December 2016 - January 2017
  • Day9

    Mutts & Muay Thai

    January 8, 2017 in Cambodia ⋅ ⛅ 4 °C

    08/01/17

    BangKok

    Walk a few k to the market which is meant to be mental with squirrels dancing in dresses but unfortunately we don't see any....(suppose this is a good thing)

    The highlight of our clothes shopping is discovering several shops who sell cheap second hand t shirts, all previously belonging to clubs or outings. There was the 2011 Texas PD golf tournament, dodgems graduation 2008, the Boston 5k.... It was brilliant sifting stuff.

    After scouring the normal clothes and home wear sections of this fantastic market we break and ask at the information desk for an animal section. This is the moment... Noblet is on standby to call me donkey!!!! But she knew!! It's a thing, and gave us to directions to somewhere off the map!

    We get there and immediately there are puppies everywhere!!! Very fluffy ones which are popular in such a hot country .... Weird?? How can you have huskies when winter is 30 degrees? Theres a lot of them.
    We used to pass a husky in Sale and that way dying in 15 degree heat every day lying down.

    There were rabbits and guinea pigs and cockatoos. But also crazy animals that we couldn't describe cute and fury. Flying squirrels, hedge hogs, all types of monkies, crazy reptiles including massive turtles and snakes and lizards which looked like they were from jurassic park!!

    We had our fill and Noblet failed to procure 'tentacle on a stick' having walked past around ten stalls selling it. I gamble on some chicken on a stick and as standard its fit!!!

    Round off with coconut ice cream and head of to the Thai Army TV Channel 7 Muay Thai boxing show!

    We get in (you have to wear a black or white t shirt with the whole king being dead thing)

    Enter into a 1000 person capacity stadium. Whities in a corner opposite the camera, stacked on bleacher seating. The poor people sitting in front of Noblet had no chance with his size 13 feet and left early.

    We waited a couple of hours on this ex TV studio turned boxing ring and then the formalities started.

    The lads are paraded the TV presenter starts up and the crowd are as dull as dishwater.... I'm worried its going to be gash.

    Then the lads start walking around the ring to the sound of bells, getting on all fours and doing the macarina. Once completed, touch gloves and the round starts. 3 judges. Music with bells which the lads (barely taller than the ropes) tap their feet to. Then the action starts and they're belting 7 shades out of each other.... I'm team red noblets team blue.
    The Blues have it to start flooring the red 3 times whipping his feet out from under him!!! But the red fights back... This sets the crowd off and hands are flying everywhere! These hands turn out to be bets with the fingers up noting the amount they want to put on a guy.... Someone in the crowd makes eye contact and the deal is done. The bets are on and the crowd is going mental with each blow! They shout eye ya if a knee is lifted and this goes for either team it's an amazing atmosphere!! Wowzer! Everyone gets louder and louder and then the bells go. Each guy and his team are convinced they've won whilst receiving their ice baths and leg massages in the corner. Round 2.... Same shiz but faster bells working the crowd.... Final round to a crazy fast bell ringing session working the crowd up into an absolute frenzy as hands fly everywhere telling the lads how to work and placing more bets!!!

    The final bell goes and the blues have it!! Wow AMAZING!!! Literally buzzing!!!

    Next round a guy (blue) gets knocked out and ends up sending a few of the tourists home as they realise this isn't for them! But we want blood!!!

    Next couple of rounds and the Reds have the day 4-1!

    We're about to leave when... There's another match... And it's children!!!! No more than 12 the lads haven't learnt to defend yet and are absolutely vicious!!! I hamper Noblet to put a bet on but he's all like 'what are the odds I don't know!?' GAYY!

    I get 100 out and wang it on blue. (Yes we're betting on children beating each other with no helmets or shin pads!) the guy accepts my bet from down below. We have no idea what is going on....
    Could have accidentally bet 1000 for all we know!

