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  • Day 9

    A flurry through St Petersburg

    October 17, 2017 in Russia ⋅ ☁️ 7 °C

    Three full days in St Petersburg wasn't enough to do it justice - particularly when our days were packed full of events and scurrying to and fro on buses. About 170 people came to St petersburg, so more time was spent doing head counts than actual sightseeing, however now that I'm in sochi (I'm massively behind on these blogs), I dont regret participating in the regional program at all. It's much easier to mingle when there are 170 people, compared to the 25,000 in sochi. All my friends I made were from the regional program, and at Petersburg is so beautiful. It has been a real highlight of the trip.

    There has been this interesting dynamic at the WFYS festival - it has been heavily funded by the Russian government, which has been in contention with the organisers of the World Federation of Democratic Youth. The regional program particularly was funded to promote russian tourism, which I have no issue in supporting - just not at the expense of leftist discussion. The regional program did generally balance this pretty well, but often we felt like celebrities in a tourism add.

    I am so grateful I wrote a long cover letter for my application to this festival, and I'm lucky that there are comparatively few Aussie participants. In St Petersburg, I was selected to attend a session of the youth parliament, as a participant of the WFYS festival representing Australia. I've attended peace conferences, but it was interesting being in a parliament session where everyone has different opinions, politics and agendas. Unfortunately my translator earpiece wasn't working, so I couldn't understand the passionate speech given by the Cuban representative, nor the heated discussion between Israel and sympathisers with Palestine. It was very interesting and an honour to be chosen as one of five people to observe this session. At first I was really passionate, wanting to start a career in politics of diplomacy, but as the session wore on, and in the following days at the festival, I've realised the value in NGOs, particularly the value in peace activism.

    The issue I have with peace conferences - or any large gathering of like minded people - is it becomes a repetition of rhetoric. In Hiroshima for the conference on the abolition of nuclear weapons, I dont know how many times we sang 'we shall overcome' and spoke about the horrors of nuclear war, but there was little talk on 'how' this would be achieved. The same was true for the parliament session, where most people spoke about the importance of youth involvement in politics, with little real step forward - so, if we need more youth in politics, lets promote education! Workshops! Volunteer groups! Exchange programs! The next step in coming up with ideas on how to achieve the goals always seems to be lacking. If I worked as a politician or as a diplomat, having to tow the line might make me angered with the bureaucracy of such large democratic systems. NGOs have a smaller reach perhaps, but you can be a part of the direct change, and create grass roots movements to lobby to the powers that be to make a policy change. This is all something I will have a serious think about once I'm home in Australia.

    The five of us selected for the parliament session the next day met in a round table discussion with the chairman of foreign affairs in St Petersburg, and the head of the St petersburg economics university. This was mainly to promote tourism to the city of Petersburg, and there was a lot of 'I love russia, yes I would love to come back, your city is beautiful.' I didn't mind doing this almost sycophantic work, as it was all true - russia is glorious and the negative American stereotypes need to be eradicated. The most beautiful moment from this meeting was when we asked the chairman what he wanted us to take away from our time in St Petersburg. We expected him to say 'the high culture of the hermitage' or 'the spectacular rich architecture'. His reply instead was 'St r petersburg has seen much war - please take away from our city a sense of unity and peace.' I did leave old Leningrad with this feeling, particularly after partying with friends from Africa, south America, West Asia and the Middle East, and all the Europeans and Russian students. It is a wonderful city.

    They say the hermitage takes at least three days to see every room. So they allocated us 1.5 hours, on a busy weekend. If I can have a (rightly so too) unpopular opinion - although the hermitage was beautiful and extravagant, I think I liked chatsworth and the Vatican more. Chatsworth house in the peak district of England is a manor house still lived in - you get to see the bedrooms built to sleep royalty, and the ballrooms and drawing rooms. It felt like a house, albeit an excessive one. The hermitage was mainly destroyed during the revolution, but was painstakingly rebuilt afterwards. It is now more a gallery than a house, and a busy one that is ironic as 'hermitage' means 'lonely place' given its sheer size. I think this fact is a perfect conclusion to the history of the building - the gaudy lifestyle of Katherine and the Romanovs with their millions of paintings (if you spent 2 minutes looking at each of her paintings, it would take you 6 years to view them all), you can understand why the communist revolution burnt the building to the ground. Their people were starving whilst the Romanovs lived in unbelievable luxury. It is nice to see this space is now a gallery, open to the average man. Our tour guide deserves a mention of her own, she was one of the most elegant women I have ever beheld. She knew so much about the Romanovs, and was so proud of old St petersburg history, but had interesting side comments on the Russian tendency to personality cults - whether it be the Romanovs family, Lenin, or now Putin. She was wonderful and embodied the grace and history of the hermitage, and the somewhat uncertain future of Russia.

