Beijing Bedlam

Beijing almost defeated us before we even got there. We had a 6:20am flight from Manila, which meant waking at 3:30am. We were already packed, so all we needed to do was grab our bags, check out and order a Grab taxi.

Previously, we’d had no issues with Ninoy Aquino International Airport; but this time, the line up for Air China was almost out the door. Jason (aka Cassandra the Soothsayer) predicted that we would miss our flight. The line was moving at a snail’s pace, and at the rate that we were moving it was going to be over an hour before we would get to the front of the line. The immigration line looked even longer. Tensions were rising. People had a worried look on their face – were we going to make the flight?

Then all of a sudden the line started to pick up speed. The airline staff had realised that they needed to move things along. We weren’t able to check-in online, so we had to wait until we got to the airport. By then, the overbooked flight meant we couldn’t get seats near each other. We were both in different sections of the plane.

Fortunately, there was a separate line for foreigners and this line was much shorter. We made it through immigration just in time for boarding. For the four-and-half-hour journey, I was seated across from a group of Russians on their way back to Vladivostok. One of the women had lips on her so inflated she could be mistaken for a duck. Rule of thumb: lips smaller than the face.

We were served breakfast with a choice between the chicken sausage with omelette or the Beef congee – as Janice and Ray, aka the Disgusted Northern Couple from the Catherine Tate Show would say: “the dirty bastards!” We knew congee would have to be on the menu at some point.

We went through Chinese immigration without a hitch. The next challenge on the Amazing Race was to order a Didi. We had prepared for China by downloading WeChat and Alipay but we couldn’t get the Didi app to work or work out the correct address. Our hotel had given us directions and said to use the Tongle Restaurant as the end destination, because the hotel was in a very narrow alley. Cassandra was convinced that we had the incorrect location and that we were heading to the other side of Beijing. The soothsayer predicted we would need to order a second Didi to get to the correct location. I was following along on my phone and we seemed to be going to the correct location. It seemed that Amaps, the Chinese version of Google Maps, wasn’t calculating the distance correctly.

We got dropped off outside the Tongle Restaurant, which Cassandra still thought was the wrong Tongle Restaurant. It was supposed to be about 200 metres away but our map said it was a 20-minute walk. We took off disregarding what the map said. We found the correct street, then we just needed to find the correct number.

We walked through old traditional alleys (hutong) that are formed from courtyard Chinese houses known as siheyuan, until we found a gate that had the number 34 on it. This was supposed to be our hotel, but it didn’t look like your traditional hotel entrance. Outside there was a man pointing and saying something in Mandarin. He seemed to be directing us to go around the corner. And sure enough there was a hotel entrance, but the name of the hotel didn’t match our booking.

We walked up to the hotel reception and I showed my phone with our booking. The young guy nodded. He didn’t speak any English, so proceeded to use a translator – not Google Translate because Google, Facebook, WhatsApp, and Signal are blocked in China.

We were asked to pay for the hotel, but I thought we had already paid a portion of the accommodation. Confusion ensued, mainly because the translations weren’t very helpful. We eventually worked it out and went back to our room. We tried to get back into our room but we were locked out. That was because we were trying to get into the wrong room. All the rooms looked the same in the rabbit warren that was the Renyo Hotel (aka Yunju Hotel).

The room was so small you couldn’t swing a cat in it. The width of the room was the same as the bed, there was only a small path around it. The toilet and shower had enough room for a small child. Good luck getting your pants up after going to the toilet. On the plus side, you didn’t need to flush the toilet – everything was automatic, including the front door of the room.

The first time, I left the front door slightly ajar, I heard a woman’s voice. It was the door screaming at me to close it. Before long I had developed an obsession with the door lady. I’d deliberately leave the door slightly open just so she’d scold me again in Mandarin: Qǐng guānshàng dàmén (Please close the door).

Our first Beijing mission was to find food. The airline food didn’t satisfy, so we went in search of some tucker. We walked down to the main road, Guijie Street, that was lined with restaurants and all kinds of food outlets. Along the way, we noticed a McDonald’s and 7-11 on almost every block.

With something in our bellies, and like explorers on the frontiers, we took off to find new surroundings. After a bit of random wandering, we went back to the hotel for a quick pit stop before heading back out to find dinner. We decided to try some of the local cuisine, so we popped our heads into one of the restaurants and liked what we saw. We ordered the beef noodles with broth. Refuelled, we wandered for a bit before heading back to the hotel. We needed to rise early and we had already been up since sparrow farts.