    The Blues loose and I quickly pay the guy to avoid becoming involved in some mafia/ army drama! The man is delighted having clearly got odds which made us a mug but meh!! It matters more when there's money on it!!!!

    We leave and head home via the bus stop to book our way out of BangKok to Cambodia tomorrow!! BUZZING!

    Great day rounded off with cheese and wine at the hotel!
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  • Day8

    I chilled on Sunday

    January 7, 2017 in Cambodia ⋅ ⛅ 28 °C

    07/01/17

    Bangkok

    Great plans failed after I was too hungover and Noblet too agreeable. We were due to visit a floating market and see some Muay Thai fighting.... But failed.

    Ended up playing squash instead (obviously Noblet beat me 5-0) but the rallies were marginally better and I got some points on the board.... I totally failed after last nights shinnanigans (can't live off 3hours sleep anymore!)Read more

  • Day7

    Mourning hasn't broken

    January 6, 2017 in Cambodia ⋅ ⛅ 28 °C

    06/01/17

    WARNING CONTAINS REFERENCES TO SEXUAL ACTIVITIES NOT BY US!

    We've decided to sack off the Chinese.

    A Chilled out brekka and we walk the 6k to the Grand Palace. There are tens of thousands of Thai people dressed fully in black queuing to pay their respects to the king.

    It's really intense to see this many people still in mourning. Even in the city most people are still fully in black. There are posters, shrines and billboards outside most shops, all public buildings and transport hubs. It's crazy he is everywhere and seems to be a pretty good guy who worked hard for his country. But tell you what the best bit is... Every day twice a day.... Everywhere plays the national anthem, and everyone stands bolt upright an still whilst its playing!!!! Once in the morning and once at night! I wish we could do this in the UK it's brilliant !!!!

    We visit this palace which is like Disney land. There are over one hundred buildings within 95 hectares which are all massive and in pretty much totally different contradictory architectural styles. It's an absolute mind f**k. Every where you look there is a building overlapping.

    Once we've done we are about to leave and the police start to tell us to sit down on the floor... We were like EH? Anyway look around and there's hundreds of people starting to sit down.... Do as we're told. Turns out the royal family are coming to see kingy. They drive past and there are very stern warnings to any person who tries to take a photo. Once they've passed everyone stands up and carries on with their business as if nothing has happened.

    We head home for some pool time as our mind is fully boggled!

    (As I am writing this sat at the pool there is the worlds slowest woman swimming. We're talking 3 inches a stroke) anyway....

    We go to China town which is abit like a strip, Noblet had some gorgeous duck and rice for only £1.25 but he complained there was only enough for a child. I had mango and sticky rice with coconut milk pretty fit but Noblet won the food choice competition. Not cool was that all the neon signs said shark fin here as a main attraction.

    Now we get a Tuk Tuk to the nightlife!

    **WARNING EXPLICIT**

    So we decide first to go to a bar to loosen us up for tonight's 'adult entertainment' few drinks in a sports bar where the majority of clientele are white 35-45 year old men. We're on the vodka. Tunes are pumping, footballs on and there are a lot of local girls trying it on with the boys with varying degrees of success!

    For instance there is a group of three lads around the 45 mark on a 'lads holiday' presumably. They are chilling around brushing off the girls but within a couple of drinks we start get the arm around and then the longing looks. They stay strong and don't opt for any funny business in this bar! I wonder if there resolve will last down the strip!?

    Then there's the lad about 28.... Who's absolutely smashed. He is having the time of his life dancing with a 6!(Girls will be referenced on a scale of 1-10) swaying all over her.

    Then there is Mr upstanding, dressed very well, stands straight who walks straight into the bar. I'm convinced he's here to get his mates then leave. This doesn't look like his kind of scene..... I'm gobsmacked he walks to the back of the pub, takes a 4 by the hand and marches her out of there, quick as you like!!! Wtf I'd defo got his measure wrong!

    Ok, time to go (Noblet went to the WC and the girls starts walking past me all touchy fml not for me thanks!)

