Cooking Class at Blue Elephant

Since the last post was just pics, let’s have some fun with this one.

So I whipped down to the same spot as dinner last night since they do cooking classes too and it was a blast. 30 min southeast on my Ducati (125cc Honda Click). Thai people are just always happy man. They’re happy, you’re happy, everyone’s happy (opposite of miserable ass Americans). Chef Molly was dope serving up all types of knowledge. Of course I did the whole “I went to culinary school” thing because I want all the attention and it worked until I burnt my garlic and shallots but we’ll get to my shameful performance later. The Blue Elephant was a historical monument/mansion that was going to be abandoned back in the day when a Belgian man decided to bid on it and restore it. His son owns and runs it now (pictured). If I was having “that type of trip” then his son is “that type of guy” where we would get fucking lost in Thailand similar to the movie Hangover Part II. Not going to lie, his offer to get lost was pretty tempting but I am a new man (no I’m not, it’s day 4).

During peak tourist season (before Covid), classes are packed, around 20 students. Today, it was just myself and a cute little French couple (I call everyone little that’s a foot shorter than me). They spoke a tiny bit of English but very conversational. They asked “What’s your favorite French food?” For fear of sounding like a dumb American and saying French Onion Soup, which is legit my favorite French food, I said Foie Gras, to which they looked at me like I was a dumb American. I actually hate Foie Gras but I do this thing where if I’m having a brain fart I panic and say whatever comes to mind without thinking. I almost said Ménage a trois by accident, just so you understand my “panic mode.” Again, dumb American.

Hold up, some couple is yelling at each other outside my balcony, gotta snoop. Ok I’m back, it’s an Asian language I clearly don’t understand but after watching the finale of “You” last night…I’m just going to mind my fucking business.

Back to cooking class. Everything is made from scratch and the old school mortar and pestle is a must for making pastes that go into curry and dressings for salads.
- Red curry with beef and pumpkin: crushed it, I felt like Steph Curry with the sauce boy (pun on Drake lyric). If you can’t understand my puns and humor just stop reading now, thanks for your time.
- Tom Yum Soup: I order this sweet and sour delight almost every time back home but this was better. Spicy Thai Sour Patch Kids soup. What’s not to like.
- Pad Thai: here is where I fucked up. From my training, I should know that aluminum pans get very hot very fast but I wasn’t paying attention because there was a cute dog watching my cook and reminded me of Winston. The pan got scorching hot and the garlic & shallots didn’t stand a chance. At that moment I wondered how much money it would take to get out of Thai prison but thank the Elephant God they were merciful. I came back strong and delivered a dish tourists would be proud of.
- Not pictured, Papaya Salad: this is the salad that made me legit cry and wash my face last time I ate it my first day here. Thai chilis are hot, very fucking hot. About 5x hotter than a jalapeño in my opinion but wrong when we’re spitting facts. Thai chilis are about 50-100k on the Scoville Heat scale, compared to 2.5-8k for jalapeños…therefore about 15x hotter. Why is this relevant? Because of our dear, sweet little French couple who do not know what spicy means. I warned them to use 1/4 of what we were told to use and they did not listen to the dumb American. They were rushed to the sink to wash their face and were given lots of water (this doesn’t help at all FYI, you need dairy, but what do I know).

After completion of the course it was time to eat everything we made and were given a certificate of completion. This brought back some very sad memories as I was never allowed to finish my culinary program and receive a graduate certificate due to the beloved pandemic. Friendly reminder to not eat Bats or if you are a conspiracy theorist, to not piss off rival governments for world domination. If you’re old enough and watched Pinky and the Brain when you were a kid, you should be smiling right now. Ellie, please ignore.

Smile on my face, belly full, I’m ready to hop back on my BMW motobike and head home when I notice a few of the Thai servers and cooks huddled up giggling and staring at me. I ask Molly what’s going on and she says, “You look like Adam….from Maroon 5.” If you know me and my ego, this was “Very Nice!” (In Borat voice). I inform her I’m a few tattoos short, a few inches taller, several million dollars poorer, not lyrically or musically gifted, but I’m not not Adam Levine. So, I laugh and say “maybe I am.” She’s confused, then smiles, then confused again. I stop fucking with her and tell her I’m not Adam Levine but thank you for the compliment. She wants a picture anyway, as do the other women working at the Blue Elephant. This reminded me of the boys trip to Korea and Japan where no one was really sure if we were celebrities or not, so they asked for pictures just to be safe.

Remember when I told you the shady dude rented me a motorbike (I would say scooter but this makes it sound more badass plus it’s what they call it here)? Well I was too excited to check the tires and the rear tire blew up on my speedy ride home. Thank god it wasn’t the front one or Winston would grow up without a father. Joie doesn’t count, he’s the funcle.

Tomorrow is my Muay Thai personal training sesh, gotta get some sleep. The couple next door seems to have fixed their issues, or perhaps took a page from “You’s” book. Won’t ruin it if you haven’t seen it, but someone dies.Read more