Hit me - 50km of thinking distilled

In the great Blackjack game of life, I will 'stay' unless the 'hit' is virtually guaranteed.

If you don't play Blackjack, another way of saying that is that I am very easily satisfied with what I consider to be as good as it's going to get. And my bar for that is, on reflection, quite low.

I live carefully, with a gentleness infused with worry - stepping mindfully to not upset a balance, a temper, myself.

I am not ambitious, I am not confident. I know I am clever and kind but I have low self esteem generally. I am prone to playing it safe, because the gap between what is and what could be is one I am scared of falling into. I avoid the edge.

Depending on the day, I view this collection of attributes as lazy or humble, cowardly or honourable. I am simultaneously uncomfortable and proud of my ability to accept, and appreciate, very little. I am a glass-half-full person because I wouldn't have said anything if it was a quarter. Half is a gift. More is greed.

The Camino as a teacher is a well-worn metaphor, but lessons *are* abundant. So many times, I've been reluctant to move on. I have been with lovely people in a lovely hostel having a lovely time in a lovely town. Yet the Camino urges us to keep going, and rewards those that do with more wonderful things.

It is showing me that this is not as good as it gets. There is more good to be got. Do not, literally or figuratively, settle. At least not out of fear, anyway. Ask. Receive. Accept.

I hope I am brave enough to take this lesson home.

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Disclaimer: obviously at no point in the above am I talking about my base level privilege of which I am aware and grateful. I'm not looking a gift horse remotely in the mouth when it comes to being housed, fed, healthy, safe, and employed.Read more