    We head out to find Nana Plaza, 'the worlds largest adult playground' as they've branded it. To find it though we walk up and down the street looking for it and on the way spot some scantily clad girls, presumably up for a night out with their friends!

    We get to the plaza and there's a large centre courtyard with around 8 bars, then around the outside around ten bars with curtains across the entrances and bouncers on the door (I don't think they count as bouncers in this country as they're so small.... They're more like Thai uncles who're kind of cute so you don't want to annoy them.)

    We take the escalator up to the 2nd and then walk up to the 3rd in the back staircase where there are loads of girls in bikinis (there must be some sort of competition going on). They giggle... But in a kind of gruff way, looks like some of them have forgotten to shave their legs! Silly girls! They won't win like that!

    So all three floors of places are trying to get us in.... We start on the first floor, Noblet says we can watch some world class table tennis here which is strange in a bar but I love a bit of sport!

    We go in and sit on some booths, they're having a fancy dress competition, the girls are dressed as school girls, nurses etc. Beer is served and we await the match start... Except much to our disappointment it never comes! Instead we get girls sucking each other off with dildos, guys getting tied up and lap danced, girls getting off with guys in the crowd. We finish our beer and head out for another place Noblet has heard plays table tennis. This was obviously not what either of us expected.

    Well the next place was even worse... There were girls all dressed in bikinis (2s-6s) dancing on a stage riding some of the lads hand jobs the order of the day. Hats off for cleanliness though they all use anti bac when washing their hands after they 'go to the toilet'

    I'm like Noblet you're going to get donkey here if I don't get some world class sport. He's like, I don't know you try. So we walk around the majority of the plaza and I'm asking do you have table tennis (with actions) and they're all like no. He's obviously got it wrong so we try a final bar on the third. There's a lot of banging in there. The place is full and they sit us at the stage looking straight up into a girls hoof! As soon as someone leaves we're relocated nearer the back (I assume next to the changing rooms as there is a shower cubicle next to us) strange the glass looks into the bar... Think they mustn't use that until they close.... Oh no no no. A girls gets in, gets her imperial leather on and does what she likes with that shower head. She's pulling moonies and all sorts at Noblet through the glass!

    On the stage there's more class (5-7s) for the most part. Much biting, licking etc etc with good music and cheap beer. They later two you. Can't argue with.

    But on a serious note....

    As funny as it was. I REGRET GOING

    The problem was even though Thai girls look young, there were some who were clearly too young, they looked pre-pubescent. A couple were no older the 12. They had lingerie on and looked like kids at the beach. They were dancing like traveller girls but without the clothes. And then the bikini tops came off... They could have been boys (in this country especially). They got involved in all the sex show and were trying to get lads to pay for them. Some of the lads when she went in front of them looked full on ninety degrees away. To be fair to them. But some didn't.

    It was grim.

    Then in bar 2 with the bikini girls... They for the most part looked fucked (tired) and miserable. The girls in the other bars looked like they were enjoying themselves. But these lot didn't.

    We reckon this miserable lot could have been trafficked... They really didn't look like they wanted to be there at all. A lot looked from 15-22 age.

    So obviously we went.... And bought beers at these places, and probs made it feel less seedy to people as it was abit more like a show than a thing, and therefore we contributed to this awful industry. ERROR. I would not go again not recommend anyone go to any of these bars as I still feel pretty shit writing this a few days later!

    Went home after this (thinking at the time what a great night), had chicken on a stick, Noblet got fried, fried quail egg on a stick, I ripped up my trousers to use as toilet paper as it had been three places which didn't have toilet roll couldn't deal with a 4th, blissfully unaware at how annoyed I would be at myself for going!

