Eastern Europe

I think my least favourite phrase in the English language is "in the unlikely event of a water landing". Genuinely, I can't bear to sit through another on board flight safety procedure "cabaret show". In the unlikely event of a water landing?!? Are you kidding me? You mean as in CRASHING INTO THE SEA YEAH?! Oh yeah no worries...we'll be fine. I know I only paid 15 pounds for this ryanair flight but I dont expect to land on water. This isn't fucking Thorpe park. And those "lidl" life jackets ain't going to save anyone's ass.

Anyway flight to Poland was horrible, plane was bouncing around all over the place. Turbelance like a motherbitch. The person next to me was asleep of course (I hate those guys). Meanwhile I was clinching my sphincter tight and praying to Alah, Jesus, Buddah, Satan promising all kinds of things if we could just arrive in one piece to Poland. And to be honest if it was going to go down then please not a water landing. I couldn't bear the existential nightmare of fiddling with a nozzle on a life jacket whilst clearly aware of your own certain impending death. Also I didn't bring any trunks with me :)

Anyway, more disasters await. I arrive at my hostel after much walking around aimlessly and asking pretty polish girls for directions. The hostel is an absolute pile of stinking hot wank. I paid for a bed in a 12 bed dorm room, I am shocked to find that my single bed is directly joined up with the other guys bed (like two twin beds when u join them up to make a double). And they are bolted on together. What the actual fuck?! I didn't know sodomy was on the menu tonight? I don't even know this guy but we will be spooning later. This isn't right.

Anyways I had to kick the fella once or twice during the night also as he started spreading himself. The colossal fuckstick. Probably the most action I'll get all week!

Snoring motherfucker too...I was awoken throughout the night by a symphony clusterfuck of snoring. Mainly the guy next to me. The other guy was humming some crap. Not even normal snoring. Where do they get these people? Tomorrow night i'm going to get a sudden bout of tourettes and call them all a bunch of cunts at 4am. There's 12 of us cramped in here like sardines in cans. Maybe I'll sleep in the shower in a featul position tomorrow night...

Oh by the way yeah, Gdansk looks beautiful. More shits and giggles to follow in the next entry.Read more