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  • First snow

    2 de dezembro de 2024, Canadá ⋅ ☁️ -1 °C

    I woke up at 6am, rolled around and stretched before heading into the kitchen to make my coffee. Warm brew in mug, I walked into the living room and the view outside the balcony window in the dim morning light caught my eye. A first dusting of snow, down Rue Dufresne. A little sparkle ran through my being.

    It made me think of Bonn, January 1st 2017, waking up to the dusting of snow in Judith's backyard. Running downstairs in her ugg boots to jump around and play in the white powder, looking up to see her on the balcony screaming at me, "Not the Ugg boots!!"

    I thought too of standing in line for a bus in Zurich, amidst a chaos of passengers wanting to get their bags in the bus first, a whole heap of commotion, when ever so gently the white flakes of snow began to fall all around me. I felt like I was in a pocket of stillness, connected to the sky above me, as people fussed and made a racket.

    The temperatures are going to be around zero or below this week, steadily making their descent towards the end of the year. It's a bizarre thought, that for the next 4 months it will be perpetually cold.

    These last couple of months have been racing by. My life currently consists of studying Thai Massage, working 3 days a week at OM, meal prepping finding time for yoga, finishing up the YTT, completing my Deep Tissue course and experimenting with different ways to move my body in this apartment. I'm trying to relieve some of this tension, trying to build strength and flexibility. I can safely say I've never carried quite this much tension in my life though. Waking up with a sore lower back, shoulders locked, it's all a bit new to me. I'm experiencing the symptoms of city living. It's too much, the body wasn't designed to live like this, and I certainly wasn't made for it.

    It's a strange little season of life I feel. I reflected earlier on how I've been feeling limited in various ways here. I don't have the time or the money right now to take on something like horse riding at that riding therapy centre I found, or taking dance lessons as well as renting the studio for hooping, or going dancing/clubbing. I find myself daydreaming (with the help of my new favourite show Heartland) about being out in wide open nature, riding horses, being free of all the pressures of compressed human society.

    And yet, I had a word with myself in the kitchen, did I come to Montreal to feel sorry for myself? Or to spend my days wishing I was somewhere else? Kahure. I came here to learn, and I am indeed learning. I notice every day how my practice of massage therapy grows, how my practice in general evolves, in terms of movement, in terms of study, applying myself, broadening my capacity to learn effectively again. All whilst navigating the deeply hidden turmoils I find contained within me still, about Steven, about family, about my identity. I think I've been avoiding big feelings, moments that shake up my worldview, that bring my entire being with full force into this moment. My brain feels stuffy, cloudy much of the time.

    I cherish my growing friendship with Kim. Speaking with her is like a channel of light and understanding from one kindred spirit to another. I'm so grateful for our conversations and ability to share so much in terms of the work we do, and where we want to take it.

    I confess I do stress, about my relationship with Dylan. I wonder at times about how it will affect me in terms of the work I know I need to bring to life. As I write this I realise, the point, the point! is that no one, no man, no anything should be able to come between myself and my purpose. Right now he's not even here, and how could I subtly blame him for anything that holds me back. That's all me. All me. That is my challenge at the minute, to show up with heart, with honesty, in all aspects of my life. And that self-compassion, particularly as I see my summer looks fading into the winter layers.

    And yet, nothing changes how I yearn for the ocean, for the open sky, for the sunsets and green forests of home. I also yearn for the feeling of lightness and strength, dancing flow in my body, and a sense of being truly connected to the here and now.
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  • Deeper Reflections

    23 de outubro de 2024, Canadá ⋅ ☁️ 23 °C

    It's been on my mind for a while to go deeper in the next post I write, reflecting more on the internal landscape of my experience so far here in the Paris of North America.
    Ponderings and observations in particular about what spirituality really means to me, and what I've been thinking about that's important to me recently.

    The thoughts for this post began a while ago, while I was staying at the studio on Rue Berri. It had been a rainy day, and I was feeling the blues up there in the south tower of the "ilotapparts" building, so naturally I comforted myself with cigarettes, and making up excuses for when I wanted to make the journey down the elevator to go and smoke one on the terrace. I took my headphones with me to listen to a voice message, and made my way into the dingy stairwell which was the only dry area on the terrace. From there I could see out onto the back alley behind the Berru-UQAM metro entrance, where there was a community garden, and in the background the layers of the city stretched.