    Man: Noblet getting us around the grand palace.
    Donkey: Noblet for not getting us to a table tennis 'match'
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  • Day6

    Chinese Squashed Voice

    January 5, 2017 in Cambodia ⋅ ⛅ 29 °C

    05/01/17

    Bangkok

    We are still in our super amazing luxurious fancy super awesome and high hotel (THANKS HAMMY!!!!!!) breakfast up on the 32nd floor looking over the city in the executive lounge is absolutely amazing! Noblet buzzing with anywhere that does a nice coffee so he is defo pleased in this place! I'm buzzing because they have a cheese platter for breakfast! It's basically CHRISTMAS!

    Once we finish Scranage we head to the Chinese embassy to try to sort our visa out. We get there and go up a high rise and queue for fast track... The woman gives us the forms and we have 40 minutes to get all the guff together! And what a lot of guff...

    Flights in and out of the country
    Hotel reservation copy
    Passport photo
    A typed declaration confirming we are tourists
    A massive form with everyone we knows details

    It takes ages to sort out and we're running out of time for the fast track service... Noblet goes back upstairs to queue whilst I finish off printing stuff... We get it done (1hour 20 mins) we're late, bust it upstairs to the queue where Noblet is stood just getting to the front.... Throw the papers down to the woman.... Get a ticket and get sent to wait in a waiting room. It's like being at Argos except the people there don't respect the ding and keep looking at their phone and missing their numbers.... This makes everything take forever we get through eventually and miss the fast track service.(Chinese accent to be imagined) "yeah yeah we also need your exact itinerary for all countries up until getting to China (presumably our nuclear weapon procurement programme) buy tickets to Beijing and a statement as to why we needed fast track (typed)", so we massively failed, this is a super ball ache.

    FFS

    We decide to sack Beijing off and gamble on a visa on arrival. Problem is if your flight is delayed you can get arrested.... But God loves a gambler!!!! GAMBLE GAMBLE!

    Head back to the hotel and walk round all the crazy markets for chicken on a stick. There isn't any. The markets are predominantly clothes, they are massive.

    Get back to the hotel and get to play squash!!!! Never played before. Noblets dreading it after the tennis fiascos of Egypt and South Africa! Anyway.... We do all right and get a few rallies going what a great sport!!! Literally loving it!!! So playing this when we get back!!

    Off to the free happy hour for yet more cheese followed by a trip to the neon markets!!

    Job done.

    What a fail of a day lol!!

    (Post day note holly fell asleep before the neon markets so Noblet went and said it was shiny and cheaper than the day markets)

    He also claims it had one of the bottom three singers we have heard so far on our trip.... But I cannot believe or verify this as what we have heard to date from Bali, Bajo, kohphagnan, anywhere in Thailand has been truly hideous.

    Man: holly for exiting the lift at the Chinese embassy with perfect timing

    Donkey: holly losing 7 games to 0 to Charlie and also thinking the squash was free. And also for drinking within 24 hours of saying she's not drinking again (as Charlie predicted)
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  • Day5

    Is this our Bangkoking hotel?!?!

    January 4, 2017 in Thailand ⋅ ☀️ 29 °C

    04/01/17

    We got in to Bangkok the usual hour or so late! Bloody Thai time is very irritating!

    We got a Tuk Tuk to take us to the hotel which hammy had booked for us.... We didn't actually know where it was as there were several hotels with the same name so we gambled.

    We got to this smashing hotel with this fancy pants entrance and a one way system and glass everywhere and more bell boys than you can shake a chicken on a stick at.

    We tentatively ask at reception if there is a reservation under noble. She looks at us puzzled (presumably because we look like beggars with my free t-shirt and noblets rug on his face).... And the smell. We're convinced we're at the wrong place its too awesome.... Especially as the woman is being so weird and taking ages... She's like, follow me please. To the 32nd floor where you'll check in!

    We're like waaaaat?!

    Get upstairs in the fastest lift ever, willy Wanka eat your heart out!! Then We're sat, overlooking the city, with a glass of fresh orange in a bloody executive suite WTF has just happened?!?!? Omg it's amazing!

    The woman checks us in, explains about 'complimentary' (why not say free its well more exciting!) breakfast and FREE HAPPY HOUR!!!

    hammy you legend!