    Where we spent 1.5 hours at the Hermitage - the most famous and beautiful palace in Europe - we spent around 5 hours the next day playing sport and visiting the FIFA stadium. I was so disappointed about this when I first saw it in the itinerary, but it was actually really nice to run around after all the sightseeing and discussions. The sports were vaguely based on the soviet гом excessive regimes, where their tag line was something like 'be healthy for labour and defence of the soviets!'. The one activity me and thankfully a couple of other communist comrades found a bit sickening was the laser rifle shooting. Like I said earlier, this festival has been a tug of war between WFDY and Russia, but perhaps in this aspect Russia won. How can you shoot guns at a peace festival? I was giving off about it to my English comrade, and a Russian local volunteer disagreed wholeheartedly with us, saying that the guns weren't real and that it's to re-enact the winter Olympics where you cross country ski and shoot guns at targets. Still, a gun is one of these images - like a rose or a dove - whose symbolism proceeds it, and that symbolic metaphor has no place in such an event...
    That all said, I shot 10/10 targets, and was first in my group to do so. Although I am a peace activist, the fascists should watch out if they face me in a revolution! Pew pew!

    After running around, we had a farewell dinner and headed back to the hotel around midnight, where I had to be up at 4am to catch my flight to sochi. I have never had such little sleep as my time in Russia at this festival. I can't say I haven't packed everything in, but as my lack of blogging shows, I'm exhausted, out of eyedrops, and dodging the dubbed 'sochi flu'. I will definitely come back to St petersburg (maybe even to study?) to absorb the city and its culture more. This whirlwind trip was just a taste of future travels.
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  • Day 6

    Beautiful Moscow

    October 14, 2017 in Russia ⋅ ☁️ 5 °C

    What is Moscow like? The worries and warnings were not warrented at all. This is a glorious city. I'm now quite fascinated with how these negative stereotypes came about. The second world war and the American cold war propaganda is still such a strong influence over at least Australia's impressions of this country.

    The buildings are really beautiful, and so pristine. There are so many different architecture styles, so many different colours, no peeling paint, and perfect mosaics on some of the fancy hotels. There are quite a few covered for renovations, but the covering is often printed with the picture of the building, so the street scapes are still beautiful. I wonder if Moscow is always like this, or if it's all spruced up for this WFYS conference and for FIFA next year.

    The people are serious, until you approach them in most cases. Even the military guards and police who patrol the streets are quite friendly if you need to ask for directions. The younger generation are darling, often with good English. If you ask something stupid though, they will probably laugh at you - today I went to the tekrakov gallery and left my ticket in my bag which I'd cloaked. The old woman shook her head at me and laughed and threw her hands around when I ran back to get it - this is usually in good humour though.

    The restaurants are also very glorious. So neat and fancy. Although I don't know what Moscow was like 30 years ago in the soviet era, the stereotype is that everything is that brutal architecture and not beautiful. Everything is practical rather than beautiful. This is the opposite I feel. Since the city is for everyone - every proletariat worker - the whole city is beautiful, and has the aim of accommodating everyone. Moscow's circular city map and large open spaces are a testament to this.

    The train stations built by Stalin are the most beautiful I've ever seen, and they are not grand in the way the hermitage is grand - as a gawdy show of wealth and disregard for those 'lower' than you, but they represent a beauty open for everyone, in a very public space, with beautiful brass statues of us, the workers. Not queens or gods, but poets and labourers.

    Moscow is easily one of my favourite cities in Europe. The pride the locals have in their city, shown in the way they keep it so immaculate and their willingness to show you around; the mesh of architecture from classic, to baroque (so much baroque in Russia!) and the soviet buildings make it a literal museum of its vibrant history. Don't be scared of Moscow. Don't believe the American cold war rhetoric. Come to russia and see this glorious country and its capital for yourself. And after you've done some sightseeing, wash it all down with a bowl of hot borscht.
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  • Day 6

    Many Friends and Little Sleep

    October 14, 2017 in Russia ⋅ ⛅ 6 °C

    I've been awake for over 30 hours, so today has been a big long blur where I met the most interesting, softly passionate people from more countries than I ever have before. It's been over stimulating on a tired brain, but I'm revved up to see what this will be like when I'm not exhausted.