    I had just sat down in the pigeon-shit infested stairwell, mostly out of the rain but not quite out of the wind, and I noticed a group of three people down on the street huddled on cardboard under very narrow eaves of a building. They seemed quite happy all things considered, I noticed them laughing and appeared to be a close group of friends.

    When I finished my cigarette I realised I was being called to from down there on the street. The group of three were standing below the stairwell and the guy was asking me how I got up to where I was. At first I felt a little wary, but just looking into their eyes told me they were no threat to me. I told them it's the terrace of an apartment building, and the guy looked surprised as I answered. With a smile he asked, "Are you from the UK?" I laughed and told him New Zealand.

    They told me they just needed a spot to get out of the rain for a while. I felt the conditioned part of me saying, they're dangerous, what if you get caught letting them in, what if they don't leave? But the human instinct in me said absolutely, give them what shelter you have to give. So I went downstairs and opened the emergency door for them. The group was the guy, who I learned was half-Jamaican, half-English, and two women who were Cree, from Northern Quebec.

    I found myself sitting with them in the stairwell, having easy chats as they took a load off finally out of the miserable weather outside. They offered me a drink from their impressive selection of spirits, which I politely declined. I enjoyed chatting with the women, getting to know a bit about being Cree in Quebec. It was wonderful to share with them that my cousin is in fact Cree, from Manitoba.

    After feeling so lonely in the morning in this modern, clean cut apartment building, here I was in a mucky stairwell, having such a nice time with these people. I felt reminded of a spark, a bright streak within my personality of always finding myself in strange but wonderful situations, with new people, never feeling afraid of what might happen, holding my own and being rewarded for it with lovely and authentic connections.

    Something had caught their attention in the street. A guy wearing a pink hoodie was stumbling along the street towards the stairwell, hands shoved deeply in his pockets. We couldn't see his face. The Jamaican guy said, "Damn who the fuck is that, look at him walking so suss down there."
    Two seconds later he yelled out, "Kevin!!" And the little pink figure stopped and turned to look sharply up at us. Of course his name was Kevin.

    So the newest addition to the stairwell clumsily made his way up, barely making it through a sentence he attempted, and I was genuinely concerned watching him take each step. He was very inebriated. But once again, I knew intuitively, harmless. Just a really fucked up dude called Kevin.

    We all got to talking about music, and I told them about my song. Jamaica chucked it on his phone and the opening seconds that I know so well started playing in that cosy stairwell. Jamaica looked super excited and looked at Kevin saying, "Ohh man who does this sound like?!" Without missing a beat, Kevin just said, "Nelly" and I lost it laughing. He gave a very stoned laugh in return and after about a minute of listening to it, Jamaica decided he was going to be selfish and listen to it on his headphones instead.

    Eventually I felt ready to head back upstairs. I was so glad to have met them, especially the Cree women. I found myself thinking of what I could give them, when I got back upstairs. I got some muesli bars together, some ointment for their sore feet from walking for days, and a power bank to charge phones. When I made it back to the stairwell they were gone. It was quite something to recognise what a gift they'd been to me that day.
    Beyond that, sharing my music that way, felt like the thing that really mattered. It makes me happy knowing they've got that with them wherever.

    So my reflections. I felt ashamed at my woeful loneliness from earlier, in the luxurious studio that had everything I could possibly need. It certainly brought a much needed dose of perspective. And yet, it wasn't like a 'look at those poor people and how little they have and how much I have' kind of moment. It was, 'look at those friends having a laugh and a drink together, helping each other get by through the toughest shit, and being open to hang out with someone like me, from up there in the apartment block' kind of realisation.

    The essence of me would rather have the essence of what they have, the simplicity, the friendship, the making up each day as you go along, though of course I do not envy the circumstances, and am wildly grateful for the lifestyle I can afford. But it showed me what I miss, being in a place like that alone. As productive as I can be, and I do enjoy solitude, they brought a lightning bolt of raw authenticity into my life when I really needed the reminder.

