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- Dia 118
- segunda-feira, 2 de dezembro de 2024
- ☁️ -1 °C
- Altitude: 28 m
CanadáParc Walter-Stewart45°31’58” N 73°33’23” W
First snow

I woke up at 6am, rolled around and stretched before heading into the kitchen to make my coffee. Warm brew in mug, I walked into the living room and the view outside the balcony window in the dim morning light caught my eye. A first dusting of snow, down Rue Dufresne. A little sparkle ran through my being.
It made me think of Bonn, January 1st 2017, waking up to the dusting of snow in Judith's backyard. Running downstairs in her ugg boots to jump around and play in the white powder, looking up to see her on the balcony screaming at me, "Not the Ugg boots!!"
I thought too of standing in line for a bus in Zurich, amidst a chaos of passengers wanting to get their bags in the bus first, a whole heap of commotion, when ever so gently the white flakes of snow began to fall all around me. I felt like I was in a pocket of stillness, connected to the sky above me, as people fussed and made a racket.
The temperatures are going to be around zero or below this week, steadily making their descent towards the end of the year. It's a bizarre thought, that for the next 4 months it will be perpetually cold.
These last couple of months have been racing by. My life currently consists of studying Thai Massage, working 3 days a week at OM, meal prepping finding time for yoga, finishing up the YTT, completing my Deep Tissue course and experimenting with different ways to move my body in this apartment. I'm trying to relieve some of this tension, trying to build strength and flexibility. I can safely say I've never carried quite this much tension in my life though. Waking up with a sore lower back, shoulders locked, it's all a bit new to me. I'm experiencing the symptoms of city living. It's too much, the body wasn't designed to live like this, and I certainly wasn't made for it.
It's a strange little season of life I feel. I reflected earlier on how I've been feeling limited in various ways here. I don't have the time or the money right now to take on something like horse riding at that riding therapy centre I found, or taking dance lessons as well as renting the studio for hooping, or going dancing/clubbing. I find myself daydreaming (with the help of my new favourite show Heartland) about being out in wide open nature, riding horses, being free of all the pressures of compressed human society.
And yet, I had a word with myself in the kitchen, did I come to Montreal to feel sorry for myself? Or to spend my days wishing I was somewhere else? Kahure. I came here to learn, and I am indeed learning. I notice every day how my practice of massage therapy grows, how my practice in general evolves, in terms of movement, in terms of study, applying myself, broadening my capacity to learn effectively again. All whilst navigating the deeply hidden turmoils I find contained within me still, about Steven, about family, about my identity. I think I've been avoiding big feelings, moments that shake up my worldview, that bring my entire being with full force into this moment. My brain feels stuffy, cloudy much of the time.
I cherish my growing friendship with Kim. Speaking with her is like a channel of light and understanding from one kindred spirit to another. I'm so grateful for our conversations and ability to share so much in terms of the work we do, and where we want to take it.
I confess I do stress, about my relationship with Dylan. I wonder at times about how it will affect me in terms of the work I know I need to bring to life. As I write this I realise, the point, the point! is that no one, no man, no anything should be able to come between myself and my purpose. Right now he's not even here, and how could I subtly blame him for anything that holds me back. That's all me. All me. That is my challenge at the minute, to show up with heart, with honesty, in all aspects of my life. And that self-compassion, particularly as I see my summer looks fading into the winter layers.
And yet, nothing changes how I yearn for the ocean, for the open sky, for the sunsets and green forests of home. I also yearn for the feeling of lightness and strength, dancing flow in my body, and a sense of being truly connected to the here and now.Leia mais