    Today was the first day of the World Federation of Youth and Students festival, where my accepted application to participate in the regional program has seen me flown off to St Petersburg as an interim to Sochi. Our flight was at 6am, but for some ungodly reason we had to arrive at the airport at 2am. It is interesting to see how bureaucracy runs in different countries. The Japanese bureaucratic systems blew my mind, and it took me 3 months of cultural shock to get used to living there. From what I can see so far, in Russia there are many (perhaps pointless?) steps you have to go through before you get anywhere, and things may happen very slowly, but it will always get done. There are about 170 of us in St Petersburg, and though there are much better ways I think this could be run, it is effective if lacking in efficiency, but we do get everything done. Nothing is missed.

    It is astounding how many people from so many different countries I have met in the past 24 (?) hours. I've had discussions with Davis from Uganda on the state of his continent and country, and his struggle to bring the ideas from these conferences into action in his country. I'm amazed at how little I know about Africa and its countries. He told me about its corruption, but that there are small signs that things are changing. The young people are getting motivated. The African deligation are so very accomplished - many of them are already diplomats. Davis has visited Perth for a conference, and Moses from Kenya has done work in Canberra. It's embarrassing that I'm speaking in English to a beautifully kind man from Uganda about Tony Abbott and the mining industry in WA, when I know barely anything about Uganda. Privilege is a brain numbing, shameful thing. I wish I could speak several languages like these wonderful people, but at least I can say I have travelled which gains so much life experience, and I hope I learn how to properly listen and ask intelligent questions.

    Australians are so passive and disinterested. We have such issue with intelligence. Today I spoke over dinner with my room mate - a girl Ana from Costa Rica who is also an anthropologist. We discussed the ways in which you could better give welfare to indigenous people. Over appetisers I chatted with a German and an Englishman, comparing our healthcare systems. I hung out with a group of Indian and Pakistani boys, and they joked about the tensions between their countries, and then we all joked about colonialism as we waited outside the hermitage. It's so refreshing to have conversation - fun and inspiring conversation about things other than sport and shitty reality TV.

    What's interesting also is that I feel I get along best with, or maybe 'get' the culture of particularly British, South East Asian and some Indian participants better than some other cultures of people, purely off the cultural expectations. This is also true in general for chatting to women over men. Culture is so interesting, and although it is easy to spark a conversation with anybody, and respect and a happy heart gets you many friends, some people you just mesh with straight away, purely off the expectations on how to act. I do thank Australia for this - many different cultures make up the tapestry of our country, and we have a relatively equal, comparatively feminist society which allows us to blend in relatively freely. We must cherish this, not try to destroy it.

    This is going to be a really eye-opening, amazing experience. But right now my eyes burn and I have forgotten what sleep feels like. Time for some shut-eye.
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  • Day 5

    Let's Rock

    October 13, 2017 in Russia ⋅ ☁️ 9 °C

    A night out in Moscow. I can't imagine a night more weird or fantastic.

    Me and two of the girls from Brisbane stopped by this bar 'Let's Rock' to catch some live music. I am really keen to hear more Russian music, watch more Russian films, to start immersing myself in Russian pop culture. Unfortunately the old man band sang old American rock music but this in its own way added to the nostalgic Russian feeling (note I found Rasputin - STILL alive and now playing the drums).

    We are still Jet-lagged so rocked up to the Lets Rock bar at around 7pm - a bit too early for big drinking and loud music. They had a huge drinks menu, with cocktails around $8. I found a 'shot' of absynthe, rum and two other liquors so ordered that. When is Moscow, hey? I was planning on doing the shot as my friends were finishing their beers so we'd all be on the same level, but when the 'shot' came, the waitress lit the Martini glass of alcoholic cocktail on fire, sprinkled some salt on it and handed me a straw. She picked up two shot glasses of coke and lemon juice and said to me 'ready?'.

    The best thing about travelling is just jumping in. In to a culture, in to out-of-your-comfort-zone situations, and going with the flow, even if you have no idea what that entails. I had no idea what I was about to happen, or the consequences, but i was sure as hell ready for it.

    'I'm ready!'
    She poared the shots into the flaming Martini glass and yelled at me 'Go! Go! Go!'. I plunged the straw into the blue flames and sucked the licorice liquid down. A firy green fairy.

