Disaster on Ben Nevis

It was a normal September morning in the Scottish HIghlands, when New Zealander, Courtney Fagan and Man who doesn't know where he is from, Jamie Armstrong arrived at the Glen Nevis Visitors Centre and embarked on their journey towards the highest peak in Great Britain.

The majority of their walk was uneventful, Mr Armstrong tried to name all songs which had a step theme to it, and decided that Stairway to Heaven was the most appropriate song for their Journey. Miss Fagan decided she had enough of Mr Armstrong talking crap about stairs and pushed him down the mountain to show him what the stairs really felt like (in her mind). Their ascent continued and at about 800m the clouds set in, and Mr Armstrong could no longer see through his mist covered glasses. Miss Fagan took this as her opportunity to run and hide to scare Mr Armstrong, but got too cold because Mr Armstrong had to constantly stop because he couldn't see where he was going.

Fast forward an hour, and Miss Fagan and Mr Armstrong reach the summit in a time of 2 hr 25 min - Not bad considering the mean time is 4 hours to reach the top, but when the record to run to the top and back is 1 hr 25 min, Miss Fagan felt slightly inadequate. Mr Armstrong reports that a few photos were taken, however due to Miss Fagan being a weak NZer and nearing hypothermia, the view of the heavy clouds and mist could not be enjoyed for more than 10 minutes."I told her to put more clothes on, but she just yelled at me and told me she didn't want another penguin biscuit". It was after this point where Miss Fagan conceeded to putting her gloves on but because her fingers oouldn't move anymore, Mr Armstrong had to dress her like a child "She couldn't move her fingers, so I did the manly thing and put her gloves on for her, except her little finger wouldn't fit because it was frozen solid at a 90 degree angle, It took me 5 attempts to get her gloves on, but eventually I covered her little sausages".

Due to the cold setting in, Miss Fagan decided it would be a great idea to jog down the mountain and convinced Mr Armstrong of her plan "It was pretty easy, he just does everything I say anyway, that's how relationships work don't they?". Although Mr Armstrong conceded that he had agreed easily to "jog down the mountain" he disagreed with the insinuation that he had only done so because he is whipped "I just wanted another Penguin Biscuit and they were in the car". They proceeded down the mountain, saying hello to everyone they met. A local climber who did not wanted to be named, said that they were disguistingly happy with themselves, especially the girl who had a weird little grin on her face "They came whizzing past and I stopped to ask them how much further to the top, the girl turned to me and said you're almost there, then laughed and told me I had two hours to go. Bitch"

Towards the bottom of the Mountain, Miss Fagan and Mr Armstrong slowed and spoke to other climbers who were starting their ascent. encouranging them along their way. Miss Fagan continued to walk on, when stepping off her 1 millionith rock of the day, disaster struck "I don't know what happened, one minute I was standing up, admiring the view and rocking my hot green jacket when nek minute I was on the ground". Miss Fagan apparently grabbed her ankle and once Mr Armstrong stopped humming stairway to heaven for the 100th time and realised what was going on, proceeded to quickly pick Miss Fagan up, took off her shoe, and noting the swelling, said "You'll be fine" and proceeded to drag her down the mountain, knowing if she stopped her foot would have seized up and would no longer be able to walk. Mr Armstrong made promises of Shetland Ponies and Highland cows if Miss Fagan was able to get down off the mountain without the mountain rescue being called, which to his delight and because she is so tough, she made it back to the car in relatively one piece.

On return to the Vistors centre, Miss Fagan's ankle was inspected and was noted to be heavily swollen with slight brusing. Miss Fagan reported hearing a snap at the time of impact with the ground, however, no medical attention has yet been sought due to Miss Fagan wanting to see if it improves overnight. An XRay may be required at a local hospital in the morning. "It is quite painful, but I can kinda walk on it. Just take me to my Shetland Ponies" Unpreterred by the potential break in her ankle, Mr Armstrong and Miss Fagan went to celebrate climbing up the highest mountain in the United Kingdom with Chickpea Soup, followed by a search for Highland Cows.

In other news, the Loch Ness Monster has still not been found after another extensive day of searching. Jamie Armstrong, media whore, took to Loch Ness in his Speedos this afternoon hoping to scare Nessy out of the water with his pasty white legs. It appears that the only things Mr Armstrong was able to scare was the water out of the water when he waded in to discover the water depth was only 5 inches thick as far as the eye could see. "It was a heavily disappointing day" Mr Armstrong stated "My speedos are still dry".

Mr Armstrong and Miss Fagan's evening concluded with a Bon Fire at their little AirB&B located at Speen Bridge with some wine, cheese and a fat ankle.Read more