As part of our accommodation package, breakfast was included. It claimed to offer Chinese and Western food. The only Western style food seemed to be toast and jam. Most hotels provide a selection of egg choices: scrambled, poached or fried. The only choice looked like century eggs. The dirty bastards! I still tried the eggs, because I was so hungry I could have eaten a horse and its jockey.

Our second day was spent exploring the Forbidden City and Tiananmen Square. First stop was the Forbidden City. Jason wanted to beat the crowds, especially the tour groups, so we got there as the doors opened.

The Forbidden City served as the imperial palace of the Ming and Qing emperors for almost 500 years from 1420 to 1911. It is one of the world’s biggest palace complexes, with nearly 9,000 rooms. The entire complex takes up about 180 acres of land, with a moat separating the outer and inner complexes. Our ticket also included the Clock (Zimingzhong) and Treasure galleries, which offered a glimpse into the rich and elaborate lifestyles of the 24 emperors that occupied the complex.

Directly in front of the Forbidden City lies Tiananmen Gate (the Gate of Heavenly Peace), the grand entrance to the imperial city, which opens onto Tiananmen Square. To get into the Square, you have to go through a number of security checks. It was probably the most thorough and intrusive search that I’ve ever experienced. I almost got molested by security as she patted and felt me up. Not even airport security in the US post September 11 was this bad. She even opened my bottle of water and took a sniff. One search wasn’t enough. We were searched again by another guy.

That evening we decided to go on the hunt for Peking duck. We found a restaurant along Guijie street. The sweet and sour pork was a nice appetizer before the main course of Peking duck and a side of cauliflower. Vegetables!!! Our bodies were craving some nutrients. Although the cauliflower was doused in oil. The diet will have to start at the next stop.

Early mornings were becoming a bit of a routine. We skipped the hotel breakfast and opted for some fruit and coffee. Again, Jason wanted to be at Station 14 of the Great Wall of China at 7:30am when it opened. We were in a Didi by 6 am to take the one-and-a-quarter-hour trip. Didi was more expensive than the local way to the wall, but it only cost $46 for the convenience.

The Great Wall is a network of fortifications built and expanded over more than two thousand years to defend China’s northern frontiers. The best-preserved sections were largely constructed during the Ming Dynasty and offer views of the surrounding countryside.

We did part of the Hero Slope track up to Station 17 before it got really difficult, then traversed back to Station 6 for five kilometres, where we took the toboggan down. I was a bit apprehensive about the slide. Everyone else seemed to be treating the toboggan like a Formula One race. Meanwhile, I drove like a little old granny in her white Mazda 3 to bingo. I’m sure the person behind me wasn’t impressed. I could hear them up my arse for the entire journey.

After the descent, the mission was to find more food before heading back to Beijing Central. The first hour of the journey seemed to go fast, but the final 3 kilometres we became gridlocked in traffic. We eventually made it back to our hotel before we starved to death.

The final Amazing Race challenge in Beijing was to find our last supper and some egg tarts. By this stage, Jason had come down with a sinus infection, so we went on a side mission to find a pharmacy. Mission accomplished.

We walked a few metres from the pharmacy and stumbled upon a food outlet that appeared popular with the locals. I took a photo of what we wanted so I could show it to the lady behind the window. She smiled and handed us two pork tenderloins with an egg inside bread. Then, a few metres away on what seemed to be bakery street, we struck gold and found our egg tarts. We threw in a cream and taro bun too, but that went in the bin. The dirty bastards!

Next stop clue: A former capital city where wild apples were born and the Silk Road once passed by.

Mandarin Phrases:

Hello = 你好 (Nǐ hǎo) nee how

Good morning = 早上好 (Zǎoshang hǎo) dzow-shang how

Thank you 谢谢 (Xièxie) shyeh-shyeh

You’re welcome = 不客气 (Bú kèqi) boo kuh-chee

Please = 请 (Qǐng) ching

Excuse me 不好意思 (Bù hǎoyìsi) boo how-ee-suh

Yes = 是 (Shì) shir

No = 不是 (Bú shì) boo shir

How much? = 多少钱？(Duōshǎo qián?) dwor-shaow chyen

Where is the toilet? = 洗手间在哪里？ She-show jyen dzeye nah-lee

Please close the door = 请关上大门 Qǐng guānshàng dàménRead more