    We got to the room and there were rose petals scattered everywhere as well as flowers, cake with 'happy honeymoon' a card from Dave (love Dave) more flowers fruit and champagne. Obvs on the 32nd floor BUZZING BUZZING BUZZING!!!!!!

    What did we do with the rose petals.... I shouldn't say.... But I will... We fell asleep straight on top of them. Woke up just in time for happy hour. All drinks included..... And a full buffets worth of food including a bloody cheese platter this day keeps getting better and better!!!

    HAMMY = LEGEND!

    Man: Noblet for knowing hammy! Eating his food all these years clearly paid off!

    Donkey: Charlie for not knowing where our hotel was before we travelled to another freaking country AGAIN!
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  • Day4

    Strangers in the night

    January 3, 2017 in Thailand ⋅ ⛅ 28 °C

    03/01/17

    Koh Phagnan to Bankok

    It's day three of a horrific never ending hangover.

    Noblet says it doesn't count if you get drunk in between but honestly I feel like I haven't smiled in days.

    There is a mega storm which has thunder the loudest we've ever heard and also the longest.... Some claps went on for more than 15 seconds right over our heads. The rain was absolutely bouncing.

    Whilst the weather breaks we check out of the hotel, I put my bag down.... And rip off my toenail again OMG fml this is totally noblets fault somehow!!!

    Finally manage some plain toast and chicken nuggets around 1pm which is progress.

    We are moving from the party island to BangKok today.

    We've decided to upgrade to a fancy pants boat after the night boat debarcle getting there.... It came with life jackets YEAH BOY! The guys who worked on the boat were still wearing black armbands for the king who died.

    Then a coach and night train in sleeper class to take us to BKK.

    Because we were trying to be clever we didn't book the sleeper train tickets until we got to the station. Only when we got there the sleeper tickets had all sold out!!! Ahh!!

    We managed to get the last two tickets for the 0000hrs train. This resulted in us being stuck in a dodgy area of town (Suratani) in yet more pouring rain for over 6 hours. I'm pretty sure this must be character building. Suratani is defo only a transport hub it's pretty grim!

    We get food from the street markets which is our fave bit about Thailand so far. They have all these little stalls set out with plastic tables and chairs and you just get what you like. Fupa was right chicken on a stick and rice is great!! As are banana and milk pancakes... Defs going to be on the menu for travelling Tuesday's. There is also shed loads of stuff which we have no idea what it is!! We go on a mooch to try to get some steps in and kill some time.

    An eternity of waiting gets us on to the train which is due to get in at 1030hrs. (10.5 hour journey). We're all set for an Indian sleeper (freezing, rickety, squatting WCs) but much to our delight the thing is basically from the future! There's bed sheets, a pillow, a curtain and plug socket for each bed! There's a sitting toilet WITH TOILET ROLL! Air con lights and a TV which shows you where we are on the journey!! It's brilliant! And for £22 what a bargain! Imagine that in the UK it would be more like £350!

    Donkey: Noblet for wanting to take a 200 odd mile trip to go and see a pottery museum.

    Man: Holly for managing to smile again
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  • Day3

    I like pina colada!

    January 2, 2017 in Thailand ⋅ ☀️ 24 °C

    02/12/16

    Ko Phangan

    2 day hangover now coming to an end

    We have beer, some more beer and some more beer

    Noblet has Noname for lunch.... We still don't get what it is and can only assume google translate got it wrong.

    The weather is decidedly average again so we meander up and down the beach a few times until we end up at this bar in a cove.

    It's a tiny shack and you sit on the floor outside a tattoo parlour .... The tattoo artist drank with us for an hour before starting work on his next customer lol! They use a sharpened bamboo stick to get it boxed off. The waves are lapping at out feet, the guys start a bonfire.... All is well.

    Noblet buys the guy a beer as he lost at connect 4 massively loosing under pressure!! BOTTLE JOB!