    I thought so much about the poison of social conditioning, that teaches you to be afraid of people with less advantage. Beyond that, the social conditioning that gets a hold of you to look and act and dress a certain way, and the hippie in me strays further from grasp as I unconsciously behave. I think that's part of why I smoke. It keeps me connected to this part of me. A bit of a conundrum this one is.
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  • Untangling

    19 de agosto de 2024, Canadá ⋅ 🌧 16 °C

    It's been a funny little time. I feel as though I've been here for months, but it's barely been 3 weeks. Strange having this limited timeline, even if that is 2 whole years, it somehow seems so short in my mind.

    I've been making the most of this studio apartment! Enjoying the space to practice lots of yoga, learn French, cook up huge meals to meal prep.
    An all-too-familiar rollercoaster took place over the last week in regards to work.

    I was contacted by a place I'd applied to, and came in to to meet the owner. She was very eager to have me on board, and gave me the date for training, and my first shift, which would be a day she'd be absent for. All around it felt very rushed and I could feel the desperation in her, as she'd apparently not stopped working for three months straight since opening the business.

    It's been a fascinating process, watching the subtleties of each little moment unfold. I noticed straight away that while she was a lovely person, with a cool story, she was very very stressed, and uncomfortable. She spoke over me, and the way she spoke to her receptionist I observed as being quite domineering.

    In any case, I'd been so excited to receive her call, but that little knowing appeared in my gut, that this wasn't it. I wouldn't be able to be real with her, or feel truly relaxed and in my element around her and within her business. I worked my first shift, in which I also realised that she wasn't interested in setting up and promoting Thai Massage properly, and it then became even clearer to me that this isn't what I am looking for.

    In so many instances with work, I find it difficult to turn something down because I haven't been hard-lined enough about what it is that I'm looking for. I still have this 'take what I can get' mentality, that's probably been with me as I used to pick up hospitality and agriculture jobs, but didn't have a qualification under my belt or something in particular that I was looking for.

    So for that reason, it was a very important step for me to turn this offer down after the first shift that I decided would be a trial. I communicated with her, and I felt this deep sense of relief.

    I've got my heart set on working at this other place that I've had some contact with. I have to let it go, and allow whatever little magical forces need to work to work, whether it turns out to be that place or not. The situation also brought up the question of my relationship to work, and how it affects my sense of identity. It does, in a big way, as I feel that I am someone for whom work is a huge part of what I define myself by.

    I want to work somewhere with an authentic and warm, evolving professional but personal environment. My mantra leading into this Canadian escapade has been 'I am open to transformation.'

    So as difficult as it is for the survivalist in me to turn down work, it's been some sort of a test to access that deeper wisdom, and broaden the lens on my life. Work needn't be something I dread, suffer, or subject myself to. It will be something I am chomping at the bit to do, that brings fulfillment, and that I dedicate my heart to.

    And! It needn't be something that I split my personality for. I want to be myself, in all aspects of my life. Being up north and running my business showed me I can do that.

    I've had some lovely catch-ups this week, meeting with Agate, and Kim and Ely. Ely's rescue squirrels were a highlight. The bagels Agate and I had were amazing, and the conversations with Kim were soul food.

    At the very end of the week, I'll be moving on from the studio! This little slice of relative luxury has been one of the best decisions I made for myself. Giving myself the space to invest time and energy into myself has helped me feel focused and accomplished, with now many of my yoga teacher training assignments complete. It's a wonderful feeling.

    And of course, to have the space to have proper video hangouts with my boyfriend. My wonderful partner Dylan. In the past, when I've left a place, and in cases when that has included a person, I've found myself in the new place, and suddenly everything prior to getting there became so distant.
    This time, I couldn't feel closer to the world I left behind. I feel like Dylan is right by my side, and our beautiful home in Northland courses through my spirit like blood in my veins. And I know that everything I am doing here is paving the path straight back there.

    One week until my course commences. 3 years since this idea was born, and now I'm finally here. It's so satisfying. And surreal!
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  • Thunderstorms and Decisions

    12 de agosto de 2024, Canadá ⋅ ☀️ 22 °C

    It's been one week since arriving in Montreal! An interesting week of getting the lay of the land, facing some challenges, and unexpected new plans.

    The Help Exchange turned out to be an important lesson for me in autonomy. After 3 days there I knew I wasn't going to last 3 weeks. Initially the plan was to stay there until I moved into my sharehouse (colocation is what they refer to it as here!) and enjoy doing a few hours of work in the rooftop garden in exchange for food and board, whilst using my spare time to get acquainted with the city, find a job etc.

