Holly Noble

06/01/17

WARNING CONTAINS REFERENCES TO SEXUAL ACTIVITIES NOT BY US!

We've decided to sack off the Chinese.

A Chilled out brekka and we walk the 6k to the Grand Palace. There are tens of thousands of Thai people dressed fully in black queuing to pay their respects to the king.

It's really intense to see this many people still in mourning. Even in the city most people are still fully in black. There are posters, shrines and billboards outside most shops, all public buildings and transport hubs. It's crazy he is everywhere and seems to be a pretty good guy who worked hard for his country. But tell you what the best bit is... Every day twice a day.... Everywhere plays the national anthem, and everyone stands bolt upright an still whilst its playing!!!! Once in the morning and once at night! I wish we could do this in the UK it's brilliant !!!!

We visit this palace which is like Disney land. There are over one hundred buildings within 95 hectares which are all massive and in pretty much totally different contradictory architectural styles. It's an absolute mind f**k. Every where you look there is a building overlapping.

Once we've done we are about to leave and the police start to tell us to sit down on the floor... We were like EH? Anyway look around and there's hundreds of people starting to sit down.... Do as we're told. Turns out the royal family are coming to see kingy. They drive past and there are very stern warnings to any person who tries to take a photo. Once they've passed everyone stands up and carries on with their business as if nothing has happened.

We head home for some pool time as our mind is fully boggled!

(As I am writing this sat at the pool there is the worlds slowest woman swimming. We're talking 3 inches a stroke) anyway....

We go to China town which is abit like a strip, Noblet had some gorgeous duck and rice for only £1.25 but he complained there was only enough for a child. I had mango and sticky rice with coconut milk pretty fit but Noblet won the food choice competition. Not cool was that all the neon signs said shark fin here as a main attraction.

Now we get a Tuk Tuk to the nightlife!

**WARNING EXPLICIT**

So we decide first to go to a bar to loosen us up for tonight's 'adult entertainment' few drinks in a sports bar where the majority of clientele are white 35-45 year old men. We're on the vodka. Tunes are pumping, footballs on and there are a lot of local girls trying it on with the boys with varying degrees of success!

For instance there is a group of three lads around the 45 mark on a 'lads holiday' presumably. They are chilling around brushing off the girls but within a couple of drinks we start get the arm around and then the longing looks. They stay strong and don't opt for any funny business in this bar! I wonder if there resolve will last down the strip!?

Then there's the lad about 28.... Who's absolutely smashed. He is having the time of his life dancing with a 6!(Girls will be referenced on a scale of 1-10) swaying all over her.

Then there is Mr upstanding, dressed very well, stands straight who walks straight into the bar. I'm convinced he's here to get his mates then leave. This doesn't look like his kind of scene..... I'm gobsmacked he walks to the back of the pub, takes a 4 by the hand and marches her out of there, quick as you like!!! Wtf I'd defo got his measure wrong!

Ok, time to go (Noblet went to the WC and the girls starts walking past me all touchy fml not for me thanks!)

We head out to find Nana Plaza, 'the worlds largest adult playground' as they've branded it. To find it though we walk up and down the street looking for it and on the way spot some scantily clad girls, presumably up for a night out with their friends!

We get to the plaza and there's a large centre courtyard with around 8 bars, then around the outside around ten bars with curtains across the entrances and bouncers on the door (I don't think they count as bouncers in this country as they're so small.... They're more like Thai uncles who're kind of cute so you don't want to annoy them.)

We take the escalator up to the 2nd and then walk up to the 3rd in the back staircase where there are loads of girls in bikinis (there must be some sort of competition going on). They giggle... But in a kind of gruff way, looks like some of them have forgotten to shave their legs! Silly girls! They won't win like that!

So all three floors of places are trying to get us in.... We start on the first floor, Noblet says we can watch some world class table tennis here which is strange in a bar but I love a bit of sport!

We go in and sit on some booths, they're having a fancy dress competition, the girls are dressed as school girls, nurses etc. Beer is served and we await the match start... Except much to our disappointment it never comes! Instead we get girls sucking each other off with dildos, guys getting tied up and lap danced, girls getting off with guys in the crowd. We finish our beer and head out for another place Noblet has heard plays table tennis. This was obviously not what either of us expected.

Well the next place was even worse... There were girls all dressed in bikinis (2s-6s) dancing on a stage riding some of the lads hand jobs the order of the day. Hats off for cleanliness though they all use anti bac when washing their hands after they 'go to the toilet'

I'm like Noblet you're going to get donkey here if I don't get some world class sport. He's like, I don't know you try. So we walk around the majority of the plaza and I'm asking do you have table tennis (with actions) and they're all like no. He's obviously got it wrong so we try a final bar on the third. There's a lot of banging in there. The place is full and they sit us at the stage looking straight up into a girls hoof! As soon as someone leaves we're relocated nearer the back (I assume next to the changing rooms as there is a shower cubicle next to us) strange the glass looks into the bar... Think they mustn't use that until they close.... Oh no no no. A girls gets in, gets her imperial leather on and does what she likes with that shower head. She's pulling moonies and all sorts at Noblet through the glass!

On the stage there's more class (5-7s) for the most part. Much biting, licking etc etc with good music and cheap beer. They later two you. Can't argue with.

But on a serious note....

As funny as it was. I REGRET GOING

The problem was even though Thai girls look young, there were some who were clearly too young, they looked pre-pubescent. A couple were no older the 12. They had lingerie on and looked like kids at the beach. They were dancing like traveller girls but without the clothes. And then the bikini tops came off... They could have been boys (in this country especially). They got involved in all the sex show and were trying to get lads to pay for them. Some of the lads when she went in front of them looked full on ninety degrees away. To be fair to them. But some didn't.

It was grim.

Then in bar 2 with the bikini girls... They for the most part looked fucked (tired) and miserable. The girls in the other bars looked like they were enjoying themselves. But these lot didn't.

We reckon this miserable lot could have been trafficked... They really didn't look like they wanted to be there at all. A lot looked from 15-22 age.

So obviously we went.... And bought beers at these places, and probs made it feel less seedy to people as it was abit more like a show than a thing, and therefore we contributed to this awful industry. ERROR. I would not go again not recommend anyone go to any of these bars as I still feel pretty shit writing this a few days later!

Went home after this (thinking at the time what a great night), had chicken on a stick, Noblet got fried, fried quail egg on a stick, I ripped up my trousers to use as toilet paper as it had been three places which didn't have toilet roll couldn't deal with a 4th, blissfully unaware at how annoyed I would be at myself for going!

Man: Noblet getting us around the grand palace.
Donkey: Noblet for not getting us to a table tennis 'match'Read more