    I'm on Mai Tai for a few hours as we chat American politics with a guys who worked for the Bernie Sanders campaign, a couple who have given up work age 40 something and now just travel about, a Russian who has left the country for the first time (from Siberia) and a few others.... Details become more sketchy as the longest day ever keeps going! It needs to rain its doing my nut in!!

    Apparently Noblet stopped drinking and I didn't leading to a difficult walk home for both of us! Whupps!!

    Forgot to have tea again!

    Man: Charlie - getting drunk holly home
    Donkey: holly - being drunk holly
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  • Day2

    Happy New Year

    January 1, 2017 in Thailand ⋅ 🌬 29 °C

    01/01/16

    Happy new year

    Don't talk to me .... I'm going to sleep.

    6pm... Arise beers with scouser's at the pool

    Injuries sustained seem to include

    Small neck burn from fallen fire works
    Increase in mosquito bites
    Sore jaw (think I've been punched)
    Sore eye socket (maybe twice lol)
    One lost pair of shoes
    One lost debit card
    Two steaming hangovers!

    Totes worth it!!
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  • Day1

    Full Moon Party

    December 31, 2016 in Thailand ⋅ ☀️ 30 °C

    31/12/16

    FULL MOON PARTY!

    Yeah!!! Big night coming but we have to sit through a full gala at the hotel (has free cocktails so not that dramatic) we watch the housekeeping staff do some god awful Thai dance moves. Then some Muay Thai boxing were some 6/7 year olds beat the crap out of each other with no gumshield, head guard etc. More terrible dancing. Some out of tune xylophone playing, th bar guy juggling fire filled glass bottles and then dropping them and nearly burning down the stage. Wow it was like a spoof brilliant.

    We're getting in the spirit and head out for the 40 minute drive to the party! Meet with some Aussies and a couple of irritating media type Brits. Good crack on the way!

    We get there! 20-30,000 people are going nuts it is sick!

    First things first we get our rave paint on which I thought I was totally over but it turns out I'm back to being 20 again! Then we go in and get out buckets. A bucket is a kids bucket from the beach with a full bottle (150ml) of your poison .... Absolute, Bacardi etc with a few mixers.... They are lethal.

    Meet up with a few of noblets work mates and get on it. There are all kinds of music as the bars are all lined up on the beach front so you can shock out to the music you like.

    We were going millibobdown and the DJ was like, hey guys if anyone can go help someone's drowning at the back. He says this a few times and no one seems to go so we decide to go and see if we can help. Out of about 1000 people at this bar only about 8 bothered, but we reckon everyone just assumed there were life guards... We couldn't see any.

    The weather was rough, as was the sea. People were leaving the beach in their droves, the weather was that bad loads of people inc Noblet had to get involved in pushing the boats out off the beach. Only around 10% of the people on the boats had life jackets, it was really crazy and defo unsafe!

    We sent one of the Aussies home just before new year she was sapping it a bit as she had bad sunburn.... Obvs we have them some shit for getting burnt in the first place!

    12 came around and the fireworks were about to be set off. But loads of people were sat on the fireworks!!!! Wtf!!!? Eventually they started firing them (there was no cordon) and the Sparks started flying all over everyone and they were such hot Sparks!!! Loads of people got really bad burns we just got hit a few times. The problem was everyone was trying to get away and there was a stampede. One girl got her ankle broken and a guy got killed. It was pretty shit.

    Also we found out the next day that a 27 year old Canadian girl died in the waves so not a great advert for this event.

    We didn't know this at the time so the night went on... We got separated and met back at the hotel 8 hours later, non of us with much recollection after the countdown!

    Apparently we had seen flame skipping ropes, flaming hoops that people were jumping through and general debortuary.

    It was absolutely brilliant and up there with Ibiza. Obviously the deaths just put a dampener on things!

    Man: Noblet for being a human shield to a very large Australian.

    Donkey: Noblet for nearly eating a massive shrimp which was totally raw and still fully shelled eyes on and freezing cold!
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