    We then listened to the music and ordered a shisha. I've smoked shisha in Japan and Aus, and it always comes in different flavours. I wrote in google translator 'can we have apple or watermelon flavour'? The man in the white turtle neck organising out hookah shook his head with a laugh. He did an 'ok' symbol with his fingers and shook his head, and I figured that they don't do flavours in Russia.

    The shisha arrived in Moscow time (a bit late but it arrived), and was just water tobacco. It felt stronger than what I'm used to (I don't smoke), so that coupled with the jet lag and alcohol made me a bit light headed. Me and Zoe chatted about Russia and listened to the music. By around 10pm we left the bar.

    On the walk home I passed, in quick succession, a horse, and a man in a bunny suit holding a tiny pigwidgeon owl. I took a photo of the horse, to prove it wasn't the alcohol seeing these animals in the middle of the street. I found this so hilarious - what a wild city!

    I was so exited and overwhelmed with the weird and wonderful Moscow, that I drunk called my dad in Melbourne at 6am his time (sorry dad), and walked back to the hostel.
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  • Day 4

    Shades of Grey

    October 12, 2017 in Russia ⋅ ⛅ 7 °C

    I haven't written as many blogs as I would like, but I've got about 4 planned. The big ones that I am stewing on are my 'epiphany' blogs - one to communicate just how safe, clean, beautiful, and underrated Moscow is. What is the west's fear of this country as a tourist destination? Is it just the difficulty in getting a visa? Is it anti communist, cold war sentiment? Moscow is honestly as beautiful as Paris in many ways, but in my opinion safer. And less tourists, so more authentic culture at your fingertips (less tourist traps!). However, I'll leave this to a different post to give it justice. The jet lag is bad today (my night last night is another blog post on its own!), and I feel so exhausted but wired at the same time. I'm going to push on till at least 6.30 then try to sleep.

    The biggest blog, and the biggest question - the reason why I travelled all this way to russia - is to understand what *was* the Soviet union. What do the Russians think about their history? Was it horrible living under socialism, or was it an equal society? How has the Soviet era influenced russia today? Mostly, I want to see what russia is like now, and compare it to what my parents and grandparents experienced when they visited the soviet union in the 70s and 80s. My blood is red (literally and figuratively), but I want to understand these systems and ideals I've been brought up with and form my own 'unbiased' opinion as much as I can. An opinion through experience and reflection. I wanted to come here and just let it wash over me, and to hopefully get a chance to talk to locals about their opinions since they live in this society, and I live in Australia which has never experienced revolutuon. In the conference I'll have discussions about anti imperialism, but in the cities I want to absorb like a clean sponge.

    This morning I met with a comrade from Sydney also attending the Sochi festival, and we went to visit Lenin in his mousoleum in Red Square. You can't come to Moscow and not see Lenin. I was trying to go there as a left-leaning cleanish sponge, but I actually found seeing Lenin's mummified body a bit like a religious experience. It's free to see Lenin, you line up and they check your bags, then let you in. You take off your hat and have to be respectful with no photos. The mosoleum is quite grand, which initially really annoyed me. In communism there shouldn't be personality cults, altimately communism in its final stages sees the witheringly away of the state, so no glorified leaders. Mummifying Lenin goes against everything he worked for - equality for the workers. I don't agree with this old statement now, I think honouring Lenin like this has its purpose. Revolution doesn't happen over night, and when you are inspiring very impoverished workers, they will initially need a figurehead to relate to and to follow. Re: jesus *cough*

    When we faced Lenin, me and my comrade Jay bowed almost simultaneously to his plasticised body. It felt wrong to just walk by without some sort of salute, or throw of a coin, or crossing of your heart. It felt like a real religious experience for me. So much for going in as a clean sponge!

    At Lenin's grave we met a Russian boy; 'you know he has no brain?' referring to Lenin. Of course he meant this literally - Lenin is mummified after all. Maybe this was our chance to hear about what a local thinks about their country and its past. Did he think Lenin was brainless while he was alive in 1917? We sparked up a conversation with lovely Ilya, and next we knew he was showing us around his wonderful city, allowing us to ask him all the hard questions like 'what do you think of communism?', 'do you like Putin?', 'what politics do you follow?', 'what do you think of Russia's involvement in Syria?', 'what do you think about homosexuals?'. We wandered for hours around Moscow with a moscovite, discussing Russia's past, present and future, while souvenir shopping and taking photos. It is exactly what you want when you travel, and ilya fell into our laps at the perfect time.

