as difficult as it is for the survivalist in me to turn down work, it's been some sort of a test to access that deeper wisdom, and broaden the lens on my life. Work needn't be something I dread, suffer, or subject myself to. It will be something I am chomping at the bit to do, that brings fulfillment, and that I dedicate my heart to.

And! It needn't be something that I split my personality for. I want to be myself, in all aspects of my life. Being up north and running my business showed me I can do that.

I've had some lovely catch-ups this week, meeting with Agate, and Kim and Ely. Ely's rescue squirrels were a highlight. The bagels Agate and I had were amazing, and the conversations with Kim were soul food.

At the very end of the week, I'll be moving on from the studio! This little slice of relative luxury has been one of the best decisions I made for myself. Giving myself the space to invest time and energy into myself has helped me feel focused and accomplished, with now many of my yoga teacher training assignments complete. It's a wonderful feeling.

And of course, to have the space to have proper video hangouts with my boyfriend. My wonderful partner Dylan. In the past, when I've left a place, and in cases when that has included a person, I've found myself in the new place, and suddenly everything prior to getting there became so distant.
This time, I couldn't feel closer to the world I left behind. I feel like Dylan is right by my side, and our beautiful home in Northland courses through my spirit like blood in my veins. And I know that everything I am doing here is paving the path straight back there.

One week until my course commences. 3 years since this idea was born, and now I'm finally here. It's so satisfying. And surreal!Leia mais