Jason and Ricky 's Gaycation

From Helsinki, we took the two-hour ferry across the Gulf of Finland to Tallinn, the capital of Estonia. As we sat on the ferry, we overheard a group of Finnish pensioners. We had no idea what they were saying until we heard the words “Käärijä” and “Cha, cha, cha”, along with the dance moves that have become iconic. We then knew that they were talking about Eurovision. We chimed in and started a conversation with them. They weren’t a huge fan of the song but their grandchildren loved it and they loved the attention that Käärijä had brought to Finland. But they were happy that he didn’t win because of the cost of hosting the Eurovision Song Contest.

The Finnish pensioners also confirmed that it was true that all new-born babies are being gifted with a Käärijä outfit, the lime green puffer jacket and black spikey pants. I would have stolen one of the outfits if the babies weren’t being heavily guarded by their fathers. We noticed throughout Scandinavia and now in Estonia that it was only men who pushed the prams. There were no women to be seen; maybe it was sauna and spa day.

As we docked at the Port of Tallinn, we said our parting words to the Finnish pensioners and went on our way. I said to Jason “this won’t be the last time we see them”. And sure enough we saw them in the new town the very next day, traipsing around Tallinn.

We got to Tallinn and navigated to our AirBnB, which was located in the Old Town in a Soviet-era apartment, diagonally across from the KGB prison cells. The prison held Estonian politicians, civil servants, intellectuals, veterans of the War of Independence, as well as everyday people, where they were beaten and tortured. Our apartment, although only a studio apartment, was a little bigger, and included its own two-person sauna, a luxury not afforded to the prisoners. Even so, Jason was paranoid that the remnants of the KGB bugging devices may still be present; there was a camera installed in the entrance of our apartment! The KGB must have also employed an older lady to sit at the front door to protect the building. I relieved her for a bit while she smoked her fag in the courtyard.

One of the first things we needed to do was to get some provisions for the next five nights and a SIM card that would work in the Baltics, Poland and Germany. We went to the local supermarket, the Rimi – a place that sells groceries, not a place for rimming 😂. We grabbed a few things and then headed to the self-service cashier to ask Margrit for a SIM card. I greeted her with a “tere” (hi). Jason followed up with “do you speak English?”, which was met with a very stern, Russian-like accent: “yes”. We explained that we wanted a SIM card that would work in Latvia, Lithuania, Poland and Germany. I don’t think Margrit fully understood us, but we were able to figure out which SIM card would work in other countries from her deck of cards.

A little over five years ago, we had shared an AirBnB with an Estonian couple, and we had organised to catch up with them. Tallinn is easily traversed by foot, and so we dumped our bags at our accommodation and headed to dinner with Kadi-Riin, Magnus, their daughter, Liesel, and dog, Whiskey. It was great to catch up and talk about our adventures that we shared in Bolivia, all of which seemed like a lifetime ago. With our bellies full of good food – the best and probably the most reasonably priced food we've had since we left home – we headed back to our apartment to get a little shut eye before our self-guided tour of the Old Town.

Tallinn is the most populous city of Estonia, with a population of about 454,000. It also has one of the best preserved medieval old towns in Europe, with many of the buildings dating from the fourteenth to sixteenth centuries, and listed as a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Estonia was also the last pagan region of Europe before the Catholic church imposed Christianity on them during the Northern Crusades of the early thirteenth century.

We wandered around the Old Town, marvelling at medieval and renaissance architecture before heading to the Patkuli viewing platform. We climbed the 157 steps to the lookout, located in one of the most ancient parts of Tallinn, to take in the best views of the Old Town, including its towers and walls, and all the way out to the sea port.

After our tour of the Old Town, we headed to the newer part of the city to explore more of Tallinn, including the small wooden houses, referred to as Tallinn houses. They were built in the 1920s and 1930s, constructed of two symmetrical wooden wings separated by a stone central staircase. Originally they were built for the working class. Now, they provide a colourful backdrop to the area.

While we were in Tallinn, it was officially Baltic Pride, hosted on behalf of Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania. One of the first events we attended was a panel session on mental health and the LGBT+ communities. At first we thought we may have turned up to a session that was going to be in Estonian. That would have been useless for us! Luckily, it was all in English. The following day, we attended the Pride conference. This time we had an interpreter for all the parts that were in Estonian. We were given headsets and magically we could hear the interpreter with a delay, which meant our applause was slightly delayed too.

The conference was very inclusive, with two sign interpreters who took turns. There seemed to be a little bit of competition about who could sign the longest without getting fatigued. The more senior interpreter would jump you and impatiently tap her grey suede high-heels until the more junior interpreter got the message. The more senior one seemed to like to touch her boobs as she signed. Maybe that's her fetish!

The Pride week culminated in the match through the Old Town, starting at the junction between Harju and Kuninga and finishing up at the Kaitseministeerium (the Ministry of Defence). It was well-attended, with 7000 people matching and many of the town folk out to watch. Even the military officers were onlookers, although they were themselves the target of some ogling from the marching crowd. Woof, woof.

Over the five days, we became regulars at the Rimi supermarket, so much so that we should have gotten a loyalty card. They had an in-store bakery and we progressively taste tested almost all of their goodies. Gone with the dust and air diet of Scandinavia! We could afford to eat now, and didn't we just do that. We may need to increase the step count to counter the excess calories.

On one occasion, as we were using the self-service checkout, we had to guess what the bakery goods were by the pictures. Despite pressing the English button on the screen, all of the bakery and produce was in Estonian. I had mistaken my jam-filled doughnut for something else. It caused a problem with the checkout because the weight didn't match. Sveta, the checkout assistant, was onto it, pressing buttons and muttering something in Estonian. Jason quickly asked “English please”. All that Sveta knew was “meat” and kept repeating it: “No meat”. No, the doughnut wasn't meat. Even with her tapping away, playing the cash register like it was a keytar in an Estonian synth pop band, it still didn't fix the problem. This was enough for us to avoid the self-service registers for all future bakery purchases.

There was the one time that we cheated on Rimi and went to the local Prism supermarket. This supermarket had a different system to Rimi for their produce; there was no look-up item on the register. Jason decided that it would be easier to go to the checkout assistant to get them to call up the items. I reminded him of the time in Slovakia where we had to weigh and tag our own produce. Yep, we needed to play a game of memorise and remember the codes for each of the items. Unlike in Slovakia, the checkout assistant was happy to assist; he didn’t throw the checkout divider at us.

Jason’s nickname has also changed from Scourge McScoorge and Touchy McTouchy to Clepto McClepto. Every time there is any free food, condiments or spices on offer, he has to take some for Ron, later on. We now have an endless supply of salt, pepper and Burger King ketchup. But I have to admit, it has come in handy on a few occasions and no doubt will be used at our next destination.

Next destination: Riga

Estonian: Tere (Hi), Tänud (Thanks a lot), Aitäh (Thanks), Kuidas sul läheb? (how are you?, Terviseks (Cheers!), Mul läheh hästi (I'm good)Read more