    It's like a game, moving to a brand new place. You have your map, your character is obviously you, you have only the things you could pack into a suitcase, and you have your mission. There will be other characters to meet and contend with, resources you need to uncover to move to the next step, levels to achieve.

    The host of the Help Exchange turned out to be challenge numero uno. He was a bit eccentric, ridiculously talkative, and began to essentially do my head in. A very classic French sort of person, in his early 70's, perhaps too accustomed to talking only about himself. He was quite funny, but I realised that the expectation was that I'd spend every meal with him, and while the food was actually fantastic and I felt very lucky for it, I couldn't handle having to sit and listen to him chitter on about things for that many hours in a day.

    Another unexpected challenge was a full day of thunderstorms, rendering the rooftop essentially unusable, though we still had meals in the sheltered patio there, getting buffeted by the wind and the edges of the rain. I'm accustomed to that though, having lived in a van, but at least my van itself was always dry inside. The surprise here was that my little cabin was very leaky, and I couldn't use it during the storm.

    Sleeping downstairs wasn't much fun, and the overall lack of somewhere to just completely recharge started to take its toll quite quickly.
    It made me really understand this about how I operate though. I need stillness, space and breathing room. Most importantly though, a sense of connection and ease. I think if there is a person around who can naturally give that space even while they are present, that is plenty. But someone who likes to consume the energy and attention of another is like a turbo battery-drainer. Honestly, it seemed as though whenever I was in the vicinity he was talking.

    So I consulted my inner knowing, and realised that a large part of the pickle I was in had to do with my relationship to money. This has been an area seeking some spring cleaning for a while now. My epiphany was that, as nice as it is to not spend literal money to stay somewhere and eat, the exchange is still energy and time. If I spent around 5 hours of the day helping this Guy out, and providing my attention during meals etc, those 5 hours are not being spent investing into myself and my mission here. Money reserves weren't moving much, but inner resources, absolutely.
    I could almost see the little energy bar above my head, rapidly moving into the red, and demanding that I take some action soon. It's a matter of weighing up my resources and making the right decision for me from there.

    I found a nearby Airbnb for a couple of days, and after a rather unpleasant sleep the night before I left, coupled with an unpleasant morning as I came downstairs to a complaining host, saying that because I was late to breakfast he was starving and shaking, I explained the situation. Tactfully but very directly, that the arrangement wasn't working for me and I'd be leaving in the afternoon. Plus a very firm assertion that his getting hungry has nothing to do with me. In your own home, you eat when you're hungry!

    Even right up until the moment I got in the Uber, the host was talking. It was unbelievable. Sweet relief to arrive at my nearby accommodation to a very relaxed and welcoming environment, in a lovely area of quiet streets that reminded me of Europe, and a large bright room all to myself.

    I let myself settle in, and process the events of the first week. There's always some sort of a rollercoaster to begin with! My main objective in this sort of game though is, to be true to myself. Life has never failed to provide something wonderful when plan A just isn't feeling right in my bones. Of course, it's harder to trust this being in a new country, you don't have the same safety net to fall back on. But that's exactly the magic and the exhilaration of this sort of game.

    I've arranged a short term sublet in the city until my colocation commences. It'll be a bit expensive, but the delight is that I'll have a studio all to myself in a fantastic location. In reassessing my resources, I decided that spending money is well worth having a comfortable and well-equipped place which gives me the ability to spend the hours focusing on building my character.

    Presently those hours will be spent on learning French as quickly as I can (fun game challenge if you've never tried it! this language makes no sense), studying my Yoga Teacher Training that's taken somewhat of a back seat, searching for a job, and making connections.

    Today the whole reason that I came to Montreal in the first place came to its initial moment of fruition: signing my student contract for the Diploma of Thai Massage that I'm here to undertake. It felt surreal. I even had a real fangirl moment meeting Sukha, the director for the first time. And a moment of reverence seeing the picture of Kam Thye Chow, the teacher whose lineage of practice I will be joining.

    The practice of Thai Yoga Massage has been one of the most pivotal things to have entered my life. It is my calling. And I've felt immensely supported and humbled to be a practitioner of this ancient art, picturing the thousands of years that span behind me and other present day healers in this discipline. It's really such an honour.

