Day 11 - Pontevedra to Caldas de Reis

What a difference a day makes. Yesterday I was focused on gratitude. Today has been a challenge to keep myself from complaining.

It started yesterday evening when I had to start saying goodbyes. Some of the friends I've made on this Camino are staying an extra day in Pontevedra. Some will be taking the Spiritual Variant Route which means they will arrive in Santiago as I am leaving. Then at dinner Antonio told me he was leaving the Camino for an emergency back home in Switzerland. I said several goodbyes last night that I wasn't emotionally prepared for.

As I walked today I processed the reality that we often don't have control over when we say goodbye to people. As a hospice chaplain I experience this so often. It is all the more reason to be fully present with people when they are right in front of us.

My day was full of new people and most of them were Americans - two couples from Arizona, a retiree from Texas, a new college graduate from New York on her way to Pittsburgh for a new job. There was also a nice couple from Canada that I walked an hour with today. I shouldn't feel lonely but I still do. All of these people were friendly enough but we only had time for the formalities: Where are you from? Where did you start? Is this your first time? How many blisters? Where is your wife this year? What do you do back home? (Typically only the Americans ask this last question.)

I got tired of hearing myself talk and of answering the same questions. The nice thing about walking with those you have got to know is that you've moved beyond the basics and can get into conversations with more significance.

I guess that is how I started those relationships too. Maybe if I run into these folks again tomorrow we can go deeper.

Someone got up to shower in the albergue at 4:30 this morning. Someone else had his alarm on a three minute timer. Two people nicely moved their belongings out of their room and into the kitchen so that they wouldn't wake their other roommates; unfortunately the kitchen was right next to my bed.

There was roadwork out of Pontevedra and the Camino route on my app didn't match the detour arrows. The cafe on the other side of the bridge that advertised being open, wasn't. The restaurant that I chose because of its menu for lunch now has a new one with just the basic staples. It was nothing to savor. My albergue for the night has a pool but no washing machine and they asked me not to improvise and try to swim in with my hiking clothes.

Of course there were wonderful things about today's stage. I'm on the Camino. I'm less than 50 KM to Santiago. I have a bed tonight. I am healthy. My blister doesn't bother me. The sun is out but it is not too hot. The path took us under a grape vine trellis. I found a Turkish restaurant for dinner. My albergue has a pool.

But sometimes the negatives seem to outweigh the positives, even when it appears they should be in balance - or that I should be able to balance them. 

Take for instance last night in our albergue where we had only one shared toilet and shower. While there were doors to both sections there was also a sliding wooden panel that closed off the bathroom area from the living room where I was sitting at a table typing. One pilgrim went into the bathroom with her towel so I assumed she was taking a shower. I got up and closed the panel door. When she came out she noticed me and motioned to the door. I said that I had closed it to give her some more privacy and she thanked me saying she didn't realize the panel was a door. Then I stopped a male pilgrim from opening the door telling him that there were currently two women in the bathroom area. He thanked me and waited for his turn. It gave me a nice feeling that we are all looking out for each other and doing our best in an awkward area. But then a short while later a woman came out of the bathroom, looked at me sitting nearby and slammed the panel shut while giving me the stink eye like I was a pervert for sitting near the door. Her judgment weighed more heavily with me than the appreciation of the other pilgrims. It was harder to let go.

So it was with appreciation as I was processing this all during my walk that I came to a traffic sign that announced, "STOP Complaining." I asked the pilgrim near me if she could see it too. She said she could. I'm still taking it as a sign for me.

***
I don't like feelings of loss, of loneliness, of disappointment and of feeling judged. I'm trying to learn how to lean into those feelings and let them pass through me instead of holding on to them (like how I coach people to process grief).

I had become  good at numbing those feelings at the end of a hard day. A glass of whiskey (or more) and an ice cube didn't change my emotions but it did a good job of making them fade into the background until I could fall asleep.

I stopped that practice a while back. I now make a pledge on an app each morning not to drink that day. Then in the evening the app asks l me how I did.  

I have not once in the morning ever regretted not drinking the night before. Some evenings are harder than others. Today has been a tough one and I'm surrounded by offers of beer, wine and liquor from good meaning pilgrims and albergue hosts. But this morning I made pledge 199 and I intend to make it 200 tomorrow. I think I'll go for a cold swim.

My albergue has a pool.

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