    The conclusion summary of what at least one Russian youth thinks about politics? Basically that there is a lot of grey. I have been coming back to this so often in my own hunt for the 'truths' of politics and news. I feel Aussies or Western culture particularly think in black and white. Not only in the right wing 'you're either with us or against us' terrifying mentality, but in the left where anyone against America must be the 'good guys'. Ilya's general mantra with everything was 'there is some good, and some bad, it is impossible to be all just one side'. He was generally pacifist on political matters. He wanted Russia to not get involved in Syria. He thought Putin has done some good, but he's been in power too long and is corrupting the government. He stressed that he just wants democracy, and is more liberal in his views, but doesn't affiliate with a political party or system. He was against the storage of personal data on the internet, which is a big topic for many young Russians, with gaol terms if you repost something against the state or against the Russian orthodox Church. He loved to travel, and said London 'is my dream city',but lamented that the visa process for Russians to travel even to Europe is so strict. He complained that Russians don't smile enough, and seem too serious. He explained that they are proud of their soviet history, because it achieved so much, but admitted it also had bad aspects. 'There is always good and bad, it's impossible to be just one side'. He mentioned the success of the education system under socialism, where illiteracy was eradicated in a very short time, and the success of the soviet football team.

    He walked us to arbat shopping street where he works in a Starbucks. We passed the green building where stalin was layed out after his death so people could show their respect, next to the old communist political building, which is still a political building today, complete with hammer and sickle on the top. We walked past the Lenin library, and chatted about Russian literature - how in Russia they honour intelligence and high art, whereas in Australia we honour conquerors who killed aboriginal people, or popular sports stars.

    Nothing is black and white - that is what we can learn from Russia. We are made up of many people, all different, all with different opinions. There is no such thing as 'good' and 'bad' - we all need to get this infantile Hollywood slogan out of our heads.

    He just wants equality, a country free from corruption, and more pacifist. This I think we all can get behind this idea. This is not a question necessarily even of capitalism or communism. It's a question of acceptance, peace, and recognising that everything comes in shades of grey.
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  • Day 3

    Sunrise over Moscow

    October 11, 2017 in Russia ⋅ ⛅ 8 °C

    My twenty something hours of travel went as well as you can expect. My legs ached, my back and butt hurt more, and my nose started bleeding from all the crappy airplane air-conditioning. Surely if we sent man to the moon in the 60s (and the Russians sent the first cosmonaut into space before that!) we should have invented teleportation by now.

    Russian customs was fine, despite what I'd heard. Such has been my experience so far of this glorious city! The big Russian lady looked at me with a serious face, then giggled to her neighbour as she stamped my humanitarian visa and passport and sent me on my way. I used my first Russian then, asking зто багаж? (it is the luggage?) while pointing to what looked to me like the exit to the arrivals gate. She said 'da' and I walked off, not wanting to hold her up any more than was necessary, but unsure if my bag would be on the other side of the door.

    Luggage and jet lag in tow, I found my taxi transfer driver. He shook my hand with a firm grip and a smile and said 'hello Fiona, I am Vladimir. Welcome to Moscow!' and grabbed my suitcase and was off to his taxi. I trotted behind him. It was the perfect welcome to Москва!

    The hour and a half drive in Moscow peak hour gave me a good view of the city. In a haze I watched the outer derolict suburbs change into the grandeur of Moscow central. There were sporadic glimpses of statues of Lenin and Russian orthodox churches as the taxi sped on. The thing I have noticed in a few countries is the landscapes driving in to the city from an airport. There are usually plots of land with few houses, to buffer from the noise of the planes. In Borneo, this buffer zone was the first time I saw jungle, with vines hanging between the trees. In Japan, the big highways had truck drivers texting on pink phones while driving. In London, the double decker buses and Edwardian streets looked like something from a Sherlock episode. In Moscow, there were fields of brilliant silver birch trees, their leaves just starting to change colour. The sun was rising and the sky was a light light blue with thin white clouds. It was a beautiful sight. I knew I would like Moscow from these orange and white trees.

    I took some blurry photos of the streets on the way to my Godzillas Hostel. They are a contrast to the photos of Moscow city, but this first impression was a strong one for me. Jet-lagged, I showered and headed out straight away to Red Square to try to find my new friends- three girls from Brisbane who are also attending the WFYS festival and staying in the same hostel. And all russian language learners! I found red square, in all its glory, and the photo below shows my exhaustion and relief that Russia -you're gonna be all right. My first sunrise in Moscow that was 20 hours in the making was a glorious one.
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  • Day 1

    Good Luck with the Bad Stuff

    October 9, 2017 in Australia ⋅ ⛅ 17 °C

    It is customary, when I travel, to keep a travel blog. My old blog travelpod.com has been shut down, so I'm trying out this new one. As with all things digital, this one seems more suited for short captions and pictures rather than full essays like I intend to write. We will see how it goes.

    I'm about an hour away from boarding my first of two flights today to Moscow via Singapore. I'm travelling on my own, but I will be part of a deligation of around 35 Aussies, all taking part in a conference hosted by the Democratic Youth and World Federation of Youth and Students. There will apparently be around 20,000 participants at the festival, this year held in Sochi, Russia. These conferences have been run annually since around the end of WWII to keep good relations between the young people of the world, and to promote, as the festival tag line says; "peace, solidarity and social justice, we struggle against imperialism. Honouring our past, we build the future!"
    Many of the topics for discussion seem to be on the Great October Revolution and the state of Trade Unions, so there is definitely a left-wing agenda which I can get behind. Though I'm mainly looking forward to hearing what people from other countries think about these topics, and the fact that this is held in Russia.

    I got my hair cut last week, and was chatting to the hairdresser about my upcoming trip. I was lamenting to him that although I think this will be the 28th country I've visited, I am extremely nervous. Russia is so exotic. He said 'yeh, all I know about it is the bad stuff!'. Despite the workshops and discussion panels, the biggest thing I think I'll learn on this trip is how much our opinions of Russia are shaped by American imperialism and Hollywood flicks where the baddie has a heavy Slavic accent. The cold war never really concluded with peace, and Russia seems just as proud as America. It will be interesting to see the other side of the story.

    Im not the first person in my family to travel to Russia, but I am the first to travel since the fall of the soviet union. I'm sure the stories my family tell me about their delegations visiting the capitals of European socialism will be very different to my experience of Moscow, St Petersburg and Sochi. I'm also the same age as the first generation of Russians to have never experienced socialism. Around 10,000 Russian locals will be attending this festival so I should have ample time to hear their thoughts on the benefits of socialism and of capitalism.

    I have visited some Eastern European, ex soviet countries in my time backpacking across Europe. They were quite miserable places. Very run down and the older people barely smiled. The grey wintery weather made the stoic buildings blend in with the grey demeanour of the people. My favourite memory was in Sofia, where I walked through an old socialist park, complete with soviet statues of proletariat workers, working for the good of the people. The statues were a bit tired looking, but the concrete parks were now left to the mercy of skater kids, using the steps and statues as jumps. There was something quite sad and beautiful in this. These countries seemed to become very poor under socialism, or maybe it was the 25 years of capitalism that had made them so. Either way, my view of soviet times changed a little after visiting Bulgaria, Czech Republic, Budapest and even Berlin. I'm not expecting Moscow to be as run down as Sofia,but I am expecting it to aid in my opinions of this communist time before I was born.

    Today has been a better day, mood wise. My first trip overseas was to Borneo when I was 17, where I trekked with my school friends though the jungle for 5 days, and attempted to climb a mountain. I've lived in Japan for a year when I barely spoke the language. I've backpacked Europe for over 4 months. But for all of those trips I didn't have as crippling anxiety as I do now. It's funny how with age and unfortunate experiences comes a drop in confidence. My messed up brain can't distinguish between travel nerves and excitement with a fight-or-flight, life-or-death panic attack. This weekend leading up to today has been horrible. And what makes it worse is the knowledge that I am a fine traveller - I revel on this. I've done worse than this before, and been less organised, and stood out more. With anxiety and unsubstantiated panic comes the nagging thoughts that maybe I have a severe manic disorder. What would that feel like, and how would I know? October last year was the worst panic attack I've ever had, I thought I was dying or turning insane. Nothing seemed to set it off. This month is also my late boyfriend Dave's birthday month. I'll be two days from flying home from sochi on what would've been his 27th birthday. Instead of thinking of the next two weeks I have lined up in Russia, I get flung back into the past, and with it comes heart palpitations, nausea and feelings of self doubt.

    I will find my old sassy self in Russia I hope. The 'bad stuff' comment from my hairdresser, the 'good luck' message from my airline check in clerk, and the lack of any travel information to russia makes me want to experience it all the more. What is so daunting about this mammoth, successful country that makes everyone so scared? The other thing these unfounded panic attacks tell me is that I need to get away. Nothing gives you perspective like travelling, it's like finding yourself again, and sometimes for the first time.
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