    Walking in this city is delightful. It's also just the perfect kind of summer temperature right now. I'm feeling very lucky and alive. On an evening walk to the supermarket, I passed a woman set up on the street with her small paint set up, delicately creating a watercolour piece of the image before her. It was quite incredible to walk past her and physically feel the different bubble of energy she existed in. Amidst all the bustling around, there was this stillness around her, and as I walked past I felt the edges of it touch me, and remind me to cultivate that kind of slowness, to be immersed and absorbed in something, even whilst everything around is moving fast.

    I'm off to make gnocchi, and avoid conversation with one of the other guests here who I sense would talk your ear off if he got a chance to.
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  • Arrivé

    7 de agosto de 2024, Canadá ⋅ ☀️ 26 °C

    It's 5:55pm on the 8th of August as I open this app and write for the first time in Montreal, Quebec. Canada, which I'm still finding it hard to wrap my head around.

    I've waited 3 years to be here. I've stared at the map of this city countless times, getting familiar with the area names, and general layout of the place. I was dumbfounded when I opened maps yesterday upon landing, and saw the little blue circle hovering now right next to the big bold letters spelling Montreal. I'm really here.

    The flight and transit, however long, felt truly effortless. Just like everything else that has flowed so seamlessly since I set my heart on getting here, the travel across pacific, and the entire width of the North American continent was delightfully comfortable. Both flights I had the luxury of a spare seat beside me, and managed to get sufficient sleep. The movies on offer were shockingly boring, so I focused on creating a video from my time up north.
    Even 10 hours in the Vancouver Airport wasn't difficult. I've had other long layovers in the past that felt excruciating, but there I was eating an A&W Beyond Burger having a grand old time.

    It's been a mixed bag since arriving in Montreal. I had a great chat with the Uber driver who gave me recommendations for the city, and told me a bit about his story coming from Benin, in Western Africa, to Montreal for a better life. He didn't know where New Zealand was, just as I didn't know exactly where his country was.

    As we drove through the city I stared out the window like a child. In many ways it was exactly as I imagined it, and I had to keep pinching myself internally, feeling a smile playing from the centre of my chest, as I saw everything in person for the first time, of a place I've dreamed about for so long. It's really quite a magical feeling.
    Besides that, Montreal isn't like anything else I've seen. Entirely unique in being this part European, part Canadian mix, and the lack of mountains anywhere disconnecting it from my previous associations with this mountain-obsessed country.

    I'd pre-arranged a 4 week stay with a Help Exchange host, who has a glorious rooftop garden above an apartment in Mile End, the suburb whose name I'd known about from a famous bagel shop in Melbourne, which also happens to be where my massage course will be taking place.

    Guy is the host, a lovely and somewhat eccentric man in his early 70's, and he's made me feel very welcome and at ease here. The food has been absolutely delicious so far. I feel like I'm in Europe. Bagels and apricot jam for breakfast, grilled eggplant and pasta for lunch, a salad with sweet fresh tomatoes from the garden, and the most delicious smoked salmon made by Inuit people from Northern Quebec.

    I learned that this suburb voted not to have any big chain stores around. So no McDonalds, no giant supermarkets. It's a wonderful thing. So today we took the bikes and went to the smaller stores that Guy frequents. A fantastic little butchery, a zero waste refillery, and a bright supermarket, all of which had staff who clearly know him well. It's like a small town in a city.

    The bike lanes are brilliant. Like a little bike highway beside the main road. The buildings are beautiful and quaint, many with sweeping staircases to the second stories, and fenced off gardens out the front. There are many flower boxes around, and plenty of murals, as well as shops with very artistic and vibrant shopfronts.

    After being in Kaitaia in the middle of (admittedly a very sunny and settled) winter, it's a bit of a shock to my system to be in the heat and the haze of a large city, seeing all the trendy folk out and about. As I write this there is a loud gathering on the street yelling "trans lives matter", which is absolutely not something one would hear on the streets in Kaitaia.

    My friend recently returned home from a stint abroad and jumped headfirst into the chaos of a whirlwind summer. He told me, "Land slow Izzy" and those words are resonating with me. It's a gift to be able to be on this beautiful rooftop, soaking up the presence of the plants, having the opportunity to rest and process leaving home behind, and prepare for this next